Marriage issues in first year of marriage what do I do?

[Sue78]

We have been together for over 3 years...2.5 years of absolute bliss later we got married in January this year. In April problems started from what seemed like a very harmless argument. It got to a point where he started to backchat about me with his friends, yell at me to get out of the house during arguments and abandoning me when I'd get ill. I started getting anxiety attacks and while he was supportive then..he also started relating it to complete madness since my father has BPD. His mother kept inviting him but left me out. His father tried to be supportive but he was told off. My mother lives overseas and she tried to reason with him he would not listen. He started taking advise from 3 very toxic women and one of them kept egging him to divorce me. The other called me a 'bat shit crazy jealous woman'. And the 3rd told him not to have kids with me cos they would turn out 'just like' me. He lapped these things up. Where I was his best friend and confidante, I became the butt of all jokes. Since my efforts to chat were not working, we started counselling. It kind of worked. We went to our honeymoon in June and once we got back we seemed to get back to normalcy finally. A couple of months were fine. Then troubles started again. This past 1.5 months he has pulled out of interstate weddings and other social plans. He stays out really late...working 7 days on his business and refuses to find any..and I mean any...time for me. He openly now talks ill of me. His mother has openly said she wants me gone. He refuses to go to counselling now. He is a stranger and I don't know what to do. I have now been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. I have just started a course of anti depressants. I am wondering if anyone has anything that would help me make sense of this situation. I have pushed his buttons too....but while I am objective re advise I receive, he is too influenced by his controlling passive aggressive mother and toxic, dysfunctional friends. I feel locked out....I just want the man I knew to return. He has acknowledged that his stress levels are a 9/10 and his anxiety is through the roof. What can I do? Is there any hope?

[white knight]

Hi Sue,

Its difficult to make sense of a situation when we get only one side of the story.

However I can say if I was under so much pressure I'm afraid I'd leave for at least enough time for things to settle and give your husband time to find the time to spend with you.

Youll soon know if he wants the marriage to work.

Sometimes things are out of our control. We must make the best of our lives at the time.

Tony WK

[pipsy]

Hi Sue 78. The main catalyst against you appears to be MIL who (from the sounds of it) was against the union from the start. Where did his mother invite him to, was it a meal or a family gathering? His father obviously tries to be supportive but was shut down - fast. Did you get on with your MIL and FIL before you married? It doesn't seem as though your hubby is going to be a suitable 'marriage partner' as he appears to be listening to all these other people (including his mother) who keep telling him to 'dump you'. You've been together over 3 years, married not long after you got together, by the sounds of things. I think perhaps it might be an idea to ask hubby whether he wants to continue or part. His answer might not be what you want, but continuing isn't helping. If he wishes to continue, I'd be inclined to be honest about how I feel about the constant put downs, his mother telling him 'you're not welcome' etc. When we marry or enter a relationship, we make a commitment to each other. The commitment is supposed to ensure we care for our partner/spouse. They have to come first, outsiders are entitled to their 'say' but you and your partner should be first. Even parents should not enter the equation. Your hubby has not kept his commitment, therefore you need to clarify where you stand and reach an understanding. Don't be put off by being told you're 'overreacting', or 'you're being stupid' etc. Telling him he wouldn't like being put down is not worth the effort or argument. My marriage ended after 25 years due to outside interference. Don't just expect things to change.

Lynda

[Sue78]

Thanks for reading & answering.I used to get along very well with her.But at our engagement last year she apparently went around telling guests 'it won't last'.My husband's friends told us this 2 weeks ago.The occasion where she said I could not come was a dinner with family friends.I was having an anxiety attack & he left me with a friend of mine.He did not even check in on me.My friend said 'if my mum said I could not bring my wife I would tell her I am not coming either'.Even after all this I patched up with her by asking her to breaky only because it meant a lot to him.She told me I could confide in her any time.I took her up on that offer 2 months back when he had misbehaved.She responded well but then in 2 weeks time sent me an attached letter via email asking me when I was moving out etc.It was horrible.She had never communicated with me & then this.I was angry & blasted her.I shouldn't have done that cos now she's playing the victim.My husband backs her & does not even see that she instigated my anger.I was still happy to let some time pass & then speak to her but then she demanded that we sign empty lease papers for 2 months lease & pay a bond.I've been here for 2.5 years.He for longer.We have never missed rent or bills & looked after the place.I refused after consulting with Legal Aid, Consumer Affairs & a lawyer.She kept harassing him and he'd take it out on me.She threatened VCAT action.At our last joint counselling we told the counsellor.She said 'am sorry but this doesn't make sense & doesn't seem in your best interest' to my husband.Since then I haven't heard a peep about it for a month now.However, that hasn't improved things between us.Since I've backed right out there have been 3 small arguments.Yet he hasn't spent any time with me & shows no empathy.Cos of my mental state I got an underperformance letter from my work last Friday.I told him.He hasn't once asked me what happened.Yet I hear about his work all the time & try to help him.I understand he's very stressed & anxious but how can we reconnect & be normal if he keeps ignoring,neglecting & abandoning me?He shows glimpses of the old person.I've pushed his buttons.Silly things like hiding his phone,changing the password on the computer.I've stopped doing these silly things for over a month.When will he come around?When we were at our honeymoon the change was palpable cos his mother & toxic friends were not able to reach him that frequently. He was back to being the old man.

[Sue78]

Thanks so much for reading my post and answering. I have no support here.My family is overseas and I miss having that go to place when I want time out. Mind you he can then go to his parents place which is close but he keeps telling me to get out which has kind of stopped cos I have steered clear of arguments in the past month and cos I brought it up at our last counselling session. I have 2 properties - one interstate. Both tenanted and I cannot dislodge the tenants. I can rent a place but how many times am I going to move? People keep telling me to take time out and give him space-where will I go? In the past I had told him 'you need the space you can go somewhere' but no....

[pipsy]

Hi Sue78. Sorry to say this, but you seem to be dealing with a narcissistic MIL. That's the only word to describe the behaviour. She will do anything to break you because, quite simply, you married her son, how dare you? I had exactly the same situation with my toxic in-laws. I had to contend with MIL and FIL. I too was completely reliant on my ex for everything. He was working, I wasn't. I too suffered acute depression. My ex would happily toddle off to m/d and leave me for hours. I too was 'ordered' to distance myself as I too wasn't welcome. I would beg practically on bended knee for him to stay home. Last year after 25 years, I could take no more. I approached C'link for help. They were incredible. I found somewhere to live, C'link assisted me with the bond, placed me on Newstart. Through the never-ending support and encouragement here, I found the courage to rebuild. I am 65 and even though I live alone, I'm happier than ever because I'm free of the toxicity that surrounded me. I have been in my unit for 12 months, just renewed the contract. I have a job which I love. You can do it, it's scary yes, but it can be done.

Lynda

[Sue78]

Dear Lynda thanks once more for taking time to read & respond to my post. How did you take 25 years of this? Was he always like this to you? Did you have any kids together? Have you ever asked him why he behaved like he did? If so what did he say? what work did he do that kept him so busy?

i have a very strong career background & am earning more than double what my husband is. I have my own place in Melbourne too but it is tenanted. Except for my 2 mortgages am financially sound. Of course due to the current mental state I have had problems focusing at work - while I have missed no deadlines & have tried very hard my boss has not been supportive. Now they want to performance manage me. I have received awards & accolades for my work in my past roles - I have been here for a bit over a year & for the bulk of the year I have been bullied. HR finally stepped in & put a stop to that. But I think since my boss was put under the spotlight for his inability to manage the two bullying me, now he is taking it out on me through performance management. My husband blames me for the mistakes he has been making in his business - I told him the other day that I blame him for this situation at my work. He does not care at all about me - just the opposite of what he used to be. He used to be very supportive. He has not once asked me what happened last week though I had told him of the underperformance letter & told him how traumatised I was. In spite of me pointing out his lack of empathy he still has not asked me for details while I listen to his work problems all the time.

[pipsy]

Hi Sue. You asked how I endured 25 years. The short answer: 'rose-coloured glasses'. I kept believing everything would be better if I????? I believed everything was my fault. When his parents arrived from N.Z permanently I tried to be what they wanted. The 'perfect' DIL, everything MIL told me I believed. My FIL wrote the book on chauvinism, boy I scored big time with my in-laws. I was so desperate to belong I would've jumped through burning hoops. My ex was a prison officer, who eventually became a supervisor. I supported him totally, completely. About 4 years ago, after I simply gave up, I decided to end my life. Yes, I have 2 kids, grown - up (not his, fortunately). My kids knew nothing until I attempted. they suspected, but weren't sure and I said little. Even then hubby ignored and still continued being his parents 'little boy'. Through the support here, I found the courage to end the farce of my marriage. I never felt a 'connection' to my ex, we never shared anything. I had to ask for money, then explain why I needed it. Basically I was an emotionally battered wife. Since leaving him a year ago soon after our 25th anniversary, I have completely re-built my life. I even served on jury duty. It took time, hours of counseling here, being constantly told I was not to blame. Yes, I repeatedly asked him what I had done wrong, all I was ever told was: 'stop being stupid', 'stop overreacting to everything'. The best one was: 'don't take everything so personally?'. If someone is constantly abusing you and deriding you, how are you not supposed to take it personally? He did hit me once, prior to marriage, I blamed myself. I know now he should've walked away, but I decided it was me that angered him, therefore I had to change. I even have a job, which is something I couldn't have achieved before due to lack of confidence. He never loved me, he is not capable of loving anyone. That is not his fault entirely, he is a product of over indulging parents who believe their children can do no wrong. His parents actually used to tell him how perfect he was. How does anyone compete with that?

Lynda