Changes in relationships

Ash7441 · ‎29-11-2018

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 4 years. We met through a sport we were both active in, and agreed our aspiration to make the sport a career is what comes 1st. While I no longer partake in the sport due to personal reasons, he does. Recently, there have been talks about his future and progressing, which would mean he has to move overseas. While I am proud of him, and support him, I feel very alone. I know that I cannot go with and follow him as he follows his dream, because I have a great career that cant be moved. I have my pet here, and I couldn't imagine leaving him. I've made friends, even though I find it very difficult to make meaningful connections. I feel I cannot tell him my fears, because it will take away from his moment. I feel like I will have to give up someone I truly love. When I said our sport comes 1st, I only liked him. 4 years later, I'm in love with him, and the sport is meaningless. The sport requires a certain lifestyle if you do it professionally. I have concerns about his life on the road, partying and having extra female attention, while I'm playing house for months on end, alone. I dont want him to give up his passion, but I feel that he is giving up on us if he receives some offer. I feel that all my sacrifice for us, finishing my studies, working my way through shit jobs to get one which could support us, giving up my sporting career, giving up travel, saving every last cent to put towards making a home for him and I, has been for nothing. There's no winning. Not for either of us. I feel hopeless and I cant tell him, because he is currently experiencing depressive symptoms. I just don't know what to do...

Quercus · ‎30-11-2018

Hi Ash7441 and welcome to the forums,

Reading your post the thought that kept coming to mind was about resentment...

If he followed his dream and you stayed in the life you've built for you both waiting for him and worrying do you think you would resent him for it?

If he gave up his opportunities for you would he regret it? Would he resent you one day?

Hard questions. But truthful and important.

As much as we may love someone it isn't fair to put your life on hold waiting for them. You have mentioned the sacrifices you have already made and the fact the sport no longer matters to you. It is a valid feeling to not want to sacrifice any more and to want to live your life as you choose.

I suppose my question is do you feel worried about his ability to cope if you chose to end the relationship rather than wait and worry?

And moreso... How will you feel given you love him if he expects you to wait as he lives his dream?

So many questions sorry. But it is important to ask yourself the hard questions honestly. A long distance relationship is hard work and not for everyone.

It is hard to know how to bring up difficult subjects when your partner is depressed... But honesty is important. If you're walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting him this isn't a very healthy place to be.

I hope you can find something from my post. It feels like waffle to me today but I do care.

Kindest,

Nat

Ash7441 · ‎30-11-2018

Hi Nat,

Thank you for your response. I've been refreshing the forum every so often, hoping someone would read my thoughts so I wouldn't feel so crazy.

The issue of resentment has come across my mind many times. While we once shared the same aspirations, I've listened to his desires for the past couple years, and have ensured he was put first.

The sport was around a lot longer than we have been in each other's life. I completely understand his desire, but I think he believes he can have best of both worlds, and that's simply not the case.

The sport would require him to travel a lot. There's no off season either. It's constant. I fear that a life that I have tried to build for US, will just be a life of being alone. What's a home without someone to share it with?

I honestly worry about both of our ability to cope. Both himself and his family have said I'm the best thing to happen to him, and he has turned his life around so much. I dont take credit for that at all - it's all his own doing. For me, he really is my best friend, and I know if the relationship ended, I couldn't be his friend anymore, because we have been through so much for so long. It's all or nothing with me.

I spent all of last night awake thinking about these questions, and I'm sure it will be the same tonight...

I haven't spoken to him about it, as the opportunity will be presenting itself in a few days, and I dont want to take his head out of it. I truly want him to be happy and be successful. I just feel heartbroken that his happiness and success will mean losing my best friend... I know I refer to me a lot, and God, I know I sound self centred and selfish. I just don't know what to do...

geoff · ‎30-11-2018

Hello Ash, welcome to the forums.

Nat has asked you some very good questions, difficult to answer and difficult to sort through, however, if this sport means he is going to travel a lot then you will be asking yourself the same questions if you travel to the US, then your the job which is good would have been lost and any employment overseas might not be appropriate.

I'm sure he is thinking exactly the same as you, but also keeping it to himself, so perhaps it's time to talk about what may happen.

Long distance relationships are difficult to keep, I'm sorry to say, because you might want to talk to him on skype at a certain time, but something might change his schedule.

It's going to be so hard to make this decision, I feel for you.

Geoff.

Ash7441 · ‎30-11-2018

Thank you, Geoff.

He is a very optimistic human. He believes everything will work out and be fine. I'm far more realistic, and understand the struggle to communicate long distance. This was a challenge we faced earlier this year, when our grandmother's were dying. For 3 weeks he was in the UK while I was here in AUS, then I left probably 2 weeks after he returned, to go back to South Africa for just under 2 weeks. Those things are unavoidable, but also were a once off - but it was difficult to reach each other with the time zones. I dont think he quite comprehends that time zone issues will then turn into a constant hurdle, let alone when do we actually see each other.

Serves me right for loving a dreamer with his head in the clouds...

Quercus · ‎01-12-2018

Hi Ash,

Something you wrote jumped out to me...

I sound self centred and selfish

You don't. But why is it we feel wrong to be a little selfish? If we only consider other's needs we risk spending our lives being miserable martyrs.

It sounds like you constantly consider his needs and wants. But your needs matter equally. Like Geoff said your work and home and friends are where you are. If you're happy there why should you leave?

I think we can love someone but it is just not the right time in our lives. Ending a relationship doesn't mean it wont resume another time if it is right.

You mentioned not being able to stay friends and I think that is a totally valid option. It allows you both the freedom to live the lives you each choose and to move on if you choose to without constant painful reminders.

Such a crappy decision to make. I agree with Geoff... He is probably already worrying too. Time to talk.

Nat