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coping after infidelity

Community Member

My life wasn't perfect but i had a wonderful, caring husband of 12 years, 2 young children and a close-knit extended family. Like most marriages there were ups and downs but together we were always supportive of each other and strong. The past year had been particularly strained due to injury, financial difficulties, etc. but we still got by.My world fell apart a few months ago when my husband's moods became erratic and he said he need a break  'to think' ; he could no longer deal with the guilt he felt and revealed he had been having an affair.My heart broke and i fell to pieces. My pain was amplified when i found out this had been going on for much longer than i was originally told and with someone very close to me. I had been completely unaware and had thought that at that time of our lives we were a strong unit. The pain was unimaginable and the effects far -reaching in my family. Even through my own pain i had to be strong for my kids and family and pushed aside my own hurt to be supportive of my husband who was now also in deep pain realising how his selfish actions had affected those around him. He has opened up and revealed that a traumatic event a few years earlier which we had both survived had brought back memories of earlier trauma in his life and he had felt unable to discuss this with me. He said his affair was initially just about emotional support at the time, and got out of control. He desperately wants to make things right. I have chosen to give it another chance because i can't imagine my life without him, even though the pain is still raw. he is being supportive and listens to my feelings and has made changes in his life to address my concerns. my family are not as supportive and i feel as though i have lost a huge part of my life, my hopes and dreams...  i hope that in time things will work out for everyone.  I have major trust issues and trouble sleeping at night. I have been treated for anxiety but i find that when i am alone in my thoughts i keep reliving the details, the timeline, the events, etc. and can't seem to get past this... i had shied away from telling friends because it is humiliating and too difficult to speak about.

2 Replies 2

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi just coping,

Welcome and thanks for sharing with us.

Infidelity can be one of the most challenging losses to experience, because the person is still here, but the trust and ideals for that person and the relationship have been torn away.

It's positive to hear that communication is open and present.  Being able to share and listen are 2 critical elements to regaining trust. The other is time. It would be unrealistic to expect that your trust would return immediately. Your partner now has to show you that he can be trusted again. Have the 2 of you considered marriage counselling? This is something my parents chose to do and found it really helpful. Its good to be able to talk to one another and its helpful to have a 3rd person who can remain objective.

It's up to you if you want to tell your friends. In doing so remember that your husband's affair had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. It may sound difficult but you have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about, and I think your friends would want to have a choice about supporting you.

In terms of sleep this can have a huge impact on mood and ability to cope. Is your Dr able to prescribe some sleeping tablets, even just temporarily? it might also be worthwhile to get a referral and mental health plan to see a Psychologist, this way you can also get some individual support for you. (The mental health plan will assist financially with 10 sessions).

You should be really proud of the way you have put your children first, it takes a lot of strength to do this, there also needs to be time for you.

I hope this has been helpful.


Thanks AGrace,  I have already been in touch with my dr regarding mental health check. just worried about the financial side of things... and with 2 small children finding time is not easy for counselling. Both of us definitely agree that marriage counselling is worth a go. My children mean the world to me so i am staying strong for them and keeping things as 'normal' as possible which has been difficult at times. Sleep is a big factor, as you mentioned, i find that when sleep is broken my emotions are heightened. The problem is our youngest is a teething baby, which adds to the stress... i honestly hope i am doing the right thing. i do believe that he has changed from this experience, but then  i never thought for a second that this would happen to me in the first place.

It's nice just to know that i have a place where i can feel free to express my concerns to people who show genuine concern 🙂 Thankyou 🙂