Dealing with self obsessed in laws

[Guest_4681]

Hi fellow overthinkers,

Am in a fix , am struggling to deal with my FIL who is extremely selfish and double standard person, he visits and stays with us for a year for last 15 years..up until 2018 my MIL was alive and they both used to stay for a year and them break for abt 6 months then again same thing...since my hubby is only son he has to be there for them. 

My FIL is extremely social and he has no probs reaching out to strangers,  sometimes he calls ppl over wen we are not there...I feel vulnerable around him due to my past experiences with my in laws..they have given me the worst time of my life...thr is no real respect in me for them , it's only coz of my hubby that I put up with him..it's been 19years of marriage but my past still haunts me especially when he stays with us..I get extremely frustrated and keep  winging about everything to my hubby...am a natural giver so it's hard for me to behave against my nature but with him I feel like not doing anything but end up doing more than he deserves..I hv an issue that am a rebel...I cannot take any inappropriate comment or fake emotions..I hv to give bk...i can be  very upfront and blunt if I do not agree with any1...I hv to express my true emotion...I cannot fake it..these days I feel like a loser and helpless..I feel like a problem myself...my hubby ignores his behaviour and move on but I can't...sometimes I feel like giving up on this marriage itself where my hubby only corrects me and ask me either to ignore or being smart in replying...I feel unheard and unsupported..I hv 2 school going girls and I don't want them affected because of my decision...am on antidepressants for last 10 years and not working right now...I support my hubby in every possible way but I barely get any acknowledgement..am sorry guys I may sound very random but my thoughts are all over the place am finding it hard to gather my thoughts and express correctly...not sure wat to do..any suggestions or help will be appreciated..thanks a ton..lots of Love and Light y'all

[therising]

Hi Guest_4681

I so wish I could give you a massive hug and tell you your endurance absolutely amazes me. 19 years of marriage with only 4 of those years completely to yourselves. I can understand why you would have finally reached the tipping point (from tolerance into complete intolerance).

I think seeing the tipping point coming isn't all that obvious at times. You can feel things out of balance for a while (such as with the depressing elements of a situation impacting you) but reaching the point where you want to scream, resembling someone who's lost their mind, can come so gradually that it's almost unnoticeable. And when you start to behave more and more out of character, there's the temptation to say 'What's wrong with me? How have I managed to become this horrible person?'. Personally, I used to ask myself the same thing at times, within my own marriage. Other stuff like 'Why am I so mean?' and 'Why do I have to be so difficult?' and 'Why do I have to be so hard to get along with? Why can't I just be happy like everyone else?' may sound familiar.

One day I woke up to the fact a whole new facet of me was coming to life and it was there to stand up for me. I happily refer to it as 'the intolerant cow' in me 😁. You know how you have that part of you that only when pushed to extremes will yell and cry and tell it how it is. It's that part you can suppress for years and it may explode through the suppression only on the odd occasion. It's kind of like one day it fully comes to life through the tipping point. Born out of years of incredible tolerance, years of people pleasing when you didn't want to please, years of depressing levels of oppression and suppression, it's like 'Happy birthday, intolerant cow. Welcome to the world'. And if you can imagine what it would say, it may sound a little like 'Okay baby, I got your back. Don't you worry about a thing. Now, buckle up!'. It can be a part of you that doesn't just burn bridges, it excitedly takes to them with a flame thrower. It can be brutally honest, to the point of shocking. It can say things that would make the people pleaser in you blush with shame. Often, it is best managed with our inner sage, that may dictate at times 'Be careful in how you burn this bridge. Do it with dignity and self respect and try not to swear like a trooper' 😅.

Whether you choose to call it your 'inner cow', 'inner warrior princess' or something else, sounds like it has a lot to say to your husband and FIL. How you choose to manage that part of you is up to you (have the sage hold the reigns on it or let it completely run wild). One thing I learned through meeting with my inner cow is...when it takes a back seat and the people pleaser in me comes back into play, the people pleaser will apologise for everything said. I've learned to stop doing this. If my inner cow was a person, every time I would apologise it felt like they were rolling their eyes, smacking their forehead in frustration and saying 'You just destroyed every bit of progress I made for you'. There is a heck of a lot my inner cow would like to say to your FIL and husband and I can tell you it would not be pretty.