Confrontational Vs Non Confrontational

[Mark h]

Hi Beyond Blue community

I hope you are all keeping well today.

I am just writing with regards to my current situation right now in the hope that some of you have gone through or am going through a similar situation.

Eighteen months ago, I met an amazing lady who is now a big part of my life. After being separated from my ex partner for 16 months, I met this person by chance and obviously was and am extremely happy to be in a loving, secure relationship once again.

My personality type is one that is placid. I am a non confrontational person but I am happy to own up to anything I have done wrong of course. I go forward in life laughing and being very positive even when things are bleak and not ideal. I prefer to be a glass half full personality I guess and look at things that bring joy to my day even if those things are quite simple such as walking the dogs or enjoying cooking something for us all. My partner has so many amazing qualities and she is caring beyond words however there are times (monthly) where things become irrational and the confronting arguments become for em, too much to cope with. As I am sensitive, I guess I take everything to heart but this week, there was a huge argument where I was shouted at and told that I was thinking things I simply wasn't. An example is that my partner has an amazing dog that now lives with us who does have a bit of a barking problem but nothing that upsets me at all. I do tell her to be quiet when she barks as I also work from home and this was taken by my partner as an attack to the point where I was told that "You don't like my dog being so annoying, you don't like me dog at all". This leads to me trying to calm the situation and putting my point forward but then it escalates and I end up with what I would class as emotional abuse. It's not something that I can live with, I am a punching bag for her and she has openly admitted that she does have a temper and can be quite negative and opinionated. this week I told her that I couldn't handle this anymore, it's too hard to deal with especially when I am doing nothing wrong at all. It feels like an attack or even something that makes me feel extremely unsafe, not in a physical way at all but emotionally for sure. 

This person has moved into my home and is adapting to massive change which I am so grateful for of course. She has been living with me now for 4 months but she's finding it hard. What do I do? I need help and advice.

[Croix]

Dear Mark h~

Welcome back to  the Forum, I hope it has helped in the past.

It looks as if you and your new love have very different ways of handling the sort of problems that crop up in daily life. You are quieter and she gets angry and abusive.  It would not be good for either of you if things remained that way.

In fairness you may be sensitive, not surprising with an anxiety state, and she may feel guilty or inadequate not having been able to form a good relationship with your children. Plus if she has moved into your house that is a big thing in itself.

May I suggest that you start off by getting some couples counceling to learn how to deal with differences. Often it is a matter of being prepared in advance. For instance my partner and I have a deal, we never ever say anything to deliberately hurt, and never say anything htat can't be taken back.

It seem to work well, though did take a fair bit of self control at the start. If you do think counseling is worth a go I can recommend Relationships Australia (1300 364 277), provided they have a setup near you.

Perhaps this might be something to discuss wiht your love in a quiet moment?

Croix