Dealing with being ghosted

[Clover9312]

I’ve been doing a lot of self work since 2020, consistently going to therapy etc, but some days I feel like I’m failing. I felt that I was finally ready to start dating again. But online dating has just sucked.

I’m very social and always out. It’s harder than people think to meet new people in person.

I went on a date last weekend that I thought went well. I felt really at ease and I even felt myself breaking away from some patterns. He asked if he could kiss me at the end of the night.

We were texting after and he initiated the first message and said it was so nice to meet me. He then disappeared. He got in contact a day later and apologised, saying that the friend he was with the night before our date had tested positive to covid. He said that he had been having heavy symptoms and was waiting for a PCR result. He was worried that he passed it to me, because he knows that I have a big event that I’m looking forward to this week.

He tested negative but kept telling me that he felt crook and stopped replying.

I haven’t heard from him since last Thursday. I have logged onto the app again to see that he has updated his profile. He definitely updated it after Thursday, as I am ashamed to say that I checked a couple of times. That stung. I’m aware that we are not exclusive after one date and can still be seeing other people. But he just dropped contact. He had kissed me at the end of the date and even added me on Instagram. Why do guys do this?

People say ghosting happens to everyone. I thought all of my self work would help me deal with this, but I’m feeling so horrible.

I also hate the expression “he’s just not that into you”. It puts so many heavy feelings onto someone and doesn’t even address any level of accountability from the other person.

He said he wanted to go out again and It was implied that he was too sick and would be in touch when better. I’m sorry, but it feels a little garbage to me.

[Guest_7403]

You'll find it's very common, even after a date and a kiss etc.

Unfortunately online dating has made people very shallow, as it's all too easy to keep swiping and messaging others.

Don't look at it as if you're not good enough, it's a character flaw in that individual....nothing more.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Clover9312,

Ghosting is cowardly behaviour, and I am ashamed to admit that I have ghosted people when I was dating. So I feel uniquely placed to perhaps give you some insight into the behaviour. Firstly, I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, which means that I developed some trauma as a result of my mother, who was very volatile. Basically, every child has a need to have a parent who is a safe space, someone they can go to when upset, hurt or sick and be consoled. Whereas my response was much more unpredictable, sometimes it would be a safe space and other times quite the opposite, you never knew what you were going to get so you went back each time hoping for the carrot but oftentimes it was the stick. So you grow up craving intimacy but at the same time being intensely fearful of it. Throw in a few bad relationships where the pattern was repeated and you have a crippling fear of getting close to people, while still dreaming you can find that one person who breaks through. So I entered each situation hoping it would be different, and that I would find the person who breaks through, but more often than not the anxiety in me increased to such unbearable levels that I ghosted them. I couldn’t really explain all of that to a stranger so I just disappeared. I reasoned to myself that it was kinder this way, they barely knew me and weren’t too attached. I also had a few times when I didn’t feel the spark and explained that to people and they wanted to argue with me about it, so I rationalized that it was just easier this way. But I didn’t take into consideration that people are pretty vulnerable when they put themselves out there and it can feel like a rejection, even though it honestly had nothing to do with them. There was one guy who I even really liked and kissed and was attracted to. But the thought of having to invariably get close to someone was too much. I would say that most people who ghost have some level of avoidance in their attachment style. Like most things, it is honestly more of a reflection of them than it is of you. Someone rarely just ghosts one person, it is a pattern of behaviour over time. The feeling of intimacy and the kiss is likely what has triggered him. 

[Clover9312]

Thank you for the insights, it’s been really helpful. I especially find anything relating to attachment styles interesting. My ex boyfriend had an avoidant style and I was grateful when he opened up to me about his past and why he showed up in the relationship in certain ways. Attachment styles are helpful to know about, as it makes you less inclined to “demonise” the other person if you feel like they’re not meeting your needs. I found out all of that stuff about my ex quite a while into knowing him. At the end of the day with this other person - I don’t know them well enough after one date. 

The new guy definitely knew that there was no chance of us catching up again before the end of this week (if there were to be a second date), because I’ve been isolating before a big event I have Friday. So I probably also gave him a vibe of not being invested enough maybe. 
I’ve managed to do some mindfulness meditation and that helped soothe me a bit last night. I did have really vivid, awful dreams though. I would consider that a part of my anxiety.

I’ll be chatting to my therapist in the next couple of hours too, so that’ll hopefully assist me more.

[Clover9312]

I have an update. He got in touch today and actually sent through a message to me saying that he’s been having some thought. He said he thought I was fantastic and interesting, but didn’t feel a spark.

I admire his honesty and I’m grateful he eventually got in touch. It definitely stings though when I for the first time in a while felt like I was at ease on a date and got a good feeling.

I know I shouldn’t take it as a personal rejection, but it just makes me feel like I wasn’t good enough. He said he’s looking for something quite specific. I feel like I’m lacking in something since he said that.

The message unfortunately came through after my counselling session. I’ll have to wait until next week to unpack this with her. 

[ecomama]

Hi Clover9312, 

It's okay to unpack here until your next therapy session. It could be great self-reflection to note your feelings, even if no one here is giving you feedback that you feel is helping. 

I'm old lol... been around the block lots. 

You can decide how you see all of this interaction when dating.
"He" gave you feedback after a while of ghosting, not sure if his text settled you or made you more unsettled?
That's not really my point.
My point is.... why would you take a person's opinion of you to heart or seriously when they don't even know you? 

If this guy is "looking for something specific" in a partner and you don't fit those specifications (crikeys like a car?) then hallelujah you and he didn't just press on and try to make things "fit". 
It doesn't matter what his specifications are whatsoever. 
EG if he wanted a green eyed girl, would it make it better if you got green eyed contact lenses? 
No. Because you would be trying to FIT "his" sense of what he wanted, not being YOURSELF and therefore faking it. He is merely one person in a sea of literally millions. His opinion of you doesn't count. 

We could go on with hair colour, height, weight blah blah... 

People can't keep these kinds of (fake) pretences up! Certainly not for a long relationship OR a meaningful one with true intimacy (and I'm not talking about sex but connection) and not for a happy one. 

Being authentically you, as polished as you choose to be, working on any and all self improvements you set your sights on, enjoying your relationships in your close circles, achieving the career you would love, the housing, car, pets... whatever it is that you can do in your own life that brings a deep sense of fulfilment... 
makes you a comfortable person to be around. You don't need another person to achieve any of these things, in fact my opinion is that you will achieve the person matched closely to you when you're on this journey. 
I think I just described "The Wheel of Wellness", you can Google it if you like. 

Hope that makes some sense? 

Love EM

[Clover9312]

Hi EM, 

I appreciate that he got in touch and was honest with me, but it also stings. The wording of him wanting to go after something more specific has got my mind wandering so much. Back in the dating scene this year, I have tried to ask myself "what about ME? Do I like this person?" Instead of blaming myself all the time if something doesn't progress. It's been really helpful. It kind of sucked in this situation though, because I did really like this guy and didn't pick up on many red/yellow flags.

However, I will say that I was really caught off guard at the end of the date when he kissed me. It happened really really fast and I didn't expect it. So it was an awkward kiss, I'll admit that. It worries me so much that this was the moment he realised that we had no spark. 

From my perspective, I believe the kiss had no spark too, but I wondered if it was because I was so caught off guard by it. I believe that kisses can become so much better as intimacy deepens, so I tried not to worry about the awkward kiss...until now. He did ask permission because "he had wanted to kiss me inside the bar but couldn't", and the time between him asking and him kissing me just happened so fast, I don't even remember if I said yes to be honest. I kind of froze. So it's helpful to remember that from my perspective, getting kissed so fast without knowing someone just wasn't great for me. 

In this situation, what I need to remember is that this person met me once. They didn't even get a full picture, only a glimpse of me. I'm really proud of how I conducted myself throughout the date. I don't really have any regrets. I was authentic and I didn't feel like I was "performing" in any way. I know I can approach chatting to a future date with more confidence. Plenty of fish in the sea as you say!

[Juliet_84]

Hi Clover9312,

I’m so glad that he did eventually get back to you but understand how that comment must have hurt. I think a lot of us have that idea of how they want their relationship to be or the type of person they want, and some are very specific and unwilling to budge. Whereas some of us are much more flexible and don’t really have a type and assess each person as they meet them. If anything he probably is just shutting down a lot of

potential matches but he may come to realise that later himself. It can be hard not to become demoralized, particularly when you felt that you both had a good connection and you felt at ease, but the reality is that most of the people you date will be wrong in some way shape or form. You just have to keep going from failure to failure without losing hope and trust that the right person will come along. And when they do, you’ll be grateful it didn’t work out with any of the others. Sounds corny but it’s so true 

[Petal22]

Hi Clover 9312,

Please know that what this man did is a total reflection of himself and it has nothing to do with yourself as a person.

Please don't question yourself.

Tell yourself positive things about yourself always, love yourself first all of yourself and the rest will follow.

What's meant for you wont pass you by.