Disposable relationships

[High_Anxiety]

Hi there,

Just wondering if anyone else is seeing that relationships and marriage are a disposable item these days?

I have been searching the net as I'm potentially going through a break up of an 8 yo marriage and there seems to be a lot of stories and examples where when life gets a little too uncomfortable with someone you just end it like tossing them away.

Why is it that some people give up so easily on people that they are supposed to love? Where has commitment gone?

Yet some of the stories in this forum show that some people tolerate so much pain yet still won't let go!

[Guest_1584]

Well , it's really damn weird WK , but yeah , they seem, to be, and that's only like the tip of the iceberg .

When you start being divorced and meeting divorced people , oh man, it opens up a whole nother can of worms.

[Guest_1584]

And sadly among the divorced , a couple of real biggies are the guys are being very, very, dubious about risking being taken to the cleaners again and the women about being hurt again .

This just makes everyone even more hesitant and ready to run like hell at the drop of a hat.

Add media , the mentality everywhere , it's all just a damn shame.

[Hope2BHopeful]

Hi Randomx

I agree with you! It is hard to open up and let someone in and then the other gets scared or think one little issue is enough to run for the hills. Whats the deal with that? Any tips on why guys run for the hills when all a girl wants is to find a connection with someone and share good and bad memories?

I am a honest and good hearted person but does not seem to be enough to deal with my flaws. And why can't guys be honest about how they feel. I know confrontation is tough but its better than being left in the dark with no reason. I just want to talk about it and fix things but they just don't care enough. I wish I didn't get swept away with his eagerness, maybe I could have slowed it down before it died so quickly.

[SubduedBlues]

I am going to address this from an American historical perspective. I could be wrong, but it's my guess that what eventuated in the Americas - via the grand ol' TV and movies - found it's influence affecting ideals and culture in Australia.

It used to be, way back in the day, that the courts upheld the beliefs of religious institutions; after all the laws were created by God-fearing people or by people who were elected by God-fearing people. Then, to get divorced, one had to prove - in a court of law - that the other party broke their marital vows (i.e. adultery).

Because divorce was so difficult, most people just stayed in the relationship. Gave 110% effort into making it work, or at least making the best of a bad situation. Divorce meant spending the rest of your life alone. The likelihood of meeting another person (in similar or accepting of your situation) was nigh on improbable.

So people started living together without getting married. So the religiously focused courts introduced common-law marriage; whereby couples who co-habit the same household for more than 6 months are (by default) legally married -- and by such are subject to the same divorce requirements as those that stood before the clergy or judge to become married.

Over time the courts became more secular focused, and less religious focused, so the laws softened and divorce became easier. Then the Hollywood and A-list people brought in the "pre-nup" legally binding contract, which made their divorce (which was more common than common folk) a lot easier. Subsequently, the influences of celebrities treating marriage as a publicity stunt and something no more permanent than a Band-Aid, society started to adopt similar behaviors.

Now days the marital vows of "til death do us part" actually means "until I get bored". And everyone knows the luster quickly fades as soon as the honeymoon is over.

My marriage lasted longer than most these days (20+ years), but unfortunately that is far from the norm these days. I fear that if society continues down this path... that for my children a long marriage will be anything that lasts longer than a decade; and for my grandchildren anything that lasts longer than a year.

SB

[Guest_1584]

Hey Hope, how u doin.

Yeah ya hear and see the same in a lot of the women too and subdue's got a million huge points there too, bloody society, courts , media, and the damn internet, especially in the states, l'm amazed any sane man would risk getting married over there these days. And from what l hear the women are just as bad.

For you, l dunno, would you mind if l asked what sort of age guys are we talkin? If say mid late 30s onward , they've probably gone through divorce and were probably screwed around on , can't see their kids, living in a tent while she gets the house and a few k a mth , it can bee a really , really , nasty ugly thing these days. Then there's the thing of what it's like trying to keep everyone happy in a marriage, ain't easy especially if that's all you got for your trouble after 10 or 20yrs see. So sadly divorce alone can leave you feeling very anti anything commitment ever again for a lot of people.

You should suss out if he's on good terms with ex and he's kids , that'll tell you a huge part in where he's frame of mind is. If it's all bad then , well.

But , many try again too and wanna meet someone new. l never thought l'd marry again but l met gf fell head over and before long well , nother story but it really surprised me.

But tbh , look guys are as passionate as women , maybe even more so when they're in love , well many of us anyway.And things you talk about are stuff we want too don't worry , most of us love all that stuff too, if our head and heart are in the right place anyway.. But a bad divorce could really mess with all that orrrr, otherwise they probably just aren't feeling it.

So to hang around together as long as it's light and hassle free they might like that idea but they don't want anymore than that in that case so if it starts getting too heavy , l guess they'd be inclined to bail tbh.

Sounds to me more like you just haven't met the right one yet tbh. Because if he say loves you , even if he is pretty gunshy , he'd still wanna hang in thereas long as there were no really big problems between you.

Hope all this makes some kinda sense.

[Hope2BHopeful]

Morning Randomx,

My mornings are the toughest. I just feel sad and defeated. I feel like I was the best version of myself before I met him and now I just feel broken and insecure. I don't know how I can get back to normal to open myself up to meeting/attracting someone new.. or to try again... He is in his mid 30's. never been married but I heard he was seeing a girl which ended 3 months before I met him. But he did not explain it and I was worried it as not over. but he assured me it was. But maybe she came back. People told me she used him.

It was just a silly miscommunication and I am just soo disappointed and sad he didn't want to talk like adults like he said.. He said if we have an issue to just talk it out. But he never gave me the opportunity. Everytime we were together, it was great. But the miscommunication happened through text.. which was my bad. I thought he really liked me. He told my friend he was falling for me... I guess people fall in and out of love so quickly.

I hate that people these days just throw in the towel so easily. Having a good heart doesn't make someone stay and love you. Its taken me soo long to meet someone with a connection and when I had it, he took it away. I went at the pace he took it and then he said we need to slow down. I am not very good at inconsistency. I need to learn not to be so wholeheartedly invested in someone. I need to learn to be cool and chilled. I really wished it worked out.

I just want to meet the right one now. I am tired of waiting and hearing people say that it will happen when i least expect it or that I am a great person and its their loss. Then why do I feel sad?

[Guest_1584]

Eh Hope.

Ahh l'm sorry to hear that . 2/3 of our relationship was viz text or skype or whatsapp and anything else we could find. l'm sorry it was during text , we've had soooooooo much crap with text.

Don't be down on yourself , ok . It's nothing you did you don't sound at all pushy or overwhelming and this putting your best foot forward look , that's a good thing because we're left asking shoulda coulda otherwise and so at least you can say you did.

But l don't think it was you anyway, it all reals of the ex to me. 3mths is way way to soon , l dunno how long they were together but if he was used and hurt, it's too soon. And maybe she did reappear , that'd only make it worse .

l think he believed things he was saying to ya but then later when things came up and were moving along , he just wasn't as good to go as he though and it was a bit much a but soon in the end is all.

l really wouldn't take it personally ok , sounds like it was more about him just not being ready yet. He might even wanna try again l wouldn't be surprised , later on , few mths ,when he's in a better place. Doesn't mean you have to but just sayin.

So don't be down on yourself you , l know that's a lot easier said than done though. take care .

[High_Anxiety]

Hi peoples,

I see my original post has gathered some interest, let me fill you in on my current situation.

After 3.5 years of marriage and 12 months after our last child was born my wife told me she didn't love me and wanted to seperate after a friends wedding we attended. After seeing my devestation she renegged and we continued on as if it didn't happen. But that planted a seed in me and I now tried to please her and allowed her to take advantage of my good nature so I wouldn't end up having that conversation again. But we did end up having that conversation again 3 more times over a 5 year period. The last one being about 6 weeks ago, but this time she has dug her heels in and going through with it.

3 weeks after she told me she had found a new house that she wanted to buy and has pushed to get consent orders in place so she can be free from our mortgage and get finance to buy the new place.

So while all this is happening, I've been sent to the back room to sleep and we are still living under the same roof.

What is hard is that I'm still attracted to her and in love still as it's only been a short time, and watching her move on in front of me is throwing me on a rollercoaster of emotions and making it hard to start the healing process of this loss. I'm pretty messed up ATM.

We never really fought, we were mostly affectionate to each other and I believe we were the type of couple that some of our friends aspired to be like except for the fact the my wife was looking for a way out underneath the image she was putting out to friends and family.

To just say "I don't love you the way that a wife should love a husband" and indicated that she never really did hurts like you wouldn't believe. I can't help but think that when we met her biological clock was ticking and I was a good candidate to facilitate her needs. Once my job was done, I was now disposable!

My values are that when you get married and take vows that you commit to do everything possible to make that marriage work. My commitment was there 110%, hers was not!

Looks like I'll have to ride this rollercoaster for at least another 3 months before I can be on my own and start to heal my very deep wounds from this relationship.

Thanks for reading

HA

[Lady_Bug]

Hi high anxiety.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I too am going through a similar thing the love e of my life gas said after a 3 yr relationship and a 1 yr old daughter he has decided he isn't in love anymore and left.

the pain is relentless, the over thinking is driving me insane.

We did have our disagreements and fights but nothing too major.

I am trying to hold onto the hope of a reconciliation but I just don't know.

Doesn't it make you feel worthless? Like your best efforts just sent good enough?

I can't offer any words of wisdom but know I am here if you wanna talk or vent.

[High_Anxiety]

Thankyou lady bug for sharing and your kind words,

I'll be Okay eventually, the only thing I can and have been doing is coming from a position of love. I'm helping her with all my power to achieve this seperation, not because I want her gone but because I love her!! This empowers me in a couple of ways. 1st is the feeling you get from giving feeds good emotions to your soul, the 2nd is knowing that she will walk away from this marriage knowing what a good man she is leaving.

So while it hurts like hell and is a big loss to my life, it's the best I can do with the choices I have.

Cheers

HA