Cheated on girlfriend - I let her know
Moved in with my girlfriend. First time out of home for me, and she has been out for a while. I have never wanted to cheat or even thought about it before, but one night while she was on a week and a half excursion I made a bad decision to cheat on her. I was pretty intoxicated and honestly regret it a lot, but I still did it.
I ended up telling her when she got back (the next day, I am an idiot I know) and it cut her pretty deep. Things were going well for us and I honestly am not really sure why I did it, I just did it and knew i would regret it while doing it...just followed the wrong brain i guess.
Since I am overseas away from my close friends, I am struggling a bit with the emotional side for myself. Her and I are working through things...and it seems OK...but I guess you can never really know with this type of thing. She has been better than anyone in my position could deserve, and I am grateful for that, but I need to vent and speak to someone because I can't do it to her, for obvious reasons, and i am holding emotions in i guess.
I guess any insight users on this forum have would be helpful, mostly in regards to:
How do i deal with this moving forward?
How can I make my partner feel as good and happy as she can?
Should I tell a friend or family back home for support? I am ashamed but I think telling someone might be constructive, and helpful for advice and emotional support.
Any general advice of life experience would be very appreciated!
Hi. Welcome to beyond blue.
Unfortunately for you (and luckily for me) I have not been in your situation so I cannot give you any sage advice on how to overcome the situation. But I will think out loud...
I wonder if the guilt that you feel is because you are still together, because you might have thought that once you told her, she might dump you? But remember that in telling her you also showed courage and honesty. I wonder if you do not think you deserve forgiveness from your partner?
As for telling friends or family... Were you ashamed when you told her what you had done? Would you feel better if you spoke to someone about it? I dont know how well you get on with members in your family, but if it were me, I would choose my parents, as they would likely be supportive. They might initially call you stupid, but (for me) give the best advice on moving forward. If you are unsure whether you can speak with the person then I would not, because you are also talking about girlfriend, and she would not likely want the world to know what happened?
Perhaps you could speak with a therapist about your thoughts and that might it shows your commitment to her and to the two of you as a team? This in turn could make your partner "feel as good and happy as she can"? (You could easily google the answer on how to make your girlfriend happy.) Perhaps, if you have not already, ask her what she needs from you? You also have to forgive yourself at some time?
Regardless of what you do and what actions you take, the healing will take time. So you have recognise that and live with that aspect of it.
Guilt can truly be a torturous thing, as it has a tendency to really eat us up inside in so many ways. I suggest you are feeling the guilt and shame because you are a conscious person who is aware of the pain you have caused your partner. If you were a sociopath, you wouldn't be feeling like you do. So, now we've established that you're a thoughtful guy who did something thoughtless (alcohol can make us thoughtless at times), let me give you my take on 'disappointment' so that you can hopefully begin moving past this event. By the way, don't let one event define your entire relationship. Yes, I know, easier said than done.
I imagine you both entered into the relationship with the idea of appointing each other as 'faithful'. You agreed with this idea and appointed yourself in the role of 'faithful partner'. On the evening you speak of, you disappointed yourself from that role. Now you are both feeling the impact of that disappointment. abc, with you having appointed yourself again to that role of 'faithful partner', you are left asking 'How can I make my partner feel as good and happy as she can?' You are asking yourself to be even more conscious of your partner than ever before and this is a good thing.
Where possible, listen to your partner more carefully than ever before. Hear her needs and tend to them more consciously than ever before. Consider what speaks to her soul (aka romance) more attentively than ever before. As you both evolve through this greater sense of consciousness you will find that love is found in evolution, not in focusing on a single disappointment. The disappointment will pull your focus away from consciously growing together. You may find that your partner will be able to move forward through giving you release from this event because you are evolving past it together.
I hope this helps give you a somewhat different view of things, in order for you to begin moving forward. I hope you find yourself having grown more because of this event. Keep in mind, it is important that you focus on moving forward through giving yourself release from the ties of a disappointment, so you can begin accepting new and positive roles in your relationship with your partner as well as the relationship you have with yourself.