Constant Validation

[Guest_48945486]

My partner tells me I don't tell her i'm proud of her enough, that I should tell her i'm proud of her because she cleaned the house, or did the washing.

She tells me I don't believe in her because she only every knows when I'm angry or upset about something. 

I don't praise her enough, I don't cry to her and don't seek validation from her myself. 

I don't know if she's being unhealthy in her expectations, or if I'm unhealthy because I'm content and don't feel the need to unpack every emotion throughout my day. 

Emotions are just a party of life and I don't feel the need to state every emotion with a hundred words. 

I share my moments of joy, we laugh, we have fun together, I share about my work days and ask about hers. But that doesn't seem to be enough.

She wants for nothing, I pay for everything, she goes out with friends etc and has her social life outsider of me. She works 20 hours a week to my 40, so she gay plenty of time to do housework etc, and I still help out, I cook, I clean, I keep things tidy to make life easier on both of us.

I'm lost, I don't think I should have to constantly validate her nor unpack every feeling I have. 

I know it's easier for me to grump and be frustrated when something isn't done that I feel isn't okay, like not changing a toilet roll, but I don't yell or scream, I simply sigh and fix it myself.

I dunno, I dunno what healthy expectations of my emotions are. What is reasonable for her to ask if me? 

[Croix]

Dear new member~

I"d like to welcome you here to the Forum, a good place to get ideas and perspective. You sound pretty self contained when it comes ot emotions and are not someone that needs to seek comfort in talking wiht other about them -my apologies if I've got that wrong.

Your partner sounds a different type of person, one who does wish to share  and feels the lack when she can't.  She may well feel you do not believe in her if she only sees you in anger and also pointing out things not done.

As you say anger comes easier to you. Unfortunatly it can upset someone who is easily emotionally bruised. In fact it may well be the case though you do jobs herself your feelings spill out unintentionally and that bruises too.

It looks like the only way you can make your partner feel comfortable and secure is simply not to be angry, and also to be complimentary whenever possible. I can't pretend this is an easy thing, to control anger is something many people, myself included, cannot realy reduce by oneself and I'd suggest professional assistance.

You do mention that your work hours are twice hers and you still do chores at home. I'm afraid that there is no 'fair' way of balancing things in a relationship, only what works. You may find with  encouragement your partner blossoms and wil do more, or if your anger does not come out you will feel more content yourself due to a happy partner, even if the imbalance remains.

Croix

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at a time in your relationship that feels so challenging.

It was my daughter who pointed out to me the concept of 'The 5 different love languages', which is a rather fascinating topic. The more I looked into it, the more I thought 'This actually makes sense and is relatable'. This came at a time, about a year ago or so, where I was trying to make sense of why my 22 year marriage felt like such a major challenge in some ways. To begin with, the 5 so called love languages are

1. Words of affirmation
2. Acts of service
3. Receiving gifts
4. Quality time
5. Physical touch

Myself, I'm an 'Acts of service' and 'Quality time' kind of gal. I'll actively express my love for others through doing whatever it takes in regard to leading them to evolve through and beyond challenges, just to name one example. It's not enough to simply say 'I love you' and give out hugs and that's all while someone can be struggling, especially with their mental health and an inability to make sense of their struggles. My relationship with people is about time well spent. For me, love is largely found in evolution, in how people develop together and/or individually. My husband, on the other hand, is a 'Words of affirmation' and 'Physical touch' kind of person. We're extremely different and this has caused some issues over the years.

As my daughter mentioned, the type of person we are (when it comes to how we express love) will reflect how we seek and feel love. Hope that makes sense. While my husband insists I regularly tell him how much I love him while hugging him and while he also insists on me telling him what a great job he's done when it comes to mowing the lawn, that's just not me. Now, if he served our kids by spending more quality time with them, I'd feel compelled to hug him (physical touch) based on how well he's served them while also telling him (through words of affirmation) what a great father he is. I could easily love him in the ways he wants me to. Constant simple hugging and regular validation aren't my thing. When our partner starts demanding (in one way or another) these be our thing, it can become an issue.