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dealing with an unmedicated bipolar spouse

changeisneeded
Community Member

Hi All

I'm new here and would like some advice on how to deal with my partner of 30 years with bipolar.

I have BPD but I'm currently on anxiety medication and quite happy to see a therapist again but he wont let me, he's an extremely private person and because he has been abusive to me I feel he doesnt want that brought up but he says that therapy only feeds the BPD mind and its no good for me - thats another issue.

Currently I have an issue where I hit rock bottom, having dramas at home and work. I have no family (disowned them due to childhood abuse) and have found my way out of the darkness and then it starts again. I cant say exactly what was said if he knew I was posting - well he wouldnt be happy about that! Basically things have been good ok for a few weeks and yesterday I stuffed up. I brought up something that he has told me prior not to as it triggers him so I realise it was my fault there. I dont know why I brought it up was just an automatic thing. I apologised as soon as I did it but it just made things worse. Now he is constantly putting words in my mouth saying by what I said means that I hate him etc and I never compliment him on his looks (which is true) and only bring negative things to his attention about him. So now I'm getting a rant of how ugly I am, how fat I am, I must be the fattest person around, anything cutting and cruel he can say. I am handling it better than I used to due to increase in meds probably but I'm worried about going home tonight after work. As I left this morning he was just yelling vile and hurtful things to me - I dont respond at all which is really hard for me with BPD. Sometimes that works for me and sometimes its like he will keep going until he pushes me beyond my limit and I crack and then he will have go off about that. Its like he needs to get it out of his system and I dont know if this is coincidence but it happens monthly. Often I think "wow" is it a full moon and no its always half and it happens at this time every month just about. I dont know if its me as he blames everything on my BPD since I was diagnosed and his issues have faded into the distance and when I do bring them us he gets extremely angry and abusive so I dont bring it up anymore for my own safety basically. I know you will probably say I should leave but I do know that my issues have caused some of this but not all of it.

How do you handle someone who is in a rage and doesnt let me walk out the room to calm down?

11 Replies 11

Hi changeisneeded. Unfortunately, this pattern of behaviour will not stop until you stop it either by leaving or asking him to leave. The BPD you have is no-one's fault, it is a mental health condition and you need help as does your hubby. The longer it continues the worse it will become. I was in a similar situation with my previous hubby and I had to make the same decision too. I had help with finances through services available at the time in N.Z., some friends helped me move. I went to some 2nd hand shops and got enough furniture to get me started. He has since passed. The police were not summoned, I was abused, put down, insulted in front of my friends who told him to 'shut up. The abuse lasted for the time it took to move. I eventually left N.Z as his drug fueled sons caused me some angst. My now marriage has failed through outside interference, I have also left him. No, I don't self blame there either. Wrong choices through lack of decent male role models in my life. C'link will help with financial support where necessary. they will also assist with budget advice. You needn't deal with this alone.

Lynda

Thanks Pipsy

I dont have family I can turn to and I dont have any friends so totally alone, work doesnt know and I dont want them to.

I agree with everything you say and I think I know down deep inside that I have to do this one day but right now I dont have the strength mentally. I too probably have the same issue with men as I have had no male role models and the one I had was a drunk. I guess the main problem with me is I know some if his issues are because of what he has endured with me so I feel I'm just as much to blame for this as he is but I also know it cant keep going on like this. One thing though I actually think his responses have got more controlled he was worse before.

To be honest I like the idea of being alone, I 'm so sick of people and doctors and how they treat you with BPD believing all the crap that's out there. I have never had the opportunity to "find myself" I went straight from home to my partner and never lived by myself. In one way it really scares me but in another I think it would be good for me.

Thanks again its appreciated! 🙂