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Disowned by my own family

Community Member

Its been 8 years since my whole family disowned me (i was 16) and i still feel like i cant let go, mostly because i dont even have a reason for why they didnt love me anymore, i never did anything that would provoke it.

I am now married with two beautiful children but i find every day so hard to cope with. im always in fear that my husband will fall out of love with me, and i struggle alot to whole heartedly love my own daughter and to top it off my 5mth old has born with a deformity and im so scared about the surgeries he will have to have, i feel so alone every time there is a major life event in my life i dont have my mum, dad grandparents etc to talk to and guide me, i have no support my friends think im "fine" even when i have a full on break down in front of them or they just dont care about me and focus on their other friend who is much more important, its driving me nuts.

i constantly live in fear that i will lose everything...i guess i just want to know...am i alone?? has anyone ever been disowned by their family?? how do you cope? can you ever overcome the feelings or just manage them? its just so hard to see other people so close to their mums... or grand kids getting spoilt, i feel like my kids got ripped off.

11 Replies 11

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Kiyomi

I am sorry to read that you have been abandoned by your parents and at such a young age.

Can you remember of anything happening that might have caused this?

My parents and brother and sister have all abandoned me three years ago when I told my mum I had memories of being abused.  The hurt I have is terrible.  To feel abandoned and rejected by people that are supposed to be my parents is distressing. They have abandoned my children as well not even sending them a gift for their 18th and 21st birthdays.  

How do I cope? - that is a very hard question to answer.  I only just cope.  I cope day by day.  I get very upset on their birthdays, christmas just special occasions.  It hurts to know that the others are altogether except me.

This weekend just gone was 3 yrs since seeing them and it still haunts me that last day I saw my mum.


I think, as much as it's hard, to just live day by day.  Enjoy your husband and children.  I understand though what you're saying about seeing other people close to their mums.  I see this all the time and I get upset because I wish my mum was close to me and helped me when my children were young - but she didn't.  I feel exactly like you do with your kids - that they have been ripped off and it's not their fault at all.

Maybe having some counselling sessions will help.  I am seeing a psych and have been for 3 yrs., He is helping me with my mum abandoning me, so you could try that.

Wishing you all the best

Take care


Community Member

Hi Kiyomi, I know how you feel. My family has also disowned me. I am also married now and have 2 children. They disowned me when I got married in November, my sister was meant to come up for it, but decided not to because as she told me she had work commitments, which I believed, on the day of my wedding I found out she was in NSW after all. This was when I realised that my family had disowned me. Now that I have had my second child, they expect me to get in touch with them and apologise to them. 

Community Member

I was disowned by my family at 16 also. I am now 33. I've raised my two kids on my own that my family doesn't know. I get what you are saying about having no support or guidance. It can be tough. In my 20's I spent a lot of time grieving my loss. It's almost like the same grief as when a person dies.  Except you lose many people and those people are still alive.  A lot of times I feel like I just fell from the sky and I'm completely alone. My kids get mad at me when I say I wish I had a family. Cause they are my family. It's different because I'm there for my kids but I need someone there for me.


You are lucky you have your husband. Be so grateful you have a family. I've been a single mom since I was 19. I just want you to know it does get better and easier. My parents came a little bit into my life. I think they are having regrets about not knowing my kids they are 13&8. But my 30's are a lot different than my 20's and I'm over it. Don't need them don't care. The best guidance and voice you have is the one within yourself. You don't need grandparents and cousins sisters and parents. Everything you need is within you. 


I think we have two families in our lives one that we grow up with and the one we have forever as adults. Love your family you have.  The only family that's real rest is in the past. 

Community Member

I too have been disowned by my family. Looking back on my life now (55 years old now), I can see the process as having begun when I was about 14 year's old. I don't think it was anything I consciously did. I think I have been the victim of circumstances. My mum developed Parkinson's illness when I was about 12. My father had emotional issues of his own which compounded over the years. My siblings were a lot older than I. They were close to one another, but I have always been on the outer of their lives.

I don't know if you have had any particular event that you can trace back to as being the reason for your family disowning you. I don't know if my siblings (both my parents have passed on) would say they have "disowned" me if asked. They simply have no desire to interact with me. Not that I have tried in the past few years to contact them.

It is a painful feeling. I have two children. As they grow (10 and 16 years old boys), I fear greatly the day when they too will move on. I have less and less ability or will to plan the future at all. I fear it too much. Everything I have tried to plan in the past has gone terribly wrong. I fear I will do something to ruin my children's lives.

I am single and alone, passing through menopause, getting grey and tired, and jobless as well. I am going through an extremely stressful breakup of relationship with my youngest son's father. People try to help by telling me to focus on achieving at least one thing each day, and "being positive".

Maybe you shouldn't receive such sad words! Maybe it will help a little just to know you are not alone. I hope we both can find the love we need to sustain us.


Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Kiyomi,

Thank you for posting.

I cannot offer you any reasons for what happened. I am a 51yo man with five kids and a grand daughter. My youngest daughter (15) has refused to see me except once or twice a year for about four years now. I don't know why.

I know I can not give up as a parent and if that message helps you, I am glad. You have two children of your own and you can be a good mum to them and with your husband show them what a loving family looks like.

Your fears about your relationship and children are part of life. There are no guarantees and none of us can predict or lock in our futures. Just keep on being you, love your husband, love your children, love yourself.

Kind regards, John.


Community Member

I am so sorry to hear such sad stories of disownment by family. I thought I was the only one. You are all so very strong and I do hope that you all know how courageous you are. Thank you for sharing.

It has been 8 years since my family disowned me over a lie of physically abusing my mother and aunt. It never happened but the truth is not important. I have since been isolated from my own community as well and lost my home as well as my family. Last year, after much time in apologising and proving my worth, I was (partly) accepted back into the fold. My brother, however,  refuses to have anything to do with me.

But it looks like nothing has changed and I remain the scapegoat. I thought I had forgiven my family, but evidently not as I lost my temper and this resulted in a yelling match and I slapped my sister. I feel terrible.

I have accumulated a lot of anger from the years of abuse (physical and emotional) from all family members and the continued lies and farce. It has impacted upon my trust with others and I have found myself in a number of traumatic/violent situations. I keep to myself even though I have some really lovely friends (most over 15 years in length). However, I feel so unsupported and alone because I have no family (despite knowing better).

I used to self harm many years ago but I just feel now that I am truly the problem in my own life. I am really wondering about my existence and I cant sleep or eat. I have no children (chronic illness and cancer prevented this and I cant hold onto relationships as I feel suffocated). My puppy is the only thing keeping me alive.

I'm struggling and need some support just to get through these dark times. I have seen psychologists and cant stand them. They are not helpful. This depression will pass...it is just really hard at the moment.

Stay strong dear Kiyomi

Community Member
Hi Subby.  I'm another 'disowned' member of a very dysfunctional family.  My so-called 'family' fell apart at the sudden, unexpected death of my dad (the year before Elvis).  I had always known I wasn't wanted.  Mum told me at the tender age of 11 that when she knew she was pregnant, she tried to abort (really made me feel wanted -not).  Unfortunately, life doesn't always give us into the 'perfect' family.  Some kids are adopted out, some go from institution to institution, some go from foster to foster.  My mum passed 21 years ago, leaving me nothing.  That hurt till I realised what a favour she had done me.  If you have siblings and you're part of the 'will', the amount of fighting over deceased estates is terrible.  If, however, you're left nothing, you don't get into these situations of 'mum left ME  that', I want it, being told, you can't have it, I'm the eldest, it's mine.  As you start to grow, you're given two choices, sink or swim.  I chose 'swim', I wanted better than what my parents had.  You have a puppy, I can't have one as my work prevents me from spending the necessary time with a puppy.  I don't have children (not by choice), I'm separated, but the best thing (for me), I'm FREE to be myself.  I can stay up all night reading, watching t.v.  If I don't feel like cooking, I don't.  You say you feel alone because you have no family.  Yet the 'family' you had accused you of some pretty awful things, do you really want that sort of family?  Be grateful you're no longer on the receiving end of that rubbish.  Enjoy the friends you do have, they know what you're like, enjoy the unconditional love of your puppy.  Your 'family' does not love you 'unconditionally', if they did, the crap you endured wouldn't have happened.  Concentrate on your good points, (we all have them).  Accept that what's past, is past, you can't change that.  You actually sound a very warm, loving, caring person, build on those qualities.  It doesn't matter if you never reconcile, they're the losers, they've lost the person I just described.  You've gained you, that's pretty rare these days, to gain a great personality.  I did it, you can.  Wish we could be friends, you have so much warmth.  I could use a friend like you.  I have many, but there's always room.         

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear Kiyomi

Hello. Thank you for sharing your story. You have had some amazing replies from people in similar situations and some of them did not realise that others have been where they are. So your story has given some relief to others who have been able to tell their stories.

Being abandoned by others is a horrible experience and when it is your family it's even worse. You have been given a lot of support and advice here. Only you can decide which to use but please try and take heart that others can and have coped with the same hurt as you. I know, through different circumstances, how hard it is to believe in others and to trust others. So trust yourself and your instincts.

Your husband married you because he loves you, the same reason you married him. Accept this and grow together. There will always be rough patches. Marriage is like that and at these times it is easy to imagine the marriage has ended. Just keep going loving your husband and children. When you think the children are old enough, tell them about their extended family so that when you feel sad they can support you.

I know you will always feel sad about the past but do not live there. I am a great believer in meditation mindfulness, which say your life is in the here and now. I don't mean to get all philosophical on you. Just want to say, stay in the life you have now. If the past continues to hurt you then get some counseling from a psychologist or your GP and learn how to heal and close that chapter.

One thing I think that will help is for you to continue to write in here and receive the support and care the lovely people on BB will give.


Community Member

Dear Kiyomi,

It truly is sad hearing these stories and we hope to share experiences here to support each other. Only very recently I have seen my partner experience her family disown her. She has fallen pregnant and when we told her parents, they immediately wanted nothing to do with her. They are strong catholics and as I am in the final months of an annulment from a previous marriage 7 years ago, her parents did not agree with us being together even though I was divorced 6 years ago. They feel religion is more powerful than the law which is sad because now she is pregnant, they want nothing to do with her. Even the locks to their house have been changed. Sad!!