Destructive MIL

[Ariel_84]

My MIL is a manipulative & destructive woman. She told my 4 year old to eat nuts when she suffers anaphylaxis, MIL & FIL took her without asking while on a family picnic & abused me for telling her it's unacceptable pointing her finger in my face & she was going to wash her hands of me, while I was pregnant suffering hyperemisis in & out of hospital she turned husband against me & my family & also told my daughter to listen to nan & not mummy because nan is right, during my whole pregnancy she was relentless. The more ill I was the worse she became.. she even tried telling my family & husband I was suffering from a mental illness. She refused to acknowledge I was suffering hyperemisis & was only pregnant. When bub was born she refused to even acknowledge me giving me dirty looks. It was horrible. My husband is an only child. MIL has a strong hold over him. MIL has told me she's ending my marriage, taking husband away & we'll never seem him again, said my daughters allergies & anaphylaxis are rubbish & lies about everything. My 4 year old is seeing a psychologist & has been traumatised by MIl. My six month old has been exposed to MIL's abuse. Husband is conflicted. This woman seems set on destroying me, my children, my marriage, my husband. Husband would tell me she treated her dog better then him, that she never read or sang to him. She would manipulate husband & turn him against FIL. My 4 year old is questioning her allergies, speech has been affected & suffering from anxiety. Husband said he would confront MIL when she caused problems but she refused to listen. Husband still defends & makes excuses for MIL. I have taken steps to protect the children & I from MIL. Husband is being pressured by his parents I think he is suffering from depression. He doesn't cope well with stress. I know he needs support. It's such a horrible situation. 

[white knight]

Hi Ariel

My other knowledge is a little limited but, I read that these people often have an event between the ages of 6 and 9yo whereby their emotional development is stunted. In my mothers case for example she had an older brother and lived on a farm. He was favourite and them days especially in Tassy, the farm went to the boy and the daughter became family to her husband. So at an early age she was discriminated against.

Then again my mothers mother and 3 aunties, I would say from my judgement, are all in the same category. My uncle once said to me privately "there is something wrong with the females in the family". It was the one and only time he confided in me.

I believe I have very slight traits of my mothers issues. But luckily I'm mostly like my dear dad (dec). My sister hasn't been so lucky and has more signs but is battling against them and isn't in denial.

Without knowing your husband if he has mostly his dads character he'll slowly mature to be like him. But the battles against his mum will be fierce. After all she owns him! (the queen)

I think that unfortunately with hubby it will come down to you or MIL. You are indeed a placid warm person with stability compared to her but unlike what some think, eg it takes two to tango, it only takes one, one vicious and manipulative person can ruin a family. It would take patience on your part, boundaries set by you to hubby and most importantly hubbies firm decision making against mummy.

The son of a narcissist mother has tremendous fear. In his case he risks losing you, his children, his mother and father. But a good counsellor is needed and its hard to judge a good one to a not so good one. They tend to play the middle road whereas you need one that realises there is no chance of working things out with a narc MIL. People like your MIL dictate where ever they go. I did do counselling once with my parents We went in and mother had little choice if she wanted a family united but to do her usual thing- deny wrong doing but kept declaring - "all we want is to be happy"...mmm So we were re-united and it took 8 weeks before it was all back to normal- terrible.

Google "my husband's narcissistic mother" it states that a man isn't ready for marriage until he 'divorces' his mother". That emotionally he is bound by her.

Hubby needs to break emotionally free and dedicate himself to you and the kids...and protect you all. Do you have the patience?

Tony WK

[white knight]

Also Ariel, google "narcissistic mother-in-law"

That article depicts what I've just said (they must have copied me lol) and it tells how you and hubby can set boundaries.

Having read it I think hubby needs to man up and enforce those boundaries.

You didn't marry his mother and you do not need to have a close relationship with her.

Tony WK

[Ariel_84]

I focused on having a fun easter break with my kids & hubby.. but hubby was not interested.. his mind was elsewhere.. he would enter a room I was in be sweet as pie to the kids & give me dirty looks.. if it wasn't dirty looks it was silent treatment.. when he would talk to me he would snap at me & whenever he was near me all I could feel was bad energy.. my four year old would tell him to leave the room.. hubby told me to drop the intervention order against his mother.. his behaviour towards me was hostile.. I contacted the police who spoke with him.. the following day I called the police & they visited the home & hubby volunteered to leave.. but then reappeared a couple of hours later.. my court hearing was yesterday & the magistrate continued the order against MIL for a year.. hubby gave me the silent treatment so frustrating! I have received a barrage of text messages today & it seems hubby is siding with MIL.. MIL told hubby the magistrate reluctantly agreed to the order.. complete lies.. Hubby isn't recognizing intervention order is in place because MIL emotionally & psychologically abused the children & I..  hubby is blaming me for the order & is now financially threatening me & the children in spite of the judges ruling.. I know I have protected the kids & I.. but hubby may be like his mother.. mind games.. 

[pipsy]

Hi Ariel.  Lynda here.  Oh, dear, I feel so sorry for the predicament you're in.  Hubby is obviously emotionally powerless where MIL is concerned.  I think you know what your next step is.  I'm not going to tell you, I feel from now on MIL is going to emotionally usurp your every move where you, hubby and kids are concerned.  Hubby is not going to be able to cut the 'umbilical' tie to mum without help.  You can't do anything to help him because you're too close.  Distancing yourself and kids is paramount to your well-being.  If you can find somewhere to go away from all the crap that's happening, it would be better.  Definitely NO COTACT between MIL and children because they'll be caught in the cross-fire.  Perhaps, supervised contact for hubby with children.  You may need to visit c'link for financial help if you do decide to distance yourself.  If hubby wants to take children to his mother for a visit, I would vetoe that totally.  See a lawyer for legal advice on this one, tell lawyer MIL has narcissistic personality disorder.  Explain fully what that means.        

[white knight]

I agree totally with Pipsy (again) mostly

But I’m doubtful any court will give you permission for your kids to not have contact with your MIL. Let us remember  that your kids are the fathers kids also and he has right to take his children to relatives and friends of his choosing if there is no history of proven abuse the same rights as yourself. It is important you seek legal advice from a family lawyer about limiting access to your children from others.

The “silent treatment” dirty looks and so forth is indeed abuse. However it doesn’t come under any official crime. What it does do however is hurl abuse at you and it is unacceptable. I suggest you continually have meetings with hubby about this- be direct but tactful. eg (once seated in a calm place) "Thankyou for bringing me a cup of coffee this morning but I noticed later you gave me dirty looks this morning, tell me why"? Ask questions to make him accountable for his actions. Point out to him his actions are not mature. Create a system whereby you have short meetings when needed even as short as a few minutes- seek clarification and accountability!!

You are really in a pickle here. Interstate relocation isn’t an alternative either because at the end of the day, when and if a family court was to adjudicate on behalf of the children they might see that as a selfish move and a cruel one. They could, see it as a big disadvantage for the children as well as for the father whom, lets face it, is a victim himself of his own mother regardless that he sides with her feelings.

Hubby is under the control of his mother. He doesn’t understand why it is all happening. He sees his mother with heartbreak, anger etc  and this is the waif acting out. Googling “witch waif queen hermit” really puts all this in perspective. Knowledge of what you are dealing with is one thing, actions to protect yourself and your kids from it is another.

People like yourself (and me with my mother) that fight against the narcissistic relative end up with all the wrath the narc can throw. It divides families forever. If you cant be of the sort that can bow to all her wishes then half way is the only way. This would mean making peace with her through negotiation then slowly make the changes you need to make for your sanity like convincing hubby to move further away or waiting for him to emotionally mature - away from mother.

It isn’t easy and in a way it forces you to be the manipulator you are not.

Tony WK

[pipsy]

Hi Tony. If you read the original post re: Ariel, you'll see where she says that MIL gave her 4 year old g'daughter (who has anaphylaxis), nuts.  Ariel had told her MIL about the condition the child has, MIL totally ignored what she was told, and went on to tell child her mother was wrong.   In my mind, this constitutes abuse and total disregard for the child's safety and welfare.  Under those circumstances, I can't see a judge/family court allowing access unless it is supervised.  I'm not trying to undermine you, nor am I trying to cross you, I take my hat off to you actually.  The child's welfare must come first.  If the MIL refuses to comply with conditions re: access, then I don't think she should be allowed to see the child unsupervised.  You have taught me so much with regards to narcissism, I really admire and respect you for all you have learnt and taught me.