Decision time - walk away from wife & son or stay?

[SMD]

Hi - 3yrs ago my world crashed due to stress/burnout.....went from a high flying Exec on a six figure income to being medicalled out of the workforce and due to aggravation of an existing condition found to be Totally Permently Disabled. After a couple of years fighting insurers finally had claims accepted and now financially OK. During this time my missus put up with moving several times as our position changed etc. We have been married for 10yrs+ have known each other since we were teenagers and have a wonderful 9yr old boy. Over the last three years and due to my impairments caused by my injury my missus has got more frustrated and angry.......she cannot get over that the long hours i used to work and stress it made caused all this - I apologised but she cannot firget or forgive. I am unable to drive due to my condition and spend my time pottering around the house, taking the dog for a walk, doing hobbies etc. My missus says she no longer loves me like she used to, constantly rejects sex and the rare occasions it happens its get it over with ASAP, she regulary verbally abuses me, says she hates me, screams and yells. Aside from the evening meal and washing she does next to nothing around the home - I do most of the rest inside and outside, she does not work, my income being 75% of my former income provides a reasonable life.......I have sat down and tried to talk on numerous occasions byt just get yelled at.......it seems like I am just being used.......I do not need the rejection and abuse.......my son sees this as well - so sad. Anyway its decision time - I have told her a few months ago I do not have to put up with the abuse, she needs to forgive (doesnt have to forget), we need to reconnect sexually and emotionally........nothing has changed.....so do we break up and sell the house.......the biggest concern would be my son likely having to go to a crappy public school as she would end up in public housing with very little money (even with me paying 100% child support).......but maybe a dose of reality is what is needed for her to see how good we actually have it compared to many others? Thoughts, comments and suggestions welcome...

[kanga_brumby]

SMD welcome to beyond blue forums. I don't think I have a solution to your position. I do have a view because I was in a similar position. My dearly beloved ( dearly missed) partner had a disability. Which prevented her from being able to dress, bathe, drive or even walk. She didn't even have the strength to pick up our daughter. So it was left up to me to clean up house, cook, attendant care on her, even look after the baby. Most people saw me as a saint (NOT me). She would often wonder why the sex was getting less and less. I often got frustrated with her because of the amount of work it all entailed. I would some times yell at her, because of the frustration. Then say things I would not mean but were still hurtful. All in my opinion still not necessary. It sounds as if you both need a break. A short one for now see where it goes. It is not good for the child, they need good role models, healthy relationships. Take care in your walk through life.

Kanga

[Lucy88]

Hi there SMD

Sounds like you and your family are going through alot. I feel your pain to a certain degree. My husband decided he no longer loved me and packed up his stuff and sent me a text while I was at work to say he had gone. 2 years on I am struggling to still come to terms with what has happened.

I commend you for approaching your wife and attempting to talk to her and express how you feel. It must be hard to feel rejected and shut down while you do this though. Perhaps you could both seek some relationship counselling together and have a professional help you with how you are both feeling and possible outcomes for you both. I only wish this could have been something I had the opportunity to do with my husband before it got to the point of separation.

Take care and I wish you both a good outcome.

[White_Rose]

Dear SMD

Hello, welcome to Beyond Blue. Thank you for telling us your story. I am sorry you and your family are having such a difficult time. I am not sure how to respond to you. I see Kanga has replied and given you a partner's point of view.

Your wife invested her time in supporting you in your work and probably thought you both would have a comfortable life. And I expect this is what you thought. Unfortunately you became unwell and could not work. Now you are able to relax because the financial side of your life has been settled and you have accepted your new life. Your wife has a different role to play, one that she never contemplated and it's hard not to be disappointed.

What I have learned is that these things take time to resolve and become accepted. If I may give you part of my story. I'm not saying it's the same as yours, far from it, but there are aspects that may be similar.

When we married my husband and I had all sorts of dreams, or so I thought. The longer we stayed together the disillusioned I became. Eventually I left him nearly 17 years ago. What he considered a nice place to live I considered a rubbish dump. A huge block of land with a house in the middle. The front was filled with broken down vehicles and the rest of the land was left to weeds. Yes I worked at it but it was far beyond my ability because it needed equipment I could not use.

I was unhappy there and considered I had been cheated. We had four children and I returned to the workforce when the youngest was four. His expectations of me was that I was the traditional wife, stay at home, look after the children and have dinner on the table in the evening. So when I went to work I thought he would take on some of the chores. No, that's not my job. Anyway I won't go on too much, I'm sure you get the picture.

What I am trying to say is that we each had different expectations of our life together. It was hard for me when I finally accepted this. Sadly he made no effort to change and I left when the children left home. It's not about who was right and wrong, or even if one of us was right or wrong. We simply had no common ground any more. And yes I was abused.

Your life together has gone in a different direction than planned and both of you have suffered, which is why I suggest counselling. It's not easy to give up your dreams and expectations, especially in this drastic way. Apologies are OK but do not repair the hurt. Would you try counselling to save your marriage?

Mary

[mia3]

I am on the other side of the fence. My husband has been injured and hasn't worked for 5 years. I work full time and raising children and running the house while he does nothing and then get told I don't give him enough support or encouragement. I have started to resent him and have lost respect for him because of the way he has treated myself and the children over the years. I have tried on several occasions to talk things out but only end up being yelled and swore at. I don't doubt that he is struggling daily to deal with pain and emotions but once words are spoken...they can never be taken back !

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia3

Welcome to the forums. Sorry you are having hard time. I expect your husband is grieving for his lost ability to support his family and instead must look to you for everything. It doesn't make it right for him to abuse you in that fashion and as you say, once words are spoken they cannot be taken back.

Sometimes in trying to talk about our problems one person can feel they are being attacked. That's not necessarily true but it is something to consider. Do you think your husband would agree to have counselling? Here the other person would not be seen as blaming him and he may be able to talk openly about his life. Why not have a chat to your GP and see what he/she thinks.

Coping with daily pain is hard and it is so enervating. His anger is probably because of his pain and loss of his role in the family which he takes out on you. If he could get some help in this it may make life better for both of you.

If you want to talk more on this topic, may I suggest you start a new thread. That way others will know about you and can talk to you. Otherwise your comments will get lost in SMD's thread.

Mary

[pvroom]

Hi SMD, that is a tough situation. Relationships are very challenging. I think when we have different expectations of life it can be very hard to renegotiate the terms of marriage. I suspect your situation has provided some clarity about life and perhaps made you rethink having a fast paced career etc? Perhaps your wife isn't on that same wavelength at the moment. Perhaps she thought you were heading in another direction and the change has been abrupt for her? Does she do any counselling? She might have trauma from your injury. These are just some thoughts. It is hard to put yourself in her shoes but gaining her perspective will help you work through things