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Destructive MIL

Ariel_84
Community Member

My MIL is a manipulative & destructive woman. She told my 4 year old to eat nuts when she suffers anaphylaxis, MIL & FIL took her without asking while on a family picnic & abused me for telling her it's unacceptable pointing her finger in my face & she was going to wash her hands of me, while I was pregnant suffering hyperemisis in & out of hospital she turned husband against me & my family & also told my daughter to listen to nan & not mummy because nan is right, during my whole pregnancy she was relentless. The more ill I was the worse she became.. she even tried telling my family & husband I was suffering from a mental illness. She refused to acknowledge I was suffering hyperemisis & was only pregnant. When bub was born she refused to even acknowledge me giving me dirty looks. It was horrible. My husband is an only child. MIL has a strong hold over him. MIL has told me she's ending my marriage, taking husband away & we'll never seem him again, said my daughters allergies & anaphylaxis are rubbish & lies about everything. My 4 year old is seeing a psychologist & has been traumatised by MIl. My six month old has been exposed to MIL's abuse. Husband is conflicted. This woman seems set on destroying me, my children, my marriage, my husband. Husband would tell me she treated her dog better then him, that she never read or sang to him. She would manipulate husband & turn him against FIL. My 4 year old is questioning her allergies, speech has been affected & suffering from anxiety. Husband said he would confront MIL when she caused problems but she refused to listen. Husband still defends & makes excuses for MIL. I have taken steps to protect the children & I from MIL. Husband is being pressured by his parents I think he is suffering from depression. He doesn't cope well with stress. I know he needs support. It's such a horrible situation. 

25 Replies 25

Jacko777
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Ariel84,

Cripes! What is wrong with her??

I have no advice but if it were me I would stay well away from her, as you are. All you can do is surround your family with love. I think your husband could benefit from professional advice do you think? Perhaps he can find some clarity about what is going on with his mother, find out why she acts the way she does and this might help him to have a better understanding to form a clear response. It would be so confusing and hurtful for him and all of you of course.

I know how frustrating it can be to try and get parents to change for the better, I wonder if anyone like FIL has talked to her about her mental health? I am no doctor but it does sound to me like she is suffering from a mental health issue do you think?

Perhaps it really is time for your family to have fresh plans for your mental health, ensure that you are doing all you can to recover from the past and develop a new outlook for the future. You could ring BB as a starting point or find a good counsellor if you can afford it. Talk here any time, your hubby is welcome here too of course, much love to all of you.

Jack

pipsy
Community Member

Dear Ariel.  Hi, hope we can be of some help or support for you.  It sounds as though your MIL has some major jealousy problems accepting her son with a family of his own.  Her son (your hubby) is in a no-win situation here.  On one hand he has a mother who wants to be in total control of everything and everyone.  On the other hand he has a family of his own that he's trying to do his best for.  He's bending over backwards trying to please everyone and the poor thing is probably extremely miserable, just wants to disappear completely.  MIL's so p*** off with him for marrying and daring to have a child, you're equally p*** off because MIL's trying to control you and child.  Doesn't matter what hubby (son) does, he can't get a break from the situation.  Your hubby is 100% depressed with the pressure he's under.  You're going to have to be strong and a bit hard here.  You're going to have to make the decision hubby is unable to make.  I would suggest you tell hubby, spend time with parents if you like (his decision, there, either way), meantime you set the boundaries with m/d as far as contact with children.  I would say maybe an hour tops g'parents have contact with children (with you if you like, or not).  That's your call to make.  No giving children eats, make sure they have something before they go.  If they want  a drink, water only, unless you give them something to take.  It is pointless getting Dr's notes re: the anaphylaxis your daughter has, MIL wouldn't acknowledge it.  If MIL ignores ruling on eats or drinks, no more contact.  Tell hubby and MIL straight, your choice, my rules, take it or leave it.  Also tell them this is their one chance to either play by your rules or no contact.  As I said, you're going to have to be extremely strong and a bit hard.  I realize it's a hard decision and only you can make it.  Basically, your way or the highway.  I've had to sever all contact with my ex and his family because of his b*** of a mother.  My ex was too emotionally weak to walk away from her destructive nature, so I did.  If we'd had kids, I would've done what I've just suggested.  I've had to learn to be a bit hard through my own destructive family.

Sorry if I sound harsh, hope I haven't upset you.

Ariel_84
Community Member

Hi Pipsy, I agree there are some jealousy issues. I'm a family person & have gone out of my way to involve MIL & FIL. It feels like MIL is only out to sabotage hubbys happiness. MIL has caused problems which have caused a divide between my parents & sisters with hubby. They were all very close they were family. MIL was very jealous of my mum there was no reason for it. Hubby was happy until MIL involved herself & then everything in our lives started to fall apart. Now that its affecting my children I've put my foot down & there's no contact. Thankfully inlaws live 3 hours ago! FIL phoned me threatened I would lose my husband, my home & the kids would lose their inheritance.. for me my childrens mind is more important then those things.. MIL doesn't listen to anyone.. before I was with hubby I would see her.manipulate hubby & turn him against his father for something he refused to buy her or something she wanted done.. I always said to hubby to speak to his dad about it.. instead hubby & MIL would gang up on FIL & refuse to speak to him for weeks or be short with him.. the poor guy had no idea.. The day he phoned me & threatened me I told him this.. he didn't say anything. I think MIL has always been this way & wont ever change. I feel sorry for my kids they're innocent in this. I think if hubby stays with inlaws he will only return more confused & angry. I think at least with the children he can enjoy himself. I really wish he would see her for what she is.. 

Jacko777
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

That's why I think it would help for your hubby to get some counselling, so he can see her for what she is. Would he a see a counsellor to discuss this?

Jack

Earlier today I suggested he make an appointment to see a counselor which he dismissed.. he sent me a text telling me to lodge child support.. One day he's saying things like this other days he's being supportive. He can have 5 different personalities in a day. It's confusing to me & the kids. I suspect this may be depression? 

pipsy
Community Member
Hi Ariel.  It sounds to me as though MIL is ordering him to tell you to lodge a claim for child support.  As I said earlier, the poor guy doesn't know whether he's coming or going.  He could be quite scared of his mum too.  She must have an incredibly strong personality to have this much say.  I hate to say this, but I wondering if she's using emotional blackmail on him.  You know what I mean: someday I'll be dead and you won't have me any more and it'll be your fault.  If that is the case (not saying for a moment, it is), but, if it is, she definitely knows what buttons to push.  She's very insecure and lonely too actually.  If she was secure and happy with a full life, none of what's happening, would be happening.  People who are jealous usually are very insecure and lonely and want to ruin everyone around them to make them as miserable as they are.  There's an old saying: misery loves company.  Your hubby needs help, but until he asks for it, there's not a lot you can do.  You mentioned hubby is the only child (and a son), she completely idolizes him and needs him to make her happy.   You may have to let him go, sorry to say, but I don't see how you and him can have any sort of life, while MIL calls the shots as far as he's concerned.  He may want the situation to change, but if she's using emotional blackmail, and he's not that strong, what other recall do you have.  I realize you probably still love him, I think underneath he loves you too, but he's just not emotionally powerful enough to take a stand.  He's her 'baby' and always will be.    

Hi

For clarity of what your MILmight have re illness google "queen witch hermit waif"

Seems classic narcissist. Your FIL is a speaker for her, under her spell. Son won't ever find the courage to stand up to her till much older. 

Sad as it seems leaving hubby for a while would have a positive effect, that he has to realise where she is stepping over the line but remember... He'll have access and in-laws will have lots of access to your kids. 

If you stick with hubby try asking him lots of questions eg why did your mum give me a dirty look? Why does she ignore my instructions with our children? What is her issues with me? Why isn't happiness possible within this family. ?

You husbands swinging is likely directly to do with his contact with his mum.

All this happened to me. I even had an intervention order against her so my 2nd wedding went uninterrupted. She ruined my 1st wedding. They stop at nothing to conquer (witch), to own you (the queen), to use others as a weapon(the waif) and blackmail to hurt you ( the hermit)

Tony wk

Hi Tony.  I must say I was thinking narcissistic MIL too, but didn't want to say.  Ariel could try questioning MIL's 'dirty looks' to DIL, but I think that's going to put more of a strain on his already weak shoulders.   Her hubby is totally unable to defend her against his mother.  Anything she does to question his loyalty to his mother is going to cause him more problems than he can handle.  Unfortunately, by the time m passes, too much damage might already have been done.  My ex MIL/FIL still very much alive, still has ex running after them.  He says he wants to be with me, too much damage done by them.  I can't trust him.

We still don't live together, may never.  Wish I could meet a man who doesn't have parents.  Are there any? lol.

Hubby agrees that MIL has narcissistic tendencies. Hubby is close to 40.. I agree the swinging is due to contact from either MIL or FIL. In regards to asking questions I have done this is the past & husband has told me to just ignore her or he shakes his head.. other times he gets fired up but not sure if he confronts her.. he says he does but who knows.. I have seen FIL stand up to her & MIL has told him "enough xxxx" & shot him down & FIL says nothing. Fortunately I have an intervention order in place to protect the children & I.. MIL  can't have any contact & that's a relief..