Can’t bring myself to ask my husband for a separation

[InTwoMinds]

I’m new here. I’ve been married for 15 years and the last 6 of those my husband has changed hugely due to an acquired brain injury. He’s become quite erratic and o feel it’s affected our two kids aged 10 and 13 as they’ve been experiencing anxiety and school refusal in the last year, I don’t feel we are connected anymore and don’t have anything in common. It’s been a hard year financially too. I feel I’ve reached a decision that I’d like to ask him to move out for a while though I’m worried about how it will impact the kids.

[tranzcrybe]

Such a challenging time for everyone, no doubt. Personality changes? Quick to anger? Frustration? And you end up having to sort things out and carry the family through thick and thin.
Surely your love will have been tested and it sounds like you have reached your limit - does your husband still show affection for you? Have you considered counselling for yourselves and also the children? Is covid pressures a factor in their anxiety and reluctance, or the financial impact? Many emotions can compound in stressful times and we can make short term decisions without looking further ahead. What is your plan for 'after'?

[white knight]

Hi,

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

When I separated from my first wife, our girls were 7 and 4yo. Every morning I'd ring their school principle to ascertain if they made it to school (my wife was very lazy) and how they were emotionally.

After a couple of weeks I broke down on the phone to that principal at which she responded "children are more resilient than us Tony"

She was right. Yes it isn't easy but you have to do what you need to do. If you can save a friendship that's a bonus.

Sit down face to face and get it done. Have a few suggestions about his accommodation. A caravan in a caravan park was my option I took.

Good luck. Repost if you like

TonyWK

[geoff]

Hello TwoMinds, and a warm welcome to the forums.

Your children are resilient as Tony has said, they will learn to adapt to any changes that you decide to do, both for you and your husband and if he has been erratic then their anxiety may improve once you are separated, so it's much better for them to live two happy lifestyles rather than one unhappy family.

Your kids can contact Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 by phone, webchat or online to talk about how they feel, the prognosis of the situation if they want to and perhaps the need to understand why your husband has unfortunately changed.

I've also had a brain injury from an assault and none of my family had any counselling and it was years after the event before I began any counselling, I only wished my family found out what it involved, this certainly doesn't mean they won't stay with you because it's a high percentage they will as my sons stayed with my wife every time she left me to stay with her mother.

Take care.

Geoff.

[InTwoMinds]

Thank you Geoff. Both the kids and myself have had counselling and I booked one session of marriage counselling with my husband though I felt more unsettled after the session as I felt I couldn’t be honest for worry about how he would react. I do feel lots of guilt as i feel I’m abandoning him though I’ve tried so hard over the years to make it work.

[white knight]

Hi again

These might help, use Google

Beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

Beyondblue topic worry worry worry

Keep talking if you like.

TonyWK