Daughter in law problem

Tweedle · ‎05-02-2017

I am so upset. My son met his wife six years ago. In that time he has worked non-stop to provide a home for her, six days a week, earning over $2000 a week. They moved in together about three years ago, and he already owned two homes. He then almost single handedly renovated the home she shared with her mother so they could get more for it. She couldn’t have children, so they did many rounds of IVF which failed. Her friend offered to be a surrogate and this worked. My son was the father, using the surrogate's eggs. He married her before the baby was born, and the baby is now legally theirs and is nine months old. After years of me loving her, welcoming her and trusting her, immediately after the birth she started phoning me to say my son was being mean to her, and emotionally abusive. I supported her, and talked to him, in case she was right. I didn’t think she was right but couldn’t take the chance. After months of her ringing me and asking me to go there, with plenty of tears, which I did to support her, she has now taken the baby to live with her mother, who has encouraged her to leave. She has painted a picture of my son to everyone that is really not correct. Several of us now believe the whole thing might have been a strategy to get her a baby before it is too late (she is 47) and my son was used because he was available. I am shattered to think she could do this and my son is nonplussed because he has tried so hard, but she has spent a fortune on top level baby gear, a new car etc and he now has a half renovated house, a mortgage, and she will probably get the baby, who my son adores, and half of what he has left. I am so hurt by her actions because I did investigate my son based on her story, to make sure he was doing the right thing. I know he is not perfect, but I know he is not, as she is saying, mentally abusive. He is normally a friendly outgoing guy, but is fairly shattered and quiet now. I am scared for him, and for us, because we love the baby and don't trust his mother any more, which is earth shattering for me. So many other things have become clear, and I have trouble believing it all, as we were all so genuine. Where on earth do I go from here?

Quiettall · ‎05-02-2017

Hi Tweedle...wow...what a disaster for you and your son. I feel for you both. I had a messy divorce years ago and lost everything, including my 2 children whom I loved and spent lots of time with. That was over 25 years ago, and I still struggle to get any meaningful relationship with my children even though they have now grown up and in their later 20's/early 30's.

Can I suggest you and your soon need to get some family law advice as soon as possible. In doing so, you also need to consider whether the legal adviser can suggest a good counsellor experienced in these issues, that can give you both some support and guidance. You both sound to have had a raw deal, and it would be easy to get bitter and twisted, and for your son to lose total confidence in himself and his ability to ever meet someone else and build a mutually rewarding relationship.

However, I can attest that although I had a hell of 2 years with my divorce proceedings, I have come through with the support of some of my family, and have grown to love again, and hold a positive outlook on life.

Let us know how you go and feel free to continue posting here on your progress or if you need support on related issues

white knight · ‎05-02-2017

Hi tweedle, welcome

You would appeciate there are two sides to every story?. And that what goes on behind closed doors is known only by the two behind it.

It is normal for you to side with your son but it is beyond that now, it is more important to look at strategies to save whatever he can to secure visiting rights to his child and as you are the childs grandmother for you to be the peacemaker for that relationship and for your own benefit and that of the childs.

Your judgement on the relationship should not be expanded any further. Couples do split, people interfere. Thats life. Be a grandmother, aim for that. Aim for a good communication level with your daughter in law and her mother. Such "friendship" should not mean you betray your son.

Advocate to them your love for your grandchild and leave the parents marriage to them, regardless of future property divide and other issues they face ...including any injustice you might feel.

Tony WK

Tweedle · ‎06-02-2017

I really do like both my daughter in law and her mum, Tony. I think that is why I was shattered when someone said they thought this was all a ploy. I do hope they can find their way back to each other. If they do, I would really welcome it, and I still love her, as you do with even an adult child. You may not like what they do, but you don't stop loving them just the same. That's why I am so hurt by it all.

Tweedle · ‎06-02-2017

I have encouraged him to go to couples counselling with her in the hope they can work it out. I have never once gone there unless she has phoned asking me to, and I would prefer to stay out of it while they make the effort. I want so much to believe we are wrong, and this is what I originally thought, a bump in the road. But I am shedding many tears over it all.

white knight · ‎14-02-2017

Hi tweedle

Sorry I've been preoccupied.

I dont think there is anything further l can comment on. Life sometimes includes such tragic circumstances. I hope you can withdraw for a while and try again

Tony WK

Cat_inapastlife · ‎20-02-2017

Hi Tweedle,

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this difficult time, and I hope there is some clear sky soon ahead.

Although I sense that you may not like this, my advice is much the same as Tony's. I suggest you read his advice very carefully, and understand what is being said there.

As a daughter in law myself, I must stress that it is not your place to be making judgement on the relationship, that is, who is right and who is wrong. Most likely, there is no right and wrong person and unfortunately this is a relationship that has ended. The only thing you can do now is have an open and honest relationship with the mother, her mother and your grandchild. You are incredibly luck that she did come to you for your help initially and I think that speaks volumes about her wanting you in her life, and you being a voice she needs to hear.

The finances you speak about initially are irrelevant and I suggest you don't dwell on these details any further. Their situation in this regard is probably not greatly different from many social norms these days, and you need to respect that everyone has a role to play, and in this case your husband was a great financial support to his family. You cannot hold that against anyone.

I hope you can find some acceptance of the relationship break soon, and work on what is now important. Building your relationship with your grandchild and his mother.

Cat_inapastlife