Don't want to be selfish ...

Teetoe · ‎27-02-2016

I'm struggling with guilt over my selfish feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction for my life - probably need a good kick. My husband has been diagnosed with dementia a couple of years ago- he is sometimes very difficult to get along with - and I so miss any companionship, joint activities, discussion and physical relationship. He is not in care but his life revolves around himself, because of the dementia. I am trying to move us off acreage into a smaller place which will be better for him once we move, but he doesn't want to go and blames me bitterly for it (health professionals and family are advocating it but the weight falls on me). The dementia causes lots of other problems with things here which I must deal with, and I am so frustrated with my life. I've always been a very out there person and everywhere I look I see happy couples doing things. We lost our daughter some years ago and this weighs heavy on both of us. I want to look after him but he resists that and at the same time doesn't like me going out doing my own thing. Most of the time I feel very lonely, empty and needy, but I know I must not feel this way. I also feel very sorry for him as he is facing dementia as well as physical pain with arthritis issues (for which I am trying to medical help).

Is there anyone else out there facing similar issues who can give me the necessary backbone to be supportive and caring and not be so selfish?

Fairywings · ‎29-03-2016

Oh sweetheart im sorry to hear this. I would have the police there when the move is happening. go to the nearest police station and explain to them the move is happening and at the same time ur hubby has become violent and you are fearing for your safety that he may do something to either hurt himself or you. I really think with their presence it can go smoothly for you. Please come back to me and let me know if this alternative is even possible for you to execute xx Please stay in touch Venessa

pipsy · ‎29-03-2016

Hi Teetoe. Oh dear, you poor thing. Having to cope with moving is stressful enough without having dementia on top. This is where you may have to bite the bullet and see if you can get him into temporary care, quick, smart. I would see your Dr a.s.a.p., and ask him to place your hubby. The anger hubby displays is mainly due to the fact that everything there is his and he doesn't understand he's taking it with him. If you can get him temporarily placed in a rest home, just till you move, then gradually introduce him to his new home. I would definitely, at this point, see your Dr, explain the situation and get hubby into care. Yes, hubby may perform when taken into care, yes he may accuse you of all sorts of conspiracies. Try not to take that on, remember, to him, his 'routine world' has been thrown completely into disarray. A lot of the problem with dementia is because they remember past routines if they have stuck with them most of their lives. If that routine is disturbed/changed, it completely throws them into a talespin of confusion. They become scared and lash out because they're scared. Instead of trying to explain, (he won't remember much about the explanation 5 minutes after you tell him), if you can get him temporarily placed. Before you bring him home permanently, pick him up after you've moved, bring him to the new home. Walk him around the area you now live in. Pick up on anything he shows any interest in. If you've been able to hang onto any tools he may have acquired let him see them. Anything he knows, let him know they're still there. Do you have a garage in your new home, if so, show him his new garage. Keep telling him, it's his. You may have to try to get a mild sedative (one that dissolves in a cup of tea or whatever he has at night). At this point, you have no choice but to appeal to your Dr for help. If you can get him temporarily placed, I would tell him you're going on a holiday with friends. Tell him you love him and tell him it won't be long till he sees you again. If he knows you're returning, it'll make leaving him easier for both of you.

Teetoe · ‎29-03-2016

Thanks so much Venessa and Pipsy. I have to say I don't think he will become violent. He threatens it with fist raised but it is the dementia.

I don't think I can put him into care Pipsy but I thank you for the suggestion of talking to the GP. I probably can't get to see mine at this stage but will try. Tomorrow there was a Rotary outing and maybe I can convince him to go. He says he won't however. Everyone tells me I need to be devious and do things like clear out the garage and shed behind his back, but he is vehement that I am not allowed to touch stuff and to get out of there, and so I haven't to date. I wrote down all the things I've done today - no wonder I am tired and I normally have so much go - so much organising and doing, multi-tasking - all the equipment broken here and must be sold or disposed of, and no keys for things because of the dementia. Trying to sell things, take to op shops and tip - oceans of junk really - and then he hits the roof. Trying to leave the place presentable, with holes in the wall he made and never fixed, no paint colours as he threw out the paint, getting people in to do the things he can't then he gets angry at the cost. trying to organise for the new place, utilities, insurance, settlement, inspection, removalists. I know it's not his fault, but at the moment my thoughts of him are very unloving and uncharitable. I have to remember he is now a child, but whereas with your child you have authority, here he still thinks he has it.

I know I am raving on and if anyone is still reading this post, I'm sorry. I will make a list for tomorrow, might go and make a cuppa, lie on that well-used bean bag in the BB cafe for a bit with Mocha or Latte, and chill for a bit. Thanks for your kindness Venessa and Pipsy.

pipsy · ‎29-03-2016

Dear Teetoe, I'm hoping he won't become violent. Perhaps he'll just get angry and abusive. It's going to make it extremely hard for you to start packing if he's abusing you. I realise how hard it is for you, you're a bit like an aunt of mine. Her hubby got Alzheimers, she nursed him for 5 years before she finally admitted she just didn't have the strength anymore. Eventually she did place him, although she still nursed him 2 or 3 days per week for 5 years, till he eventually passed. When you marry someone, it's for better or worse, but we don't always know what the 'worse' could be. Most times we envision the worse being money, general sickness. Alzheimers/dementia doesn't enter the equation. When it does, it throws us because we're not prepared, nor expecting anything like that. Have a talk with your G.P, be guided by him. He may have an alternate suggestion. You are going to need help whatever you do. It does make it hard to remember our vows when you're dealing with what you're dealing with. Once the move is over and you've settled in, he probably won't really remember any of it. Small comfort for you when you could cheerfully throttle him at the moment. When you can, try to watch a movie called 'Iris'. The main character is played by dame Judy Dench. It shows her gradual demise into Alzheimers. It might help you as your husband gradually goes further into dementia.

All the best whatever happens. Hopefully, not too many breakages with your move.

Teetoe · ‎29-03-2016

Thanks Pipsy everything you say makes total sense, you have such a good understanding of dementia, for patients as well as carers. I looked up "Iris" on imdb.com and I see it is based on the true story of novelist Iris Murdoch. Once we move I'll try and get it out. My son is keen for us to set up a Netflix account so hopefully I will work out how to download it!