Dealing with the anger

[BunnyMuffin]

Hi There,
My partner & I were together for almost 10 years. Long story short, we met in London, he then moved to Australia to be with me and I (not we or even him...just me) spent the rest of relationship basically dealing with his immigration status. Working holiday visas, defacto visas and finally citizenship. Our physical relationship ended about 3 years ago due to his emotional issues surrounding his relationship with his mother and abuses he suffered as a child/teenager. I wanted to leave him but didn't feel I could due to the fact that he has no one is this country besides myself and my family. I encouraged him to seek help and he finally saw a counselor. After 3 sessions he came home and told me that his counselor thought he had abandonment issues. My reaction was to tell him that I would never leave him. Right after his very next counselling session a month later, he decided to end the relationship. He wanted to remain friends and he wants to remain a part of my family. He told me that he no longer looks at me "like that" and that he has been getting "urges" which I took to mean sexual urges. He also told me that he and his counselor had formed the conclusion that he may never be able to sustain another long term meaningful relationship due to the abuses he suffered. For the last 3 months I have been OK with that until I saw his profile on Tinder. He has also stopped seeing his counselor because they decided that he "no longer needs help and that he seems fine now he has ended the relationship with me". I feel so much anger towards him, my days are full of rage. I don't love him, I don't want to be in a relationship with him but he remains my best friend. I want him to still be my best friend but I can barely look at him let alone be around him. Yet, I miss him when he is gone. I am carrying around so much anger towards him. I feel like my whole life for the past 10 years has been completely consumed by him and his needs and now I have just been thrown away like I am nothing. I feel like everything he said to me during the breakdown of our relationship was a complete lie and I can longer trust him. When I try to tell him how I feel all he can do is focus on how my words hurt him and he can not see things from my point of view. I just want to feel normal again. I have lost so much weight that people comment on it every single day. I feel like I have no one to talk to and I am on the verge of angry tears all the time.

[Cornstarch]

I find it really refreshing when women admit to feeling anger and rage. Because those emotions come up if you like it or not. Where are we taught to put them?

A decade long relationship is a long time. It's not 10 weeks, 10 months but 10 years. So its not easy to bust up.

But the fact that the physical relationship ended 3 years ago, and yet you are still hanging on, I'm not sure is healthy.

As you've said yourself, you're emotionally isolated, so I guess we retreat to what is familiar and what is known and you probably still worry about him heaps. He's your best mate.

I'm a child abuse survivor myself and although this sounds tough, or too pragmatic for some, the fact is it can become very murky waters with how you best care for him. It's completely natural to want to wrap people up in our bosom, and to be horrified at the atrocities that go on behind closed doors. The sadness of child abuse aches everyone's heart.

But the problem is that learnt helplessness is a tender trap.

Group acknowledgement of our pain is tremendously powerful, but there is a very fine line where it can turn into engraining unhealthy behaviour and ways of relating to self and world.

Cutting cords, even if it's not forever can be the kindest act in the longer term.

You might feel like you are dumping a little lamb out in the fields, and quite frankly I am shocked that the counsellor said he will never have another intimate partnership again. How do they know? Can I borrow the crystal ball? That is huge pressure on you to remain his life line if you recognise it or not.

His life line with no physical intimacy for 3 years, no wonder you are angry. Who wouldn't be!

Good Luck

[BunnyMuffin]

Cornstarch, your response really hit the nail on the head. I don feel like I am dumping a lost little lamb but at the same time I feel betrayed and stabbed in the back, yet relieved to not be in a relationship with him anymore. I feel free. Freedom has been huge for me. I am beyond confused by my own feelings.

You're exactly right about the counselor as well. I think part of my anger arises from the fact that during the course of our breakup he repeatedly stated he didn't feel like he would ever be able to sustain another long term relationship. Then I saw his profile on some dating sites and I just feel betrayed and lied to all over again. He has major issues with sex and intimacy, yet he & his counselor decided he no longer required regualr counseling. I find that to be extremely odd and I feel that if he does manage to enter another relationship then history will repeat itself for him and he will be right back in the same boat, so to speak. I don't know why that bothers me so much because it is his life but it does.

We had a "meeting" last night. I felt I needed to let him know exactly how I feel as the break up has mostly been about him and what he needs while I was just expected to "suck it up". We had a really good chat and I told him that I needed a break from him for awhile. I asked him not to contact me, or visit. And we are not in contact as of today. I feel good about this at the moment but have my weak moments where I feel like the worst person in the world for abandoning him. I continue to cry at the drop of a hat but I know this is all part of the process. Eventually I hope to be able to let go of the hurt and the anger and once again be his best friend but for now I need to heal.

Sigh.....being a grown up is HARD WORK!

[Lightbeam]

Hi Bunnymuffin!

I can totally relate to what you are experiencing, the overwhelming mix of emotions are exhausting!

Similar story, my 7 year relationship (15 year friendship) ended after what I can only describe as a "soap opera" leaving me completely bewildered. My ex also has had some major mental health issues (dysfunctional childhood, a major trauma) of which he continues to ignore the need to be dealt with.

Like you, I feel a sense of relief to be out of the relationship but find myself sometimes feeling so many different emotions within the course of a single day! You have a right to be angry & it sucks when the person who has caused these emotions doesn't validate how you feel. What has been working for me is to not suppress how you are feeling, allow the feelings to come & go, acknowledge that they are there & try not to dwell too much on them. Venting here has been a blessing too!

I still feel a deep love & compassion for my ex. Knowing that he is fighting a dark battle within himself has at times made me feel terribly guilty for the numerous times I have been harsh & ultimately completely severed ties with him. However, his issues do not give him the right to treat me (and many others) poorly.

Cornstarch (bless your wisdom!) is so right about the "learnt helplessness".

Like you, dating is something I couldn't even think of doing right now. Immerse yourself in what you love to do, find new experiences & find peace first within yourself.

Hang in there, it does get better!

Lightbeam xx

ps also a bunny mumma 🐰

[maxation]

Hi.would i be correct in thinking his counselor was female? It seems to me she had alternative interests in your ex. It wouldnt be the first time. I studied psychology.ive met many qualified ones who are realy mixed up. I would check it out. Regards. Snagz

[BunnyMuffin]

Hi Snagz (Maxation)!

Yes, his counselor is a woman and yes, this thought had actually occurred to me. I find it strange that as soon as we broke up, she felt he didn't need counseling anymore despite disclosing childhood abuses to her (some of which he hadn't ever disclosed to anyone). And despite the significant issues he has surround sex and intimacy. I just find it odd that she apparently didn't suggest couples counseling or specialised counseling to deal with his other issues.

Interestingly, when I have told some of my friends about this, they have also had the same reaction regarding the counselor.

At the end of the day, I am glad to be free of the relationship. I just need to work through the anger and disappointment and the overwhelming feeling of betrayal 😕

I just don't know what direction to take myself in. I have a job that I love, with tremendous potential. Yet I just want to up and run away from it all. I want to move away. I feel that he has trapped me here.

[BunnyMuffin]

Thank you, Lightbeam!

Argh the daily crazy emotional roller coaster. I am shocked at the amount of emotional turmoil I feel every single day. Crying at the drop of a hat has completely thrown me, I will literally well up over anything.

I feel better having cut ties with him for a little while. I know eventually it will be better. I wish I knew what I wanted to do with myself because at the moment I just feel lost.

[Cornstarch]

BunnyMuffin,

It has been several hours since you cut the cord. No doubt you are in regional or rural Australia somewhere with tears streaming down your cheeks, maybe on the side of a highway, barefoot, wearing flannel, hair in ya little sister's srunchie, with bits of gravel between your toes, deciding what gluten filled nightmare of slop you will order in tonight, just to be bad.

Welcome to the single life Bunny. Welcome.

Strangers read posts differently to the Muffins that write them. To Corn of Sun and Sea the emotive language really stuck out. You have not 'abandoned' him, you have drawn a line in the sand and said giddy up pal, this ain't on, I have needs and feelings too, I am a Bunny, and I am full of fury today.

To me it comes across as a little bit;

'I wanna have my cake and eat it too'

or

'I don't want to be with you, but I don't want to watch you be with someone else. So I will keep you just.....so, to ensure that my childhood wounds are contained, because I don't feel like going back to the counsellor'.

As tempting as it is somedays to blame someone for my own childhood neglect, abuse and sexual assault, you can't bring others down with you. The counsellor saying that he will never form another intimate partnership was quite bizarre! I read that and went,

Hmmmmm....is Bunny's Boy telling little fibs so she doesn't meet someone else and throws in a bit of a controlling, guilt trip to boot?

I sincerely hope not BunnyMuffin...............

Good luck 🙂

[Cornstarch]

Lightbeam in Lycra I have a confession.

I have my own Busted Brain/ Childhood Stuff to contend with, so I get muddled with what gender/sexuality binary all you kind folk are on, and I think that I may have attempted to pimp my sister out on another thread as well. Sorry.

But you are downward facing right now in a Vipassana Victory of sorts so who cares!

It sounds like you have had many tugs at the heart strings in this situation. Very, very difficult. If only it was as easy as our partners fixing our childhoods for us, would't that be convenient.

'Learnt helplessness' is a tender trap, yes indeed. I'm not wise. I have just had two parents with mental illnesses. If that doesn't teach ya about learnt helplessness I don't know what will.

Good luck Lightbeam.

See ya in the drop zone.

[BunnyMuffin]

Hahaha Cornstarch, your reply made me laugh so loud that I frightened my real bunnies!

I cut the cord last night and today my mum came to visit and we spent the day shopping for things for my new bach pad (which I freaking love by the way). So no scunchies or gravel between toes today 😄

Don't get me wrong, last night was hard. Very hard. But last night I slept better than I have for a long time and today I was able to eat properly for the first time in about 4 months. I feel stronger today. I am looking forward to being away from him.

Having just looked at his counselors profile, I find it interesting that she has listed couples counseling as one of her specialties yet failed to suggest that to him at all. I would think a 10 year relationship would warrant that. It seems he just wanted out of the relationship, I guess. Well, so did I.

I somewhat agree with you in regards to the comment 'I don't want to be with you, but I don't want to watch you be with someone else. So I will keep you just.....so, to ensure that my childhood wounds are contained, because I don't feel like going back to the counselor'. He hasn't dealt with any of his issues, he just ended out relationship and buried the rest again *shrug* I guess not my problem any more but I feel very sorry for the next woman who comes along and as I said to him last night...this will happen again with the next person. That thought frustrates me.

I am going to stop thinking about what he's thinking or what he thought or what he wants. It's time for me.

[Lightbeam]

Hello again Cornstarch!

No offence taken for you trying to pimp your sister to me on my thread! To be honest, I was flattered that you would put me in such regard!

Our childhoods really shape our adulthood. I am sorry to hear that yours was such a challenging environment to grow up in, I think that you are very brave to acknowledge this. Through my own experience of loving someone who has had some childhood issues, I have really put my own parenting skills under the microscope! Raising well adjusted, resilient & happy kids into adults is a HUGE responsibility.

Take care!

Lightbeam xx