Emotional blackmail- surviving it

[white knight]

For me and many others that are subjected to emotional blackmail, it can have lasting lifetime effects. What is emotional blackmail?

In my experience emotional blackmail develops in a person that, for whatever reason, believes their conventional methods of accomplishing control, no longer work. They think of other techniques in a desperate attempt to maintain their status rather that using other tools like love and persuasion. EM can also develop when a parents children turn to adults, an era when a parent often loses the control they once had over their child. The parents lack of control is unacceptable to them and unless they do accept their child as having the ability to make adult decisions, it becomes a downward spiral that wont recover. The parents demands become louder and their techniques more desperate.

Sometimes the child/adult child is unaware of such unacceptable conduct like emotional blackmail being used. I was 27yo before it hit me between the eyes. I was educated at a GROW meeting and a chapter was dedicated to the topic in one of their booklets. From then on I had a fight on my hands with my mother as the EB continued. I had a girlfriend at the time that my mother didnt like "if you dont split up from her I'm going to pack my bags and go visit my cousin for 2 weeks"... my answer "I'll help you pack". Sounds nasty but you need to equalise the injustice/car for yourself.

The people that use EB are desperate souls so it isnt limited to that technique to get you to do what they want you to do. Triangulation is another hurtful form of manipulation. Have a fall out with the parent, parent rings your sibling to get them on side, you then have a serious fall out with your sibling. It's all about power and power over an individual isnt freedom. It isnt developing strong relationships.

Sadly you have few options. In fact my sister and I stopped all contact with our mother 11 years ago. She is now 90yo and no children in her life nor 3 grandchildren as they were treated similar (not from our influence or that would make us as guilty).

I'm convinced there is mental illness at play however strong denial means nothing can be done to save the situation. Refusal to get treatment by a perpetrator means they also often deny themselves of family and friends and, sadly, thats a choice they make for their own lives.

Those with EB can be tyrants. The victims can be scarred for life. Make the best out of a bad situation and seek peace.

TonyWK

[Guest_1055]

I agree this topic is eye opening. I am learning more from each person who is posting in here. Like a said, I have a relative that fits in with this emotional blackmail. And even the guilt trip thing. And he so extremely controlling. Controlled others by fear I think.

I was visiting there home one day. A few family members were sort of mumbling... Saying "she is going to get it". I didn't know what they were talking about. But just after a little bit, it was me who got it. I was yelled at with such force and anger. I have no idea to this day as to what for. I had never experienced this kind of anger at me. It scared me so much. (I ran into their laundry and curled up in fear) But the family members in that home... I am assuming they knew the body language signs of him or something. I didn't.

Now one of these family members is getting emotionally stronger and he appears to be getting worse.

It's so confusing.

Anyone else heard of Dr Carter? Cannot remember his first name at the moment. I have listened to a few of his ytube videos. And he has many if them.

[Guest_1055]

Dr Les Carter

https://youtube.com/c/SurvivingNarcissism

[Ggrand]

Hello Tony and everyone..

Isn’t it really sad that the people that manipulate another person is usually a family member... or a close friend of the family.....They know how to trick people into believing their words are truth...using people so the manipulator can feel superior to their victims....

I often wonder, if it’s a type of greed...not really the greed for money so much....but the greed for power, the greed for themselves...for their own self preservation......nothing else matters to them....except their own wants....

I think they enjoy the sadness and fear that they put into their victims...and knowing they can inflict this emotional damage, onto someone is what makes them stronger..

Grandy.l,

[Juliet_84]

Hi Tony,

I see so many parallels between our stories. Unfortunately children don’t seem to grow up and punish their abuser, they grow up to punish themselves. Her words became mine over time, my fears related to my illness became my own personal prison. My mother doesn’t seem to fit the criteria for a borderline personality, but she definitely fits the descriptions I have read regarding vulnerable narcissists. Arrogance, need for total control and blind loyalty, preoccupied with people’s social standing and how she was perceived, but also deeply insecure and volatile. I remember one incident, not because it was particularly bad but because it was indicative of the usual encounters. I was 12 or so and had a friend over after school and we were playing a game (“run-across”) in the front yard. Anyway my mum decided that I would come in for dinner at 5:30pm (we usually ate dinner later but she would often change the rules if it was inconvenient). Anyway she called me inside, and instead of coming inside immediately, I had one more turn and ran across the yard one more time but I slipped and fell down the driveway. The driveway was pretty steep and brick so it was a pretty bad fall and I lost a lot of skin. Seeing how badly I was injured, my friend ran to the front door, calling for my mother. But my mother who saw this is as an act of willful disobedience, had a look of barely contained fury on her face (she wouldn’t have if my friend was not there). Instead she just stood there for a second and made eye contact with me as I lay there before turning on her heel and walking away. My friend who was quite shocked and confused helped me up and carried me inside instead. but then at other times and for less severe injuries, she would be very caring and loving. You could never tell whether you were going to get the carrot or the stick. It made a lot of sense to me when I found out that I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style in relationships, a deep desire for intimacy but an intense fear of it. I am a quite sensitive and soft soul so I usually know when I have done something wrong. But I was always completely blindsided by what I had done wrong to incite such rage, and at other times the same thing barely got a reaction, the shifting goal posts I suppose.

[white knight]

Hi Juliet

From the incident when you fell...sounds like your mother had the view "she got what she deserved as she didn't come inside straight away".

I've had the view that tyrannical people that also are nurturing (extreme opposites) are problematic. My sister and I in our 50's before we broke contact with our mother, so late in life due to the presence of that nurturing side.

That "shifting of the goal posts" I'd suspect is the mood swings. Dr Christine Lawsons 4 characters

Queen witch waif hermit (google)

Covers what I believe was my mother's illness.

Grandy, greed. I'd probably use selfishness but they are parallel descriptions. Selfishness and jealous covers many peoples adverse attitudes in my experience.

Shelll, I'll look at that link.

Regards TonyWK

[Guest_1643]

Hi Tony,

I wander if also one can become trauma bonded to the person blackmailing us.

There are reasons we stay, ways they curl their claws into our life.

It is hard to get out.

my abuser would make me feel guilty for everything,

It has taken me years, ding, and some therapy to understand subtle control, and to realise the placing guilt is an act of manipulation.

I have slowly let go of guilt.

[Learn to Fly]

Guys,

What would be your suggestions of breaking the vicious cycle, read: not repeating our parents’ damaging behaviours?
Myself, I have been working on getting to the bottom of some of my behaviours that have recently popped up to the surface: being short of patience and overreacting and snapping. I have observed myself being like that during the last 6 - 8 months and I can’t stand this person. I don’t recognise nor identify with this person, yet, it comes to life in most unexpected moments.

All of your posts here have helped me immensely to identify it better, link it to my childhood but I also realise this is only a beginning. I have always been a believer of knowledge and education, so that’s what I have been trying to do. However, I wonder if you know any other ways of making a permanent shift to the tracks.

I don’t want to be to my kids as my mother was to me. That’s the bottom line. I want to be their friend who nurtures and supports them in making their own choices, encourages them and prizes their efforts. Help them learn how to confidently spread their wings, instead of clipping them short.

[white knight]

Hi Sleepy

Good question. "There are reasons we stay, ways they curl their claws into our life" Well, they are parents and generally we don't question the thought they are so flawed. Also they have influence on other family members. The threat is we could lose them. Stopping all contact with my mother was only possible due to her denial and refusal to get help, her destructiveness and instability.

Learn to fly,

Inheriting parents characteristics is deflating but as its unavoidable. You must ensure your fairness and compassion extends to yourself.

Is there positives here? Well yeh, you immediately eliminated half of your challenge by acknowledging what negative traits you've inherited. By trying to remove them all from your character you are seeking unreachable perfection. Your endeavour is good but over stepping the line with your own kids is easily done and that's where apologies or lessons learned is being reasonable to you.

Your best is good enough, any more than your best is compounded with worry which is not productive.

What do you think.

TonyWK

[Guest_1055]

Hi learn to fly...

I agree with Tony I think that the fact you acknowledge and see certain behaviours in yourself is a good thing. And it's obvious you genuinely care about your children and don't want your behaviour to hurt them etc

My extended relative, whom I actually care about. I don't think he sees truly what he is like. (anger, control issues, perhaps narcissism) It makes me feel sad that he seems stuck and struggles so much. I don't think he sees that he hurts people. Just not sensitive to others emotions or something. And will often blame others.

So yeah I think it's great you notice these negative behaviours in yourself. And also it seems to be a stressful time in history at the moment. So maybe that is affecting you perhaps.

If you snap, loose patience etc towards you children. I would use this as a teaching tool on how not to behave. Like saying "please forgive me for snapping at you ( and depending how young they are, you could even say, snapping like a turtle, or like an angry lion) and then say it was wrong of mumma to behave that way towards you. And then give them a hug or something.

Just some ideas anyway.

There are children's picture behaviour books out there too. Which may help to reinforce the right loving behaviours and such.

[Learn to Fly]

Thank you so much Tony and Shelll.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement and wisdom. Once you say it, it seems so obvious. And you and everyone else in this thread have helped me to take a closer look at myself, my behaviours, the source of them etc I am already more conscious of what’s happening with me and putting on brakes earlier. I talk to myself more often and I start to feel hopeful.
I am fully aware that this is going to be a long process but just the knowledge that I have already started, this helps a lot.

Thanks Guys.