Can’t get over my ex.

[Chris 21]

 I wish to pour my heart out,

I was with my ex for 27 years, she is my world I hit her and to this day I regret it.

i was charged by the police and admitted the guilt. 

 It has been 12 months since, I was removed by the police,  they took out an ADVO on me I accept that,  Only saving grace is my eldest daughter got herself removed from the avo.

I cry everyday over her,  Ive had depression tablets, don’t  work… i  struggle, to awake, to cope at work, I was put under mental health watch due to chronic depression.

 all everyone tells me is move on. let her go, my heart is so so broken, she was the love of my life… and i regret every day what I did.

I have the advo til august 2024.. so can’t contact her… she treats me like I am dead 

 justnwalked away from me … took my little one and turned her against me and disowned my eldest daughter .. it broke my heart the other day to see my eldest so depressed too ..

 I am so lucky to have her, we are getting a rental together.

I am so so lonely, I have no friends, no one to tell.

her mum was my best friend, after we split I had her face tattoo on my right arm,  it was

stupid, but it’s all I have left of her  I speak to it and pretend she hears me. she won’t give me a chance and I don’t deserve a chance.

completely broke.

I cry everyday, And I’m tired so tired. I have seen sp called experts , move on get over her etc.

im constantly stressed  headaches, lack of though process etc.

I have no friends I’m sad I know none to talk to … I try to explain to my daughter how I miss her mum, but I can’t Burden her … I am struggling but I do not trust doctors … who want to pump,me with drugs that do not work… i am emotionally damaged not mentally ill …. 

I struggle to interact with people .. all I have is my daughter and 2 cats …. I just wanted to get this off of my chest … and hope if I do and tell the truth karma might help me get my partner back … I realise, what love was and I have lost my soul mate … I really pray no one ever has to suffer my deserved pain …. All I can say is I miss you GG, (not real name) I hope the universe sends this too her.

I can’t call or speak to her as I will breach Avo and go to jail. 

I just wanted to say, I am sorry GG, i know you will never read his but I will never give up fighting to get you back …. I love you so much baby, I’m so so sorry.

[ecomama]

Hey Chris, welcome to the forums. 

Your post was from the heart. We appreciate you sharing. 

Having your eldest daughter being able to get a home together with and your 2 cats is wonderful! 

I'm not sure if the Course is still running or whether it was ever in your area, but there used to be a Course that one (100% men I understand) could attend, something to do with understanding the Cycle of Violence for DV & FV abusers. 
I attended the one for survivors of DV abuse. It was called "Breaking Free". It was AMAZING, enlightening, and one of my bolsters in getting out and staying out forever. 

It's admirable that you want to reach out to apologise. That would be a normal response when we do something wrong to anyone. 
The thing that alarmed me was this >>> "I will never give up fighting to get you back.."

I sincerely hope that was only part of your venting here, not actually what you intend to do? 

Because those words are scary for a woman who's been through domestic violence. Terrifying in fact. 

So with all the kindness and compassion I can muster for a stranger who's been convicted of such a crime, PLEASE redirect your focus on to YOURSELF. 

The 180 strategy has some awesome tips to look at and act upon. 

Also once you've felt low for x long, you can literally turn your life around from this. 
I hope you DO! 

Watching YouTube clips of Tony Robbins and Dr Joe Dispenza and ACTING upon their directions will create a new person, a new future and a wonderful NEW LIFE for you! 

Your little daughter may seek you one day. Your daughter who'll be living with you already has! 
Please BECOME the man each of them would want to LOOK UP TO because YOU are the role model of the man / men they will couple up with. 
Please don't remain as my childrens' father is still... "my sons said, so I read some research about how we marry someone JUST like our parents. So me and the boys are going to pick a GREAT Woman, like mum. But girls, you're doomed". Turns out the girls are gay. 

You KNOW you can be a GREAT MAN. Release all the fluff and let him out. 
Wishing you all the very best!
EM

[Croix]

Dear Chris~

Welcome back, I remember your grief when this happened and I hope that your daughter and cats are enough for now. To have daughter who loves you is a wonderful thing.

There is no way I could predict if your relationship might be restored, and no way I would say 'move on'. These things do not work that way.

At the moment you are suffering great greif, loss and guilt and this is terribly hard to live with. I do have a suggestion that might help you feel a little better.

At the moment - if you will pardon me for saying it - they may be inside you still the thing that made you resort to violence, and maybe you are afraid that given the right circumstances it might happen again. Just realizing it was wrong, with many regrets,  may not be enough.

Please do not think I'm critisising or judging you. We all make mistakes, some of them enormous ones. It is how we go about learning from them that can make a person feel more at peace.

Can I suggest you seek specific therapy to understand what it is inside you that needs to be addressed? At the same time getting to understand the feelings that violence by a partner can create (as EM was talkng about). There will be courses and therapies that combine both of these. Seeing your GP about them may be the start.

Doing such therapy can even as it draws to a close give you a sense of satisfaction and relief. It may also make you a better potential partner, either for your ex or someone else.

You know you are welcome here anytime

Croix

[Bob_22]

Hi Chris 21,

Sorry to chime in here but your post and story really moved me. I'm sorry to hear about the ADVO and can't imagine what you're going through right now.

It sounds like you're processing alot of regret, guilt and loneliness which is only natural. As croix mentioned, this can be all part of grieving which is very relevant in your case. As croix mentioned some professional advice would be good. I have my own pyschologist who I work with alot when it comes to my grief and I find that helpful. There is also griefline.org.au who offer over the phone counselling (8am to 8pm on 1300 845 745) and also have some online resources: https://griefline.org.au/resources/relationship-loss/ They also have online forums and support groups.

I can also recommend keeping a diary of how you feel and noting any revelations or self discoveries you find along the way. This can be quite powerful. I hope some of this helps.

Please keep us updated an thank you again for sharing. 💙

Bob

[Chris 21]

I’m sorry, I do not know why, I will keep fighting to win her back alarmed you.

the context of the fighting, is hypothetically  speaking, ie, I will never give up improving myself to win her back …. 

 

As, for young daughter, she won’t seek me, I have accepted that, she was been groomed and manipulated by the ex step mother, whom is a cruel evil woman …  she is upset, because she was told she is not her grandmother (both deceased). 
 

look, she was not innocent, I was subject to DV from her, the police refused to believe it even though evidence was present,  basically it didn’t make there case look good… the cop lied under oath, was not aware of video footage of him lying being presented to court, hence most charges dropped due to his perjury. 

I have no interest in ever getting a new partner, I will remain single to the day I die. 

My daughter, no longer speaks to her mum got the lies she said about me ..

 and now deflects on to her. 
 

I will reply properly soon

[Juliet_84]

Hi Chris,

I wouldn’t be so presumptuous as to speak on eco mama’s behalf and I’m sure she’ll clarify what she means, but the phrase you used had an element of control/possessiveness to it that many DV survivors may recognize and find concerning. Perpetrators of DV have a tendency to minimize their behaviors (blame others, it was only one time, it wasn’t that bad etc), but the reality is that intimate partner violence is not as simple as a momentary lapse, or striking your partner one time. There are a pattern of underlying thoughts and beliefs that allow someone to hurt the person they love in this manner, a line that most would never cross, and this is what needs addressing. For this reason, a men’s behaviour change program is most often recommended and considered most effective as it allows for challenge of these incorrectly held beliefs, which you may not even realise you have. I understand that our advice can be hard to hear at times as it perhaps holds a magnifying glass up to behaviors that may be uncomfortable for us to accept or that we would rather deny, but the reality is that we all have flaws that we need to address and we can only do this when we really are vulnerable and own up to our mistakes and learn from them. I truly hope that you are sincere and committed to doing the necessary work to change, it’s not easy but it is worth it.