Christmas and the in-laws after an epic year

[melaleuca]

Hi,

I came across this forum when I typed ‘Christmas and the in-laws’ … of course I’m not the only one to grapple with this dilemma 🙂

I’m wondering what’s fair and appropriate and if we DO go, how best to cope.

My mother in law is narcissistic and controlling. She loves having her whole family together, but treats us (I’m married to her eldest son) very differently from the way she treats the other two families.

For two decades we’ve been made to feel on the outer.

She showers the others with huge gifts like flights to New York and shares in holiday houses and gives me string bags and crockery from Vinnies …

I’m not materialistic, so perhaps she thinks that’s what I’m hoping for, but the disparity is huge 🙂

She and her husband insisted they wouldn’t babysit for us (with their first grandchild) and now babysit for the others full time.

The same went for buying houses … we did our own thing, the others have had significant help.

It’s driven a real wedge between us.

It makes lunch with them all really taxing.

They’re also all really loud and assertive and never listen or ask me or our child anything other than ‘how’s school’? 
The younger daughters in law think I’m over the hill at a decade older. They feel like they know everything.

This year they’re insisting on a week long holiday 12 hours from home.

There could well be fires.

We were stuck in the big fires a few years ago, so I’m a bit cautious.

We’re also totally drained from a really difficult year with an eating disorder in the family, homeschooling, a school change, a house move and the death of a dear friend and mentor.

We’re finally settling into our new place and I’m desperate to recuperate.

I’ve been exhibiting a lot of symptoms of burnout.

And we’re trying to settle our dog into an apartment, which is a little stressful.

But my husband is not able to disappoint his mother.

He feels I should just tough it out.

I do most years, but this just feels too much.

What do others think?

Should I send him and our child and stay home with the dog?

Or tough it out? And if so, how??

[therising]

Hi melaleuca

Some people can definitely be questionable, regarding the way they think and behave. You just can't help but wonder about them. In the meantime, before hitting on a whole stack of revelations that help explain things, you can be left to feel the impact of their thinking and behavior. I feel for you so much while you're 1)trying to make sense of it all, 2)contemplating what to do under the circumstances and 3)trying to recover from one of the most taxing years of your life, especially with you having lost a good friend. My heart goes out to you.

First, I think it pays to consider how a deeply feeling person experiences life and if they happen to be just about everyone's 'go to' person for problem solving how that has an impact too, at the same time. While your husband may say 'tough it out', do you think he's considering how you feeling so much while serving everyone has really impacted you, to the point of exhaustion? On a mental level, that kind of stuff can be mind altering in a number of ways. Inner dialogue can become a struggle as it starts to change under stress, challenge and exhaustion. Physically, what it all does to your chemistry, nervous system and a whole stack of other energy systems in the body is something that can be felt. On a soulful level, there are also plenty of challenges. Completely understandable, especially under the circumstances, how going away for the Christmas family thing would feel like hard work you're just not prepared to undertake. If something's telling you that you need a break, I've found it pays to name that something. Call it your 'inner sage', 'inner guide', intuitive self or even your intolerant sense of self that dictates what you should and shouldn't be tolerating. Certain facets of self can be of great service at times.

On the other hand, the question may be 'What do I want to achieve by going?'. Do you want to achieve being left alone in peace in a place that may offer you a break away from home? Do you want to achieve not being spoken over? Do you want to achieve developing your sense of being able to read people, while seeing your in-laws as kind of guinea pigs for such an experiment? Sitting back and observing them more than ever before could give you further insight into their natures. Who's the most open minded one amongst them vs who's the most closed minded? Who's the most self opinionated vs who's the most wonderful (full of wonder when it comes to other people's views and opinions)? Who's the most soulful vs who's the most egotistical? Who's the most humble vs who's the most self righteous? Who's the deepest feeler vs who is so switched off from feeling to the point that you gotta question it (out loud if you wish 😁)? And the list goes on. I've found all natures have a certain feel to them. Could turn out that you are the most open minded, wonderful, soulful, humble, deeply feeling one of the lot. I imagine this is the kind of person you may best get along with. Perhaps your friend and mentor who passed was very much this way. As one of your guides in life, what do you imagine they'd suggest would be best for you?

[melaleuca]

Good Morning therising,

Your thoughtful response was so welcome!

I love the way you’ve approached my dilemma. You’ve given me food for thought.

I hope you’re finding people to relax and connect with through this busy time of year.

Warm wishes!