Is going on porn sites and paying women to perform for you, cheating?

[Alison_M]

My husband and I were married 10 year's when I opened the drawer in our ensuites vanity unit to find a used comdom on top of a porn magazine. When I approached him, he said it was my fault as I no longer looked as good as I once did. We argued about it and talked tried again but slowly he stopped wanting sex with me. Then just a couple of days before my 53rd birthday and 6 months after our 20 year anniversary (which he refused to be sexually intimate), a message came into our email address for an interactive porn website. When I asked him about it he just said yeah so what! I then looked into it more and found out he'd been paying over 60 different 18 to 20 year Olds to perform sexual acts for him.  He even done it on our 20 year wedding anniversary and my birthday, as he'd been paying them for over 18 months. He said well you don't look anything like you did when we meet, you're to fat to love now! I need a new hip, have 3 pinched nerves in my back, plus over 6 damaged disc's, arthritis in every joint but I have never said no to intimacy.  Due to all my injuries I have put weight on but I'm not obese or anything, I am obviously over 20 years older but he has put on slot of weight, as he broke his back 4 months after we were married so I had to be his nurse for year's.

Can anyone give me some advice, as I really don't know what to do! Some say there's nothing wrong with what his done as it's not cheating. Also it worries me as they are all over 35 years younger than him.
 

[Sophie_M]

Dear Alison M
 
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums we are so glad that you have made you way here and had the bravery to post. We want you to know that this is a safe space to discuss your thoughts, feelings and experiences and receive honest responses and suggestions from fellow forum users.
 
We are sorry you are experiencing this betrayal within your relationship.  We imagine, to discover your husband has been behaving in this way leaves you feeling confused; you hold on to the picture of him being your life partner, growing old together in monogamy but instead he is enjoying the convenience and self-serving act of solo-sex in pornography.  If your husband is engrossed in pornography, you have every right to feel like this is cheating, he is effectively defrauding you of something that should be your exclusive domain, a commitment he made when he married you.  This is made worse by the fact he is using you, your body image and physical health as a way to deflect the responsibility of what he is doing and this is not ok, you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, always.
 
Please know that in addition to the forums, we are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat if you need to talk about this.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
We’re sure to hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards
 
Sophie M
 

[geoff]

Hello Alison, this would be disturbing to find out that your husband has been doing this, and everyone you speak to will have a different opinion, females will agree with you, while some males won't find doing this to be harmful, but the only reason it is being done is because of money.

We all age and we can't escape this, plus we change and don't have the physic we used to have, never the less, it's a dream that only money can pretend that his is in his 20's again, which is far from the truth.

If the reverse were to happen, then he would regard this as cheating, and if so, then it has to be regarded the same.

If you are able to have more control over the money, then it might change for the better.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Alison_M]

He wasn't just paying to watch them, he was paying them to pleasure them both together! 

[Matchy69]

Hi Alison_M I found what your husband said to you unacceptable calling you to fat to love and he sees nothing wrong with what he is doing.He is totally wrong with what he is doing and the way he is treating you is unacceptable.You deserve better then this.You must stand up for yourself and not be treated this way.

[ecomama]

Hi Alison_M, welcome to the forums. 

Ofcourse it's cheating. He knows it is. 

The used condom (and mags) 10y IN to the marriage was a red flag or 2. 
I echo Matchy in saying H is being disrespectful to you in words, I'll add also in actions. 

I wouldn't worry about the girls getting pleasure at all with H... it's WORK. So stereotypical. I'd like to mention what I REALLY think but Moderators would sanction me lol. 

It's a difficult situation.
You can divorce him. 
You can stay for a while, spending exactly what he spends on his extra marital activities on yourself or a Family Lawyer. 

You can stay and put up with it. 

I strongly doubt he'll ever change. Leopards and spots. 

I feel for you. 
EM

[geoff]

Hello Alison, if this was happening then I would definitely regard this as cheating on you, I'm really sorry it's been happening.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Petal22]

Hi Alison M,

Im so sorry to hear this.

This is very disrespectful to you and it’s really not on.

How horrible that you husband said those horrible things to you.

Im sure he has changed a lot aswell since you first met.

This is not your fault your husband is doing this.

What your husband has said to you is totally a reflection of himself and the person he is.

Your husband sounds as though he doesn’t realise and appreciate what he has always had in front of him already….. you a beautiful person.

You deserve so much better don’t settle for this disrespect.

[Alison_M]

I'd like to thank everyone for their support. I don't know how to word it so the moderators don't change my words. But the site's he used are interactive, you pay to activate their toys! And all still teenagers.

[Petal22]

Trust your gut instinct.