Can it get worse ..?
Dear Hayes Hazard~
I'm sure you know this but a child of 13 (which your daughter wold have been) would have been very susceptible to the actions of that other woman, and there was 4 years of that. Not something to be overcome easily as beliefs can seem like facts rather than cunning lies.
Do you know if there is one thing she is blaming you for, which results in her attitude, or something else?
You said your husband does not see eye to eye with you over her, may I ask in what way? If you are gettng on well does he realise the depth of the unhappiness and alienation you are experiencing?
If someone shows contempt or dislike in return for love it is quite natural to feel dislike in return, that is not being a bad mother, the fact you keep trying shows how good you in fact are.
As children grow their values, needs and beliefs do change. There is no guarantee your daughter will always be this way.
You are always welcome here
Thanks for replying Croix
I probably should have made it a little easier to understand, his affair lasted 7 months on and off, however this woman was also a physiologist & knew how to manipulate and use my daughter to get what she wanted from my husband.. it was horrible..my partner and I reconciled end of 2017
my partner also told our daughter things during this time from his perspective which could have altered her way of feeling, thinking towards me. I’m not sure if she blames me for this, I will be honest and say I am not the most maternal mum, not the best with hugs and small talk.. which she does blame me for, this I understand.. I have wanted to talk to her many times to apologise for my own short comings and make things better but she shuts down and won’t talk.. I don’t push in fear of pushing her away more.. plus also very aware of putting too much on a teenager that also has a lot of other pressures with growing up and may not fully understand what her parents really went through...
my hubby and I have argued about the way she is towards me and I feel I’ve lost his support in this.. we used to be a united front which we are now no longer hence how I’ve ended up here.. I don’t feel I have his backing when it comes to our daughter, he’s gets affection and told the “I love you” and I get completely ignored.. they go off and talk together and I’m never included, when I try it’s like they are both quiet.. so I’m left feeling like I’m invading and it’s wrong.. when he cooks dinner it’s the best thing ever & our daughter really shows her appreciation and yet when I make dinner and effort there is nothing .. and no support from my best friend / partner, no encouraging “maybe give mum a hug” or “how about thanking Mum for such a good dinner”.. I believe my husband does understand my hurt and pain with her but doesn’t have a clue or want to help, there is simply no way at all that I would allow anything like this to happen to him as I was brought up with love and respect for your mum and dad no matter what
Am I mad for thinking there are alliances in my own home - we aren’t a family unit.. it’s slowly killing me on the inside
I also need to be clear on a situation that happened during the time “his affair” happened, when we only just separated, I was staying with a good friends family, my girls were with me. During the day all my oldest daughter could do was msg this horrible woman that broke our marriage.. it was soo hard to take as a mother. It enraged me that this woman had turned my daughter against me. Absolutely not my daughters fault, she was young and didn’t understand what this woman was doing. But I lost the plot. In my moment of utter weakness I let rip into my daughter. At the time I really frightened her and she locked herself in a bathroom and I called her father to come get her. I was furious with her (daughter) and him for what was happening. - this has also been a reason which assisted in me loosing her, she has never forgotten that moment and has admitted to me once that she’s hated me for it.
I have been trying to apologise ever since and have vowed to myself to never have an outburst like that as a mother ever again
Hi Hayes Hazard
Whilst I have a 17yo daughter and a 14yo son, as a mum I have not faced the added challenges that you have and are still facing. My heart goes out to you.
I'm just about to go out somewhere and really want to get back to you. I didn't want to lose this post of yours (hence the brief message for now). Will chat soon.
Try to stop beating yourself up so much about having reached the limits of your breaking point (when you vented at your daughter). Sometimes there's only one way to figure out our breaking point when we reach it and that can be discovered through venting like a maniac. You know those moments when you think 'Where the heck did that come from?' Once you know what the breaking point is, you can raise your consciousness in ways that have you avoid reaching it again. I believe you would have realised that you can tolerate far more than you could ever have imagined before that moment happened. You learned of your limit and so did your daughter at the same time.
I suppose the ultimate question, regarding your daughter, comes down to 'How does she want or need to be raised by you?' You've already raised her consciousness to the understanding that you have a breaking point. She has raised you in that moment too, to understand that she sees this as shocking and hard to deal with. It's up to you both as to whether you want to take your consciousness further in understanding what happened.
I raise my kids and they raise me through developing the ability to reason with each other in a mutually respectful way. It's taken me some years to achieve this, due to my own flaws. One of these flaws involved not wanting to face constructive criticism. I now invite it. I don't see this as them criticising me, it's more about them questioning my ways of thinking. I tweak my thinking based on constructive feedback, just as they tweak theirs.
Some outside the square ways to raise your daughter to higher consciousness in the fact she is loved by you could include:
- Buying her a good quality hairbrush as a gift and then suggesting any time she'd like to you brush her hair she can come to you. This is a way of showing her devotion without hugging her and you respectfully give her the choice in coming to you
- Suggesting she ask some friends around and you'll cook a bbq for them all. This way, she feels like it is her house, a respectful gesture toward her. This is way of serving herthoughtfully
- Asking her if there's anything she wants to confront you with that she's having trouble finding the words for. You can offer to help her find the words. This can be a way of finding common ground/developing mutual understanding of the over all situation
It's definitely a challenging task, raising each other. Understanding how each other wants to be raised is a skillful art.
Dear Hayes Hazard~
I'd have to say Therising has given you some excellent advice
It looks to me as if three people need to discover more.
You need to realise you have a breaking point and lashing out at the closest target when losing husband and possibly children is undesirable but human. It happens. There are not many who have not given way to grief, frustration and despair with great anger.
Stop apologizing, I believe to continue to do so reinforces the gap between you and your daughter. If the subject comes up simply agree it was wrong and leave it at that.
Your daughter will in time learn, maybe when the same thing happens to her. I believe the fear she felt at the time is something you, your husband and her younger sister all need to help her realise it was an overreaction -you never meant her harm. Therising's suggestion of talk is a good one.
I don't know how realistic this is but your husband has to realise his actions have consequences and driving people to the brink has been one of them. The requires thought and a desire to make things right, not easy. A more inclusive approach with you and your elder daughter would help.
As an example if he consistently praises your cooking eventually your daughter may ask him why, a good entry point into showing her the sort of person you are and the efforts you make on all their behalf.
I've no idea of how long it might take to get on a sound footing with your daughter, anger and fear are hard to ease away. Patience, love and consistency are I guess all you can offer (together with that hairbrush). Maybe other things have to happen in her life first, however she has not finished growing.