Does it get better?

[notsorosey]

My long term partner (over a decade together) left me a month ago. He is struggling with his own issues which he refuses to get help for but said he is lost and needs to separate. I’m really struggling. Im vomiting every morning and am awake at around 4 each morning half asleep and I can’t control the negative thoughts. He’s a completely different person atm and treating me like I’m the worlds worst person and I just want to move on but my brain and body just won’t let me. I’ve lost a lot of weight and I try to eat but can’t keep it down. I feel like a huge burden to everyone around me and it is hugely effecting the rest of my life including work.

I am seeing a psychologist but I don’t seem to be getting any better. Would love suggestions from those that have been there. I have no answers, no closure, came pretty much out of the blue & I haven’t got a stable living situation ahead (only contracted till march and house sitting till jan). I honestly thought I wanted him back but the way I’ve been treated I have no idea why I still do. And I still need to see him regularly for the moment.

Much appreciated.

[geoff]

hi Notsorosey, yes of course we are, but now he is showing his true colours, it seems as though you're still being dragged along, I'm so sorry, but the longer he keeps doing this the more you are going to be upset and disappointed, I think you really need to make a final decision, as sad as is it is for you don't be dragged through the mud, again I can't tell you how much this must hurt you. Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear Notsorosey~

I've had a read of your posts and am very sorry life has thrown all this at you. The 2 months you talk about is different for you than it is for you ex-partner. In fact you sound a lot like I felt when my partner passed away. Although I'd had plenty of warning that did not seem to make much difference and two months later it was pretty much as if she had just left. Grief, loneliness and self-doubt can take a long time to lessen -unfortunately.

You ex on the other hand wanted out and is not feeling that sense of loss, and has resumed a lifestyle that includes finding someone else -or at least attempting to enjoy female company. I guess it is a reflection of how little the relationship with you meant to him.

From what you have said it is obvious you are not overreacting or being unreasonable and thinking the relationship is over and you are not his support is exactly right.

There was one thing I was very pleased to see - you got cross. I have found that anger is extremely useful. I'm not someone that gets cross often, but when I do it allows me to go a lot further than I normally do and results in some pretty straight talk - as it has with you. This makes me feel better about myself and can fuel sustained activity. The closest I've come to your situation is anger helped me deal long-term with being invalided out of my then occupation due to the effects poor management practices had on me.

I can't say when you life will turn around and your horrible feelings will lessen, I can say my approach was to try to distract myself with work, plus being with family and friends.

Getting perspective is hard

Croix

[notsorosey]

thanks for replying Geoff and Croix.

the part that touched a nerve was when you said Croix 'I guess it is a reflection of how little the relationship with you meant to him.'

that probably hurts more than anything. left feeling the fool for actually thinking i was in a committed and loyal relationship. How much of our relationship has been a lie? He has also had little sex drive since he started showing signs of depression a few years ago and to now be hitting on women cuts pretty deep. How do i not take that personally? Why does he have to be so hurtful and disrespectful? how does a loving, caring and devoted man change into this?

And then I'm worried about the amount hes drinking lately- still trying to remember its not my concern anymore.

[Croix]

Dear Notsorosey~

I'm sorry those words hurt, however I'd imagine part of the hurt is because you feel they may have an element of truth. As for feeling a fool. It is never foolish to be genuine, to love and care and to trust your partner. They all all things you would look for in someone else yourself.

As for how much was a lie, perhaps he changed over the years, how he was 10 years ago is not how he is now. Some people do change after all. I'm afraid there probably no real answers, no matter how much they might help.

Sorting out where to live, as Geoff says, is important, you need your own place. You are taking important steps in realizing you are not his guardian any more - sad though that may be.

Croix

[Doolhof]

Hi notsorosey,

Relationships can be very difficult at the best of times, even for those who think everything is going well, they can take a lot of work to keep them on track, be that a couple, a working relationship, friendship or what ever.

When a relationship breaks down, it is very easy to ask those What If questions, Why did that happen and so on.

Would it help you to write down all the rotten stuff that happened in your relationship, than think of all the good things and write those down. Even when we are feeling really bitter about a relationship, deep in our memories there are still some good points hidden there.

My psychologist suggested I write down where I want to be tomorrow, next week and in a year's time. It made me realise that the stuff that I have been dragging around with me does not have to follow me everywhere.

I will never know why my fist husband treated me like a punching bag while he dated other ladies and treated them like princesses! Is that a reflection on me. NO! It is a reflection on him and who he was.

Same for you. Yo are not him, you are you and have the opportunity to be the person whom you desire to be.

Yes it is hard to let go, hard to make sense of everything that has happened, hard to move on. It can be done. Tiny step by tiny step.

Wishing you well in your new journey of working out who you want to be right now and how you are going to get to that place.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

[notsorosey]

Update: Just hit 3 months since he asked to separate. We just sold the house and will settle in feb.

He has been nicer to me. But we also havent had any meaningful convos or discuss “us” in a long time. I have no idea where he’s at whether ready to end it for good, still not knowing what he wants, or leaning towards trying to work on us. This limbo is crazy hard. We still haven’t closed our joint accounts or anything yet and still sharing dog custody.

I don’t know if I should approach him yet. Also not sure if I should ask him if he wants to come to my mums for Xmas, it’s super informal only me my parents and grandparents and his first with out his MUM (he has no where else).

I am torn whether to ask to finalise our finances because I feel I won’t be able to move on until we are separated in every way or wait for him to ask as he maybe using it to leave the door open. Surely it’s a good sign he hasn’t asked to finalise everything?

On top I finally admitted to myself just how unwell I am, that I need help and have been this way since well before the break up. I was just able to focus on him and not myself. 3 months on and I still don’t want to be here & living for others. This is not just about the separation (trauma & multiple chronic illnesses). I am working on me & in the process of getting a mental health plan.

I still love him and want him back (slowly date etc). I’m now seeing glimpses of the old him but don’t want to a) push too soon but also b) miss my chance.

Advise?

[geoff]

hello Notsorosey, well it's not an easy decision to make, and it used to go through my mind many times and I suppose my wife as well.
I would separate your bank accounts, this doesn't necessarily mean that you have told him to go, all it means is that he can then decide what he wants to do, and it gives you the freedom financially to move on where you want to go.
If matters change where he does make an incredible change then you can hook up together again, but even if this happens, I suggest that you still have a private account only in your name. Geoff.