Child above & PTSD

[Globetrotter]

How do you live or deal with having been abused sexually by one of your closest family members that you'd think wouldn't be possible.

I tried to mask it to bury all my life in the hope that it would protect the other family members if i Just took it all on myself then the hope it would eventually stop  and it stopped and got through without thinking about it all for a few years but it's coming back. In different ways too.

In my thoughts, in the way I shut down immediately if anything triggers me and the worse I'm put into those feelings when the triggers pop out and starting to frame my partner as the same person that abused me but he's not. We have been married for over a decade now and have beautiful children, but because I can't get pass those I often feel resentful, angry, and our intimacy is gone. I feel dirty, I always hated having being born with this body...I always wished I wasn't born or could just go...but now I can't for my family. I just feel numb, I can't get pass this, it's ruined most of me and who I am, who I became...

Anyone having suffered the same having managed to at least let it out as I haven't found who would be able to even listen to all of this that cares.... psychs have taken my money but don't really care. Many years ago I started talking to one but never got even close to letting this out and then I just felt it was leading nowhere on my path to healing. If there's even one....

[mmMekitty]

Hello Globetrotter & welcome to the forums, a safe & caring community where we will listen & do our best to support you.

I had a close family member who abused me, made me keep what he said was 'our' secret. Do yu understand why he did that? I am sure you do. It was to protect himself so he could continue to abuse me.

It has taken me a long time to understand, the abuse was not my secret. I owed him no protection. He will have to deal with himself without me. Since he wanted to make excuses then I suppose he won't ever understand what he did & why. I can't be responsible for that, either.

I have found a Psychiatrist who has helped me immensely, though he does charge a lot, which is mostly covered by Medicare. My PDr has talked to me about my past, boundaries, responsibilities, mine, his, & others, helping me to understand why it was not my responsibility to keep the secret, "our secret" as had been told to me when I was a child & didn't understand. My PDr has talked with me about how I feel about myself, about caring for myself, looking to waht is in my own best interest. He has shown me a great deal of care & consideration, beyond anything I had thought I could hope for, & all without expecting anything in return. The appointments I have with him are for me to use as I want, to talk about anything. If I want I could show him pictures, or something I had written at home, whatever I think will help me to express what I need to.

Certainly you deserve someone who will treat you with respect, & allow the session to be yours to use as you need.

My first 'letting out' was by writing.  I did a lot of writing, just letting it out , as you say. Then I did some painting too.

I can understand how being close to someone, even your partner, can trigger memories & feelings from the past, & can even have you reacting to him as if he is the one who abused you.

You & your partner, may have to find a way to talk openly, so you can tell him your feelings, so he will gain some understanding about why the intimacy is lacking. What do you suppose he thinks now, while he doesn't know how you feel? What do you think he will do if you confide in him?

Hugzies

mmMekitty