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confused mother

Hereforsupport
Community Member

Hi all,

New poster here.

Short story so to the point. I have a 2 year old son, I'm pregnant with number 2. My husband drinks weekly and its become apart of his routine. He will start early on a Friday afternoon and drink minimum 12 in one sitting. This is every week without fail. He will buy a slab and finish it in that weekend. He is loyal and works. I believe he is also on the spectrum. For example tonight, we had a nice night out and we got home 9PM. He is straight on the beer, his excuse was "its a long weekend". There's always an excuse as to why he drinks. I'm becoming bitter, anti social, boring, unhappy and alone. I can't help it but it's how I am feeling. There is no intimacy since we found out about the baby and that is okay, but there is no kissing or touching. We don't do family day trips or family activities, getting my husband out of the house is a mission. Tonight was a family birthday dinner and he complained the whole day about it being "late" (6PM), he also said he was not going, he went and had a lovely time. We don't often have serious adult conversations as he gets bored fast and sits on his phone or laptop, we had a conversation tonight and it was amazing, I felt like things were good and how they were years ago, that I had my husband back. We get home and straight to the alcohol. I cried in the shower and went to bed alone again, alcohol is ruining my life, the person I married is becoming a monster and he can't see it because what he wants he must have/get. He doesn't care who he hurts along the way and I'm getting bored of it. It's not how I pictured my life and I'm starting to have the regret and I can't do anything about it, I can't move on my own as I have no job & kids, I'm stuck. I guess I am just needing to get it off my chest and some advice?

12 Replies 12

Guest_342
Community Member

Hello Hereforsupport,

Would an option be to make a time for you both to sit down and have a chat about it when he is not drinking, so you can tell him how you are feeling? Maybe focus on the 'how it makes me feel' rather than 'this is what you are doing' so he sees the impact on you rather than him potentially feeling attacked? I feel like making a time to chat, instead of springing it on him, could be a way to go? Otherwise I wonder whether it might otherwise take him by surprise and feel confrontational? And maybe not at a time when he's wanting to have a drink, so perhaps you'll find yourself in a calmer state of mind when voicing your concerns.

Or, instead of sitting down to talk, you could ask if he's ok to go for a walk and talk?

This is a tough situation - I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know if the above will work, and I don't have this experience, but I do recognise the feelings you're describing and I know that bottling it up and not voicing your concerns can make it blow into something bigger over time and can make you feel resentful. It's not looking like you'll achieve any successful outcome letting it keep going like this. I know setting a time can be hard and can feel confrontational, but communication is so important.

Wishing you all the best. Also - congratulations on the new bub xo

It’s hard to chat to him unless it’s on his terms/time. I don’t know when to catch him to chat for more than 5 minutes? Tonight for 30 minutes was a lucky score, I was blown away. He never gives me that.
If it’s longer than 5 minutes his on his phone. I could talk to him until I am blue in the face & he wouldn’t change.

im thinking do I get help to better myself & be a great mum, rather than worry about him. He’s got depression/anxiety & possibly autism, he’s medicated for but not diagnosed for autism. I have tried booking things in & he won’t go cause timings don’t suit him - can’t be on a Saturday because that’s HIS Saturday. He’s impossible. I’m exhausted. I’m grumpy, i’m a feral grumpy stinking mum.
no help around here. Today I didn’t an hour putting all the washing away on my own & couldn’t shower prior to dinner as he played computer games. Im sorry I have gone off topic, I’m venting I’m just so so exhausted..

thank you dearly i appreciate it XX

Happy for you to vent as much as you need 🙂

I'm sorry my suggestions might not work for you, but perhaps we can see what others here suggest.

Also, do you have some friends you feel comfortable talking to?

No, thank you. I appreciate it.

i have his family members who know, he doesn’t know that though, they’re good support. He’s got a bad history with alcohol so this is huge & really doing damage to everyone. I feel like it’s my fault his family is reliving the horrible past but I had to tell them I needed help & support. Plus it’s there son/family. I can go to them but again im exhausted. I’m going to sound selfish but I’m exhausted baby sitting a grown man. I’m so busy with a toddler, house, him I have let myself go & by 7pm I’m ready go sleep. I miss who I was.


Chappo1920
Community Member

As a young Father of 2 children, I did struggle abit during the second pregnancy, it’s a lot of pressure going to work everyday, trying to keep on top of bills etc, be a good dad and a good partner all at once, it’s hard, it’s a lot to deal with.

I too have found myself been abit reserved and have found my depression and anxiety have been at an all time high recently, personally I don’t drink, but maybe he’s struggling mentally, hence the excessive drinking, I hope you let him know that you appreciate him and that you love him etc..

I hope things get better for you all, been a parent is a blessing, and I hope you come to enjoy your pregnancy term and have a safe experience, don’t give up, everything will be okay 🙂

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Hereforsupport, I'm sorry I had replied back to you but the site suddenly went 'unavailable' so my reply has been lost, so I'll mention the important facts to you because I feel very sorry for you, so excuse me for not saying them again.

Centrelink will provide bond money and two weeks rent if you want to move out and the op shops can give you furniture.

If you live in Victoria hen google this 'Home/Housing.vic.gov.au', as there are houses/flats that are available for urgent rental, which are furnished.

Anglicare also provide similar housing, plus they have counselling.

My previous reply was much more informed and empathic to your situation.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

doinit4kidz
Community Member

I am in a similar situation myself so I get it and feel for what you are going through.

I myself have 5 children that range in age from mid twenties down to a 1yr old atm we have my 17yr old from previous relationship plus our 6yr old daughter and the baby boy at home with us.

I am on the spectrum, hubby suffers PTSD, extreme anxiety and is very reliant on me for his emotional well being, 17yr old displays strong Asperger traits, 6yr old is so like me and being diagnosed now with autism and baby is a handful already.

We are both also recovering addicts with going on 2 decades clean of heroin but hubby can struggle with recreational use of other drugs and alcohol.

My advice is keep a dairy read it back each mth and try discuss the pattern of negative behavior and the affect alcohol has. But be ready for him to not want to face it but sometimes it can plant a seed and might start him really facing it too. Do not stay for the kids only stay if your hearts still in it as there be long bumpy roads yet to come.

Good luck

I completely get that but for my husband, he does minimal around here, he works I do the rest, literally I have to nag for him to bath our son and that is him showering with him.
He works from home. He has it easy. I get the financial stain is on him but he earns well and in the comfort of home. This has been an issues for 2 years, he’s on medication and meant to be seeing someone to help which he has not followed through with. Thank you. I hope so too but I have no hope or faith left, I can’t wait to escape him at times. When he leaves the house it’s pure bliss.
he is with me 24/7 and it is driving me crazy. I need my alone time and he doesn’t give me that.

I show him love, but I have lacked it just like he has with me. The affection has gone and we can’t even watch a movie together he’ll just sit on his phone. Everything with my son I am solo on. Any plans, house hold etc is all on me. He wakes up and straight to his laptop to play games with a coffee and I do the rest. I’m very exhausted and I get no ‘me’ time, the moment I say I am tired I get told ‘I’m lazy and don’t have a reason to be tired’.

Thank you.

unfortunately Centrelink won’t help me as I have a mortgage in my name (me alone).
we moved and left that as an investment and we rent. We couldn’t afford to buy as he had a lot of debt. So I’m stuck..