Disowning relatives

[white knight]

10 years ago I turned 58yo and forcibly retired from work due to MH issues. I needed to regroup, put myself, my daughter and my wife ahead of- everyone. Like many I had a toxic family that ranged from borderline PD to bipolar to anxiety and the dreaded narcissism. Having my own bipolar, anxiety and high functioning autism (recent revelation), I was not much different to my blood relatives except for the narcissism.

Ok, that said I decided to give some relatives one last chance which fed my need to not hold any guilt in the future by rash decisions.

There is the hard and the easy way to cope with rejecting relatives. With previous attempts when younger I'd crumble at the thought, then crumble again when I grieved for them, so I had become a boomerang family member. When I returned to my family the narcs were happy not to talk about what the issue was, to resolve so recurrence didnt happen, so again and again it repeated.

But something changed at 58yo. I decided a few things-

• that blood relatives no longer automatically had my presence, that I had the right to reject them for a peaceful existence.
• that seeking stability I needed to ensure I didnt have unstable people in my life, that I was to create my own "more" stable world
• that my wife should no longer carry the burden of my family upsets when she had come from a stable upbringing
• that 58 years was long enough and if I was lucky enough to last another 25 years that I could choose then to mould those years into happier times

The above decision making says it all and I've gradually found peace from family problems. Yes, the occasional relative I still have in my life will call and ask if they can mediate and I politely decline. Those calls are examples of the triangulation from rejected family members.

Do I miss them- oh, yes, but the cycle would return if I allowed them back in. My family ensured that guilt was a major weapon so I know my guilt especially that my 93yo mother is still alive, would eat at me. But alas, if I visited her after so many years I know the guilt would be her priority then she'd haunt me from her grave. 

Troubled people have to build a world around themselves and only issue passes to those that either understand or have a level of loyalty that you feel safe with. 

These are desperate situations, suicidal thoughts, attempts, suffering through rage and comments from despicable people. Being blood does not mean you are a punching bag.

If thats you then untie the rope, let that bag drop...

TonyWK

[white knight]

In that case just survive it but if she hasn't grappled yhe text thing who's responsibility is it, not yours. This is why she rings you, you're a sounding board, a soft touch in her eyes.

TonyWK 

[randomxx]

Yeah ah, thing is l've shut her down and out quite a few times over the yrs she's well aware of at least one thing, that l'm pretty prickly with her but then l feel guilty later on bc she really hasn't done anything wrong and can't get why, it's just her v bloody irritating personality.

Anyway yep , text only from here on , no ifs or buts.

rx

[David35]

I have a narcissist brother and sister-in-law. I've recently learnt to distance myself from them as they have done during mum's cancer treatment. I got sick of the relationship all being about what we could provide them rather than any sort of mutual respect (give and take). With them it's all take and no give and it's emotionally and spiritually exhausting. I no longer miss his guilt-tripping, his criticisms, his personal attacks and the deep hurt he has caused both mum and I by being so selfish. I miss his kids, but I've realised that one day they'll grow up and make their choices as to whether they want to know their uncle.

[white knight]

I have 2 neices 32 and 30yo that decided to take their mothers side in a dispute. They have their choices. My sister gambled that losing all 3 of them would cause me to buckle. I will never buckle to triangulation. It's wrong and it's cruel.

TonyWK 

[David35]

I think that's what has happened to us. My brother and his wife emotionally blackmailed us with the love of their kids. Unless mum helped finance their bills, expenses, even part of their mortgage, they would cut off themselves off. They knew how much it meant to mum. We said no. Consequently we rarely see them or hear from them. So basically mum and I have been punished for refusing to be used like an ATM. Every day mum cries her eyes out for how she's been treated. I've never experienced cruelty quite like it. They have completely excluded us from their lives, except when they want something of course.

[Croix]

Dear David35~

They really are self-centered and unscrupulous, something you talked about elswhere, particularly as they have two good incomes but just waste the money. I think you are showing great strenght and fortitude in not being a soft touch, though as you say you and you mum have to suffer as a result.

While you may have a realistic picture, does the same apply to your mum? It is terribly upsetting to feel used by one's son and be blackmailed over the grand-kids . Frankly from what you have said before I don't think giving in would do any good, simply encourage more of the same.

It would be natural - though misplaced - for your mum to wonder what she had done wrong to have a son who is so greedy and heart-less.  Sadly it is one of the unfair things in life that no matter how hard a parent tried and no matte how much they give love some offspring do not turn out well.

I don't envy you trying to comfort your mum, it must be very hard

Croix

[white knight]

Yes, emotional blackmail is cruel and works best on kind loving fragile people especially grandparents. 

The older I get the more clearer the line between right and wrong appears. My last post where my sister used her daughter as weapons was a clear breach of attitude, cruel to me and indeed cruel to place her daughters in a decision situation that they should have been protected from.

David, as hard as this situation is, it is wrong and cruel on your brother and sister in laws part. Yes he's your brother and he has choices how to treat you, and you have choices if you want to tolerate it. By tolerating their behaviour you are endorsing it. 

Classic example of this is my 30yo second daughter. She chose to come into my life 6 times in 12 years, remain exchanging messages then 7 to 10 days later block me from our only source of contact- Facebook. She refused to give her address or phone number. My eldest daughter brought up a good point- "as long as you are there for her she won't ever stop her behaviour". After much thought I finally blocked her!. I simply decided not to be treated with disrespect. 

How do I cope? By respecting my own rights and protecting my boundaries. If I didn't I'd torture myself... now it does still hurt but it isn't torture.

"I told my youngest once "if I could not pay to fly to London to help you I'd swim there". Now I add "...if respect still exists"

TonyWK 

[randomxx]

Hi there David and all.

l agree with the others David , what else can you do . lt just boggles my mind of how some even brothers sisters can be with their own family,just blows my mind but l'd be doing the same thing you are now, l couldn't allow that kind of manipulation.

lt is sad with the kids though l know. l have 6 sisters and another one of mine l've had to cut of completely now. l couldn't even believe the last two phone calls with her, the second one was  a more chance thing , but there won't be anymore now. Things she'd said and thrown in my face, invented, twisted, dragged up from decades ago and the aggressiveness, it was mind blowing, out of nowhere.

Sadly though, love her kids but she's probably poisoned them about me now, l won't really know until l see them at a Christmas or somewhere next time.

Ho there Tony and so sorry to hear about your 2nd daughter relationship. Whatever happened back when to make her that way in the first place ? Bc your close to your son and other daughter, she feels left out, your ex poisoned things, or what ?

Mind you l imagine you might prefer not to go into it and no problem if not.

Had a call from the other sister last wk , the irritating one . Third time she's called in the last 5 or 6 wks. l haven't answered the first few but out of shear guilt did answer the last one. said how ya goin M , what's up. She says ah at last l get the man and not the machine and just launched straight of into another one of her 20mins totally out there rambles before l even got another word in.

Harmless enough it's not that, but man. l have real relationships to worry about deal with and to enjoy to, real life, real communication and l'm just thinking , not again, can't do it. Said ok m well l'm starving l've gotta go have tea and got off.

l've been training her to text but she still keeps trying these surprise attack calls to even after l've told her point blank, l mean no ifs no buts l don't wanna call anymore and why.

Anyway, as she's not really a bad person pretty good hearted actually, she's only trying to fix whatever she thinks is broken but she still just has no idea what that actually is and l have "real" relationships very important and very special ones. Real things going on and very very special people to worry about so l'm not about to start teaching her wth the problem is and so her very bloody irritating personality and way lives on.

So re'reading again here just now , l'll still go with your earlier tips l think Tony and just ride out the rest of the yr here, keep it down to text only with her and then l'll be leaving the area anyway and hopefully that'll be that.

Best to all

rx

[randomxx]

Hi there Tony.

Just wanted to ask you a few things about caravaning as l've left and am on the road now. 

Not sure if you have a thread somewhere obviously more suitable but this one was all l could find right now.lf you happen to pop in maybe you can put me to a better one so that l can ask you a few things.

Cheers

rx

[white knight]

Yes Rx, post in this one. See you there

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/inexpensive-recovery-idea-camping/td-p/66887