Feel like I'm battling it alone

Bubbaloo84 · ‎16-03-2016

I am a single mum have been for nilly 3 years. I don't have anyone who I can really trust in "my circle" well not really a circle only have my sister and brother but feel I can't load my problems on them. I'm currently going through a divorce as my ex husband served them on me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm screaming on the inside but just can't say how I am truly feeling... It's Like I'm scared of my feelings. Scared of what I am and who I have become.. I'm so broken on the inside that I feel if I start to break on the outside I just don't know what's going to happen... I feel I have to stay strong for a little girl that is in my world. My four year old daughter. I'm so unhappy miserable and hurt.

Fairywings · ‎16-03-2016

Oh sweetheart ur never alone u have us who will help you get thru this. welcome as u r in safe hands here. Im so sorry to hear the pain your in. mummy hood is never easy especially if ur flying solo. sometimes i feel like i fly solo too my hubby has chron's and my 3yr old is autistic so yeah mummy hood can be quite difficult at times. have you been to you local gp to seek assistance at, sounds like you may to just go and speak to someone face to face it helps believe me and if you find yourself not being able to talk about it write it all down this works wonders too. Being strong for our little ones is so hard to do when we r hurting but you know what us mummies just do it anyway for the sake of our children. Big hugs for you i hope i have managed to help ease you in some way . please touch base with us i would love to hear back from you. Venessa

Bubbaloo84 · ‎17-03-2016

Hi Venessa

its just so hard to express how I feel. Can put it on paper no problems but to hand it to someone I just can't. I don't blame my husband one bit for divorcing me. The anger and hurt I caused him. I find it so hard to work, look after my daughter and house let alone look after myself.

It must be so hard for you. Exspecially when you need all the support you can. I hope this site is helpful for you. I don't really know what more to say as it must be hard for you. Knowing you have a partner but you can't lean on. Me its black and white I don't have that someone to fall back on. I'm the back bone for everything. (If that makes sense)

I just know where to turn anymore. The road feels so long and I don't know how much more I can deal with

Fairywings · ‎17-03-2016

Hi gorgeous thanks for getting back to me. That's ok in time u will feel as tho u will be strong enough to give it to someone in the meantime yes do write it down. Please don't blame urself i understand how easy it is too but don't. U would be eligible to receive respite being a single mother who is struggling depending on ur location carers Victoria or carers Australia offer short term respite for longer periods try giving ur local council a call they may be able to offer uv something as well. I say this bc i am using these services myself its hard with minimal support and i know i have to look after myself bc i have two individuals that depend on me. I have my days where i feel like i can't go on but i don't have a choice i need to push on in life. Yes in understand when u say u feel as tho u r the backbone yes i can relate to this very well feel like i fly solo most days so exhausting. I want u to explore those options about respite and come back to me id love to know how it panned out for u xx 😍

CMF · ‎17-03-2016

Hi,

im sorry to hear you are feeling like this. May I ask how you feel you caused yr husband anger and hurt? It's ok if it's private, I'm just wondering if you are being too harsh on yourself?

I find writing things down does help, even if I don't give it to anyone it is hard to find someone you really trust with such personal feelings. Have you tried writing things down and then when yr ready you can throw the notes away? I used to find this takes the thoughts out of my mind, onto the paper, which clears the mind. When yr ready, you throw them away and they are gone which allows a little step forward...

it takes times to readjust and sort things out after a separation, especially with children give yourself time. I too do not offload on my siblings and don't have a circle to off load to have you thought of a counsellor? You could take your written notes if you feel comfortable to do so. Does your daughter spend time with her dad so you have a break and time for yourself?

hope to hear back.

take care

White_Rose · ‎17-03-2016

Dear Bubbaloo

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Thank you for telling us about yourself. I am so pleased you found your way here. This is a safe place to say whatever you want to say. No one is here to judge you or tell you what to do. We will read your words and offer support and may make some suggestions to help you. Everyone here has a story so we know how hard it can be to manage. We are all broken here.

I know what it's like to be screaming on the inside but afraid to scream out loud. This is where you can scream out loud and no one will mind. You are safe here. Tell us as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. We all care about each other and that now includes you.

I want to suggest you go and see your GP. These people really are fantastic at listening and helping you to find help. Separations are so hard no matter the cause. And don't think you are to blame. It sounds as though you are very depressed and have been for a while. This is why you have found your everyday life so difficult. We know what it is like to be depressed but those people who have never experienced it, cannot truly understand.

As the others have said, writing down your feelings is a good thing to do. It makes you look at them in a different way to just thinking about how you feel. Once you have got these thoughts on paper you can burn the page if you wish. But if you see your GP you could show him/her your writing. If this is too hard to start with, then just keep the writing for a while.

I have just been asked by a psychologist to write the story of my life and I am finding it difficult. There are definitely parts I want to leave out. Trouble is, it's these parts I need to talk about, so I am trying to write it all down. Maybe I won't tell the psych everything all at once. I need a bit more courage than I have at the moment. And that's OK. Just a bit at a time.

I separated from my husband nearly 16 years ago after 30 years together. Since then I have lived on my own and although all my children have grown up, like you I miss having a partner to talk to and who will support me when I am unwell.

Please go and chat with your GP, or any time you feel bad phone the BB helpline on 1300 22 4636. There is someone available 24/7. They may also have other suggestions to offer you.

I look forward to reading your reply.

Mary

Bubbaloo84 · ‎23-03-2016

Thank you all for your replies and the careness you have all shown me.

When my baby was 8 months old I changed I didn't know who I was Anymore I started spiralling out of control within myself and my husband didn't understand at all. I had postnatal depression that caused me to have server depression. I was on tablets for this. With my depression my marriage was falling apart and tried to talk to my husband but it was falling on deaf ears.. In the end I couldn't talk to my husband about the issues I was facing anymore and started talking to his brother about issues within our marriage.. Cut a long story short one thing led to another and his brother and I had an affair. A very shameful one at that. Everyday I hate myself for it. It makes me feel horrible. I don't blame my husband one bit that he wants nothing to do with me and the hate he feels. My daughter has suffered a lot because of this and it's not fair it's not her fault. It hurts me so much. She has nothing I just want it to stop. He can have his divorce and what ever. He can't break me anymore then what I am.

Fairywings · ‎23-03-2016

Oh hunny im so sorry u feel so broken. That affair u had pls don't feel guilty that was a result of u trying to reaching out to ur hubby and he didn't give u time of day its only natural that uv would find comfort in something whom was listening and was there to help you. Don't hate urself and don't blame urself u tried to reach out and it just wasn't working. In time ur hubby will understand that it was the fact that he wasn't there for u emotionally to support you hence consequences occurred but in the meantime he may just need time to figure all this out. Im sorry to hear that u and ur beautiful little girl r going thru this right now. Please engage with us as often as needed we r here for you xx please take care of yourself and your beautiful daughter things will eventually pan out xx Venessa

geoff · ‎23-03-2016

dear Bubbaloo, sometimes people have an affair only because they don't get the support from their spouse, so they just want to talk to another person who will listen, and whether or not an affair happened is not for me to decide on.
Being served with divorce papers is always a shock, as it was for me, always thinking 'what am I going to do now',
'what about all of the furniture and what's going to whom', 'where will I live', all of these rush through our mind plus much more, so it is terrible.
I also don't blame my ex-wife for divorcing me, because she couldn't help me any more plus my drinking she hated so she had had enough.
I could have contested the divorce but what was the point of doing this, because our marriage would never be the same any more, but both our sons were over 18 but it was the youngest son who suffered the most, the divorce, then selling the house that I always thought we would be living in for the next humptin years, so both of these hurt him the most.
However what I do know is that I starting coming out of my depression when I was living by myself, I'm not blaming her because there so much that was involved in my situation.
There is a lot that needs to be settled between you and your husband and that's very painful to settle between the both of you, and what is going to happen to your little daughter in terms of the future, as well as now.
Are you able to see a lawyer as painful as it is, but this is where you need someone to handle all the dividing up of all your assets, if it can't be done by the both of you.
Really interested in how you go. Geoff. x

Bubbaloo84 · ‎28-03-2016

Thank you for all your replies and your kind words.

Wish my ex husband can be more understanding.. But instead he hates my guts and can't stand to have anything to do with me.. As far as my child is concerned it's like he hates her too. It's so sad to even imagine how it feels.

And when I say he doesn't care about my daughter it shows in his text messages over the past 3 years. Telling me he wants me to go find someone and get them to adopt her so she is out of his life and he can be happier... Or she isn't mine... We all know including him that she is his and it hurts me so much just the thought of him even thinking that... He even told his mum one day because I rang her to tell him he has stopped paying child support and that he needs to sort it out because he has his work paying it.. His first response was oh well I don't care. His mum was like you don't care? He said na she just wants my money and his mum was like no it's for your daughter to keep a roof over her head. And his like I really don't care if they are homeless... What sort of father would say that?! Anyway I started getting payments a few months later but still why on earth could you say that...

the other night she brought me to tears... It was night and we were driving home and she was sitting behind the driver seat and She said I love daddy and I said yeah and I love you with a smile as I looked at her behind me in the rear view mirror and then she says yeah but I love daddy more. My heart just absolutely shattered... I started crying and had to move the mirror so she couldn't see me crying. And turn up the music.

I fought tooth and nail and worked my ass off to give her everything she needs and in that moment I thought why am I here then.. Why am I working so hard to keep a roof over our heads and felt so unappreciated in 2 seconds flat... I know she probably didn't mean it but just made me crumble.