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Dealing with the anger

BunnyMuffin
Community Member

Hi There,
My partner & I were together for almost 10 years. Long story short, we met in London, he then moved to Australia to be with me and I (not we or even him...just me) spent the rest of relationship basically dealing with his immigration status. Working holiday visas, defacto visas and finally citizenship. Our physical relationship ended about 3 years ago due to his emotional issues surrounding his relationship with his mother and abuses he suffered as a child/teenager. I wanted to leave him but didn't feel I could due to the fact that he has no one is this country besides myself and my family. I encouraged him to seek help and he finally saw a counselor. After 3 sessions he came home and told me that his counselor thought he had abandonment issues. My reaction was to tell him that I would never leave him. Right after his very next counselling session a month later, he decided to end the relationship. He wanted to remain friends and he wants to remain a part of my family. He told me that he no longer looks at me "like that" and that he has been getting "urges" which I took to mean sexual urges. He also told me that he and his counselor had formed the conclusion that he may never be able to sustain another long term meaningful relationship due to the abuses he suffered. For the last 3 months I have been OK with that until I saw his profile on Tinder. He has also stopped seeing his counselor because they decided that he "no longer needs help and that he seems fine now he has ended the relationship with me". I feel so much anger towards him, my days are full of rage. I don't love him, I don't want to be in a relationship with him but he remains my best friend. I want him to still be my best friend but I can barely look at him let alone be around him. Yet, I miss him when he is gone. I am carrying around so much anger towards him. I feel like my whole life for the past 10 years has been completely consumed by him and his needs and now I have just been thrown away like I am nothing. I feel like everything he said to me during the breakdown of our relationship was a complete lie and I can longer trust him. When I try to tell him how I feel all he can do is focus on how my words hurt him and he can not see things from my point of view. I just want to feel normal again. I have lost so much weight that people comment on it every single day. I feel like I have no one to talk to and I am on the verge of angry tears all the time.

23 Replies 23

BunnyMuffin
Community Member

Ok, so I have a new issue with my ex-partner.

We agreed to have no contact for a little while but he was supposed to drop something off to me today. Something I have been waiting WEEKS for him to sort out. I reminded him of it (and a few other things) and during that conversation he invited me to spend the weekend with him and some of our mutual friends. I reminded him that we are supposed to be having no contact and while I appreciated the invite, it wasn't appropriate. He came back with the comment "Just remember, you're the one contacting me".

I was contacting him about issues he said he would sort out and hasn't done, not wanting to be invited places by him.

He also promised my nephew that he would take him to a theme park at the end of November, I feel if I don't constantly remind him ,he will forget and leave my 7 year old nephew devastated.

In the interim, today is the day he is supposed to be dropping this long awaited for item to me and I have not received any communication from him about when or if he is going to do it.

I guess what I'm wondering is how to deal with this. Because the no communication thing has been great so far (a whole 2 days and I already feel better about things) & I would like it to continue.

Bunny it's Corn.

Don't eat me.

This 'item', did it appear? It's all very mysterious out in rural Australia isn't it.

If not, give this task to your Ma. She can take the reins for a bit.

As far as the ex is concerned you are incommunicado. Stay in flannel, which is lesbian lingerie by the way, then in a few more weeks he'll be really really paranoid that you have swapped teams. Done. Dusted. Over. Can't argue with that.

BunnyMuffin
Community Member

So, I haven't posted for a little while. I've been doing ok until about 2 weeks ago when I all of a sudden started to feel the burning rage again. I was on holidays from work. I decided to cut all communication with my ex, took him off all of my social media etc and I felt terrible for two week. No sleep, not eating properly, going out a lot. Thinking about it all too much probably but I thought it might help to finally move on properly and start 2017 a fresh. Not in a hateful way, I just wanted to accept what was happening and move on, despite how painful.

The my ex and I had to travel to Sydney together for a wedding (all booked etc before we split up). I knew he was having car problems so I offered to pick him up and take him to airport since we were on same flights and staying at same apartment and we would split to cost. No problems.

I go to his house to pick him up and I see our dog and I cry because I miss my dog so much. It's super painful to see him but I just love him.

It's awkward between my ex and I as we hadn't seen or spoke in 2 weeks. We get in the car and we start off the the airport. As soon as we hit the road I HAVE to break to ice because I can't deal with the awkwardness so I'm honest with him and I tell him that I have been feeling super anxious about the trip to Sydney and I haven't been looking forward to it. He bursts into tears and he sobs and he sobs. I'm shocked. He just repeatedly tells me that he is struggling. I tell him I am struggling too. I say we have plenty of time before flight so we'll go to my house to clean ourselves up. We get to my house and he is just beside himself, sobbing and crying.He tells me that he has realised that I am the only person that he can be happy with and that he is only happy when he's with me

The look on my face. He starts crying again and says I must be so confused....Um yeah to say the least.

He tells me he loves me in every way, he thinks I'm beautiful and the only issue is that he just cannot have sex but that he wants to see a counselor about it all. He tells me he has been feeling this way for a little while but didn't want to tell me in case he wasn't able to work out his issues surrounding sex and intimacy. He doesn't want to put me through it all again.

Our time in Sydney was like old times. We held hands, we hugged, we slept next to each other.

Now what? Well, I am beyond emotionally drained. I feel exhausted. I have no idea what to do or where we go from here.

Bunny is out of her burrow!

Look, yourself and him are the only two people in the world that know the particulars of the physical intimacy side.

I find even amongst close friends and family people just don't talk about it. Unless they've had a few wines and loose lips are feeling brave, but generally speaking most couples keep that side of their relationship to themselves.

The same way it is tempting to explain someones behaviour once they receive a mental health diagnosis, as %100 to do with that condition, it is equally tempting to explain the difficulties you are experiencing together as all being a result of the abuse. He may also have a low sex drive.

As a fellow survivor we are just as a diverse bunch of people as the mental health crew. We all have varying personality's and sex drive. It may not be as simple as just being about the abuse, and your libidos could be incompatible as well as him having lots of inner work to do with the abuse. I had an experience where we were not compatible in that way what so ever and it actually made me feel really really paranoid and my confidence dived to the pits. The nasty thing was that they turned it around on me, to make it sound like I had some sort of problem. The reality is they were embarrassed, and instead of it simply being a compatibility problem they personalised it against me, to detract it away from them, because they were concerned about their image.

I don't know.

Only you guys know what is what.

All I'm saying is that even with therapy, you may still remind unsatisfied.

Of course emotions are running high and you feel sorry for him because he has no support and you feel love feelings also.

One thing is for sure he needs a new therapist! Regardless of if you get back together.

She is terrible!

Just putting it out there.