CPTSD - Destroying My Marriage

[NP07]

Hey guys,

I have CTPSD from my childhood and developed behaviours through adulthood to protect myself and stay safe.

These behaviours have caused my wife a lot of pain over the last 30yrs. It has come to a point where she cannot see any future with me. I'm constantly working on myself, seeing a psychologist, changing my behaviours to be a better version of myself but my wife cannot see past her internal hurt and pain. I've taken ownership and acknowledged all my mistakes and taken the heat for so much more than that.

Each day I try to appease my wife by working on what she needs. Each day the "goal posts" seem to move meaning I'm not satisfying her or respecting her to give her what she wants from me, to be open, honest and raw. I am doing these things while fighting through my anxiety and fear. My wife cannot see anything I'm doing or have done to be different and a better person.

It has come to a point where she is always angry, everyday. Could be the wat I smile at her or explained how my day went.

She has told me in a very agressive way 20 times in the last 3 weeks, that's she is done and when the time is right we will discuss with the kids. I'm sleeping in the spare room and only get spoken to if needed to uphold a sense of family around the kids.

My wife has her own childhood trauma. She had a horrible upbringing. Her defence mechanism is to fight and retreat not resolve. 

I love her so much but she feels I hate her and I don't care. 

I'm lost. I have run out of mental strength to keep going. I have run out of ideas. 

I have been trying to show up and get her to see me for over 12 months. As soon as she allows herself to open up a little BANG I get hammered for something insignificant to restore the status quo.

Thank you for listening and reading my post.

[Scared]

Hey that sounds like a really tough place your in.  Im responding to you because the fact you are working on yourself makes me know your worth responding to otherwise I wouldnt respond. Your making big changes getting help to be not only a better man but a better partner and father.  This is a big deal what I call a real man. A person who sees their negative past behaviour and then goes on to become better is a person of High value no matter where your at in your therapy.  This is fact!  What I fear for you is you are looking for changes in your partner understandable and not seeing her change..   This is leading to you becoming at your wits end.  But if you can change your thinking to Im becoming a better man for me that should be your motive.  Yes I agree its for the family but by the sounds of things its not getting the pay off you hoped for.  We cant change other people period.  The only way I know of changing others is by leading by example and your doing that by therapy.  Your battle is to stay on course with your changes even when others around you dont acknowledge or even are threatened by your change.

People will see your change dont worry about that but now is the time take time out for yourself and gift yourself for your hard work.  So I would only concentrate on progress your making and find some outlet for the frustration .  Build this new man and they will come.  I hear you love them and they are worth fighting for.

Dont forget your partner sounds she has issues as well but if she wont get help there is nothing you can do.  But Dont let that derail your growth for the futurep