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Dont Know what to do, still inlove with my ex partner even after everything

Jane1234
Community Member

Hi all, with my ex for 12 years, March this year he told me it was over, he had been seeing someone for four months, a month later he wanted to try again.

A month after that he told me it was a mistake for him to come back. I left, went to my mum's for a month, travelling an hour to work everyday.

I moved back into the house we built, I'm trying to look for a rental, and until finances are sorted. Unfortunately I've been here two months with him. i have applied for 30 houses and been knocked back from each one.

He is constantly telling me about the different girls he is dating at the moment there's 8. Then he will tell me he's not inlove with me but still loves me, he wants to stay friends when I leave. He is scared that I'm going to try to wreck he's new relationship. He thinks I am trying to wreck he's life, I don't want him happy, I am trying to wreck he's relationship with my daughter's he's step daughters. He says things like if it wasn't for my youngest we'd still be together. (My youngest daughter was a major handful for the past four years). He blames my youngest for everything and won't have anything to do with her. I have replied with things like you can't blame the kids for this it's our fault.

I have also told him if any of these girls meant anything to him there'd just be one not 8. To that he replied I found the right one 12 years ago but that didn't work out did it.

He shows me and my daughter pictures of these tinder girls all the time, these girls are at least 10 years younger than him, where I was only a year younger, he feels young and girls need to be under that age or there two old for him. He now has days off work to see these girls and takes them out for dinner which is something he never ever wanted to do with me.

That hurts like hell as it makes me feel like I was never good enough.

We argue on a regular basis these days over bullshit.

I don't know how I'm meant to act, I am still so very much inlove with him, but I don't want to let him know that because of what he's doing and saying. I stay to myself most of the time and try to stay away from him.

When he asks me if I have other guys in my life I reply with I'm talking to lots of new people girls and guys but I'm not interested in being in a relationship with anyone.

I don't know if its because I still love him, but I think he has more feelings for me than he wants to let on under some of that angry I feel like there's something still there. Friends tell me to move on.

6 Replies 6

LeeA18
Community Member

I know a man like this. I wasn’t in a relationship with him, he was my boss. Once he broke up from his wife of 15 years, he became a womaniser. He would make inappropriate comments about all these tinder women, everybody in the office knew about his latest conquest. I got sick of hearing about it. I made my feelings known. It was a complete ego thing for him. He loved that all these women were apparently after him.

As hard as it may be, you have to either ignore it or tell him that it is completely inappropriate to talk to you about it. He also needs to be told to have respect for you and your children. I would also tell him that it is none of his business about who you are seeing.

You have to create boundaries with him or else it will continue.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Jane, from what you have told us, it seems as though you're chasing your own tail but not getting anywhere.

Love is a difficult word to explain, it has so many different meanings, you can love someone who you were married to, but can't live together, or you love someone out of respect, a family member or a friend and you can still love someone even if they aren't doing the right thing, just like your ex, but you want him to stop contacting all these girls and have just one of them.

He said that he found 'the right one 12 years ago but that didn't work out did it' so that's the answer to your question.

Go out and find someone who loves you, having to cope with this isn't pleasant and you're not even sure whether what he is saying is happening.

I have to agree with LeeA it's time to move on.

Geoff.

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Jane,

Relationships and love can be so complicated. I can understand that you are confused because you feel you still love him despite the way he as treated you.

Lee and Geoff have given you helpful suggestions so I won’t repeat what have written.

I was in relationship for many years with a man who would act as if he was single but wanted all the benefits of being part of a couple. he would stay out all night go on holidays alone .On the rare times we would go out together he would tell people I was his sister so he could flirt with other women. After we had been together for a year I found out he was arranging to meet women from online.

there is so much more and I just let him treat me like this as I didn’t think I deserved better as I had a mental illness.

My friends told me to leave him for years and even though I was very unhappy I didn’t because I knew it would be very hard. the thing is there were times when he was kind and attentive and he hewas affectionate and said he loved me. I was forever making pros and con lists about the relationships. one day after 9 years I discovered I had no reason I should stay but 3 pages of why I should leave. I finally left the relationship.

I know your situation is different and now I can’t beleive I wasted so many years waiting for things to get better.

It is your decision , but I am so glad I eventually decided to stand up for myself and find someone who would treat me with respect.

Not sure if that helps but I would be interested to see what you think about the replies.

Quirky

IsaJett
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Jane

it actually does not sound like it’s healthy ..what he is doing to you . I too was involved with a very confusing relationship ..where I thought he love me or didn’t love me. I hit rock bottom .i felt so dead in that relationship and hence decided to leave it and the day I did ...I felt a whole weight off .. it was very toxic for me to be in there to be emotionally manipulated ..because he was like super confused and had crap he had to deal with. Ending a toxic relationship is crucial for your well being . Sometimes emotions get the better of us stuck in a brain fog and we think it’s love . Love isn’t meant to be difficult at all .love is meant to be freeing . So if you love him and he loves you . Set each other free ..set him free . But most importantly ...set yourself free. It’s not easy ..i was with the ex for 24 years . I did not see it happening ..leaving ...but it happened for me .i am in a way better place . You probably don’t see yourself moving on ...but you will be ok .

hope this helps 🙂 keep writing 🙂

bindi-QLD
Community Member

Hi Jane,

(((HUGS))). Yeah, I've been there too and what you're going through right now can feel so traumatic, it leaves you feeling numb, desperate, and confused. I'm really sorry that you're going through this, its so awful for you. I can't give you enough hugs.

What helped me when i was going through it, was firstly recognising what the man was doing to me . There are some specific terms for it, and its empowering to understand them. Firstly, throwing so many women in your face during a relationship or right after a breakup - its called `triangulation' which is a terrible and painful form of abuse, and it is traumatic. And whether deliberate, or not, its no good for you, hun. He won't stop it, only you can by removing yourself from the situation and giving yourself space to heal.

And him being there, with his `but I love you , love you, I want you I want you' type to-fro behaviour, is even more dangerous. It forms a specific and dangerous form of bond between you. Its called `trauma bonding' and you could do yourself a major favour googling that term, and understanding how seriously binding and dangerous it is for your brain and your mental health.

You really need to find a way out of this. You will need to aim for having no contact with him, for at least 1-3 months, to recover from the trauma bond. And the next thing you need, is to somehow make connections with other people, and discipline yourself to force your attention away from the man who is hurting you. And thirdly, you need a lot of self care....excercise, walking, good food, clean living.

I was so grateful to find a strong friend I respected deeply for their boundaries, and I confessed what i was going through. They pretty much demanded I get out of that relationship or our friendship would end. That scared me enough to do it. To be honest, it was a major relief, though I was SO messed up, shakey, crying, exhausted, and had extreme head fog for the next few weeks.

Please be good to yourself Jane. Do the right thing and take proper care of yourself. You are being abused, you are getting into a dangerous trauma bond with a dangerous man, and you need to have no contact with this man. You are lovable and worth it, never forget it.

I wish you the best X

Jane1234
Community Member

Hi leeA18 thanks for your reply, I have tried telling him this and it doesn't help, it definitely is boosting he's ego, but I can't help but think it's also he's way of making sure he's pushing me away.

thanks geoff, I know the right thing for me to do is move on but unfortunately I'm stuck, once I get a rental I'm sure things will get easier as I won't have to see him everyday.

thanks quirky words it actually does help to see things from others point of views.

thanks Isajett I know that's what I have to do, and that's part of the reason everytime he brings up several women I say to him to choose one. Stop playing with there emotions and your own emotions.

thanks bindi I will definitely look thoses words up, I do agree I need to leave but I would end up in my car or over an hour away from work at the moment. I haven't given up looking for a rental and I won't. I have joined a single mums support group and a single parents support group and am starting to talk to and become just friends with men and women from there. It's nice to have a bit of support from people I have never met. Once I find somewhere to live I'm at the stage where I still love him but NEED him out of my life.

I am also seeing a psychologist and have been put temporarily on depression medication.

I I found out in six weeks time I also lose my job. If it's not one thing it's another.

I I really appreciate all your replies 😀