Emotionally drained - elderly and sick parents

[Edna Average]

Hi all, 

I haven’t posted in a while. I suffered burnout and depression after a really unpleasant work experience up until a year ago. Even though I managed to escape and find a better situation, I feel like I’m still recovering from a traumatic and damaging experience. The new job is quite stressful but in a better way I guess but I’m still dealing with the fallout and it has severely impacted my physical health and emotional wellbeing. Trying so hard to develop and maintain healthier coping mechanisms, but can’t stick to regular exercise routines and my nutrition is very erratic.

The thing is that now I’m coping with a very ill and elderly father and my mother not coping well either. I’m extremely close to both of them and in fact, my counsellor has previously identified enmeshment. I call my mother every night to check in, as they live over two hours away. I also see them every week or two when they’re in my city for medical appointments. Most nights I hang up from our calls feeling incredibly drained after hearing all the problems with her, my father and my older sibling. It has always been negative but is worse than ever. I also find myself offloading my problems with her and feeling terrible for it, but it’s as the old saying goes ‘misery loves company’. Lately I’ve been dreading the calls and sometimes skipping them to preserve the little energy I have left after a stressful work week. Some nights I can barely cook for myself and go to bed exhausted and scroll on my phone to zone out until I fall asleep.

Tonight I snapped at my mother after she repeated a negative story in the same conversation. I just couldn’t deal with it after experiencing chronic pain (headaches) and work stress for the last two weeks. She got upset and hung up, which made me feel more guilty. I know if I call to apologise she’ll either ignore the phone or give me the cold treatment…

It’s hard because I live alone and don’t have a strong support network, so I internalise everything and it’s making me really sick and I’ve put on over 15kgs through emotional eating😩. I’m booked to see a new counsellor next week to discuss coping mechanisms, but wondered if anyone has advice based on their experience? I want to distance myself but they need me more than ever. However, I feel like I need support too! Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome back?

I can see from your post that you have a big heart and care deeply for your parents.

But you also need to prioritize your own wellbeing. I am saying this from personal experience. And I think you would know when you are running on empty, or nearly empty, that you might not be as helpful as you want. That does not sound right but I hope you know what I mean.

And if you wanted to set boundaries with loved ones ... it can be difficult. Maybe you could try limiting calls to 2-3 times per week and keeping them short, politely ending when you feel drained. Schedule your own self-care like exercise, healthy meals, etc around those times so you stay energized. Know that taking space to recharge doesn't mean you love them any less.

Gently open up to your mom about your limits, perhaps writing a letter if easier than talking. Suggest other local family or neighbors who could help share the support for your dad’s care? I hope you don't mind me throwing out ideas ... this are things that have been done for my dad - he has parkinsons and dementia.

What sort of things do you enjoy?

Find social outlets like support groups to build your own community and maybe people that you share with.

This balancing act isn’t easy, but with self-compassion, enforced boundaries, and asking for help you can sustainably care for them while also nourishing your spirit. You deserve it.

[tranzcrybe]

Mother has a lot on her plate, and father's care needs might be exceeding her capacity (and your patience)
Do you feel his needs (and her demands) might be better served in respite care to give time to regroup and plan for the future?
This will be a conversation worth having, possibly accompanying them to the appointments to ascertain the facts.
Resolving mother's distress should flow on to your own peace of mind although it might take a bit of effort to put the necessary measures in place.
If you are calling daily, perhaps doing so after a good dinner and a brew to settle you down. Also, have some game plan - pointers for how you will direct the conversation with subject changers or, if feeling trapped, some interrupting door bell to drag you away... sorry, I gotta go, someone's at the door!
I think you realise the distracting scrolling on phone is not a relaxing pursuit - if you can, try a hot bath to contemplate and reflect on the trials of the day, ideally before going to bed for a deeper night's sleep.