Broke up with my depressed girlfriend... feel extremely guilty

[micky18]

Hey guys.

I'm writing today to get something off my chest and hopefully receive some advice on the subject.

My girlfriend is severely depressed, she has a lot of mental health issues and I've always tried my best to help and be there for her as much as I possibly could. It's a long distance relationship, but she's in an extremely bad place with everything going on with her life, and has been for a long time. Her family emotionally abusive her, her ex (who she has a child with) is emotionally and extremely physically abusive towards her. She doesn't really have a way out and while I've always been there for her throughout these rough times, trying to work through it together, finding a solution and a way out, things are really taking a toll on me mentally after around a year. The relationship (from my point of view) is over. It's starting to make my depression and anxiety return after so many years and I feel really lonely.

We haven't really spent any time together and are constantly fighting or just not speaking to eachother, which resulted in me breaking up with her (I wanted to do it in the lightest way possible... but there is no light way to do something like that). She really is such an amazing person and definitely one of the strongest people I know. I don't say things like that just to be nice, she genuinely is a really amazing person and i feel so much sorrow for her for everything she's going through.

I'm not really good at writing so I hope this is clear! I really feel extremely guilty for breaking up with her, she has expressed I have been the best thing to ever happen to her, she found happiness in me which is something she does not have outside of this relationship. I feel completely shit about this all. I really really really want to help her but being around at this point (after a break up) will only cause more and more pain. Please help me! (and possibly her)

[JessF]

Hello Micky18, long distance relationships are difficult to manage at the best of times, let alone the worst.

Successful relationships need presence from both partners, mentally and physically. When the limited time you do have together is all about conflict, that presence and connection is going to be very difficult to maintain.

It sounds like your girlfriend is in a very tough place, and for whatever reason, she has chosen to remain in a place where she is physically close to an abusive family and ex. There are many reasons why people choose to do this, and unfortunately they need to find their own way out. You cannot be the rescuer, or your own mental health will suffer, as you have started to discover.

You don't say what your fights have been about, but much of your post is about helping her. When it comes to help, there's a few things to consider. I would separate your desire to help with what you can actually do, and then thinking about whether those helping actions would actually be successful. What are you trying to achieve by 'helping' at this point?

I would like to focus on your feelings, as it is you who is posting here and not your ex girlfriend. You've mentioned that you are feeling lonely. That suggests to me that your needs are not being met, and in a relationship it is very important that the partners support each other. Are you hoping that if you give enough, you will eventually get something back and feel less lonely?

I'm not sure if any of this has helped, but hopefully there are some things for you to think about.

[micky18]

She is in a very tough place, she's stranded because she just doesn't know how to get out. She doesn't have a job, doesn't study or anything along those lines. She does want to improve herself but just can't.

Honestly, I feel extremely guilty for breaking up with her. I feel like I've abandoned her and have done the wrong thing by doing so. I really, really wish she didn't rely on me for her happiness.

[Lici]

Hi micky,

First off, let me start by giving you a warm welcome to the forums. It's a very supportive non-jugemental place full of kind caring people. I hope you stay around.

In regards to what you've said about your ex, a few things stood out to me.

A few times now, you've said that she relies on you for happiness. This is an unhealthy way of looking at things and unfortunately none of us are responsible for anyone else's happiness but our own. It may sound harsh, but it really is the truth of the matter. It's horrible what your ex is going through and I understand why you feel guilty, but in the end, the only thing you should be responsible for is your own mental health and well-being. For your ex to say that you're her only source of happiness in life is an enormous pressure to put on you as a person.

Another thing is unfortunately, we can not force someone to get help. Only the person who is going through problems can make the decision to get help for themselves. It seems to me that your ex has been relying on you to get her out of her situation or to be her only source of support and that can really wear a person down mentally. Maybe if you give it some time, you'll be able to offer support as a friend, but it sounds like she needs to remove herself from her situation and to get some professional help via a psychologist or at the very least a GP. You can't do these things for her.

It may sound harsh again, but did your ex tell you that you're the best thing that happened to her and her only source of happiness in life when you broke up with her? Because if so, it kind of sounds like emotional abuse and manipulation. I've had similar experiences with an ex who suffered from BPD and he'd threaten to harm himself etc if I left. In the end I had to walk away for my own well-being. He didn't do anything that he threatened to and went on to live his life. I guess my point is that as guilty as we may feel in these situations, we have to do what is right for ourselves. Sometimes we can care for someone and even love them and know that they are too toxic for our own mental health.

I'm sorry if this hasn't helped much. Please be kind to yourself and take care.

Kind regards,

Lici

[micky18]

Hello, thank you so much for replying!


I couldn’t agree more with you about her relying on me for her happiness. She has gone through so much recently in her life which may cause this (completely understandable), but it really does take it’s toll on me.


She can’t really get help from a GP or psychologist seeing as she takes care of her child full-time, usually without any assistance from anyone, although she did mention going to see one and I urged her to go through with it after some doubt in her mind.


Yes, she did, actually. I’m not sure if it was really manipulation or emotional abuse (it could have been out of desperation). I’m really worried if she may resort to doing something horrible, such as harming herself or god forbid, worse. She has mentioned in the past that if it weren’t for me, she wouldn’t be alive. (She hasn’t mentioned it since I broke up with her however)


I’m so sorry to hear what you went through! I’m glad you got out of it and are both doing well now.

[Lici]

Hi micky,

Thanks for your kind words, they mean a lot. 😊

I understand what you mean about your exes reliance coming from her situation. It is understandable, but you still have done the right thing for yourself and that matters too. Maybe this will be the push she needs to be more proactive about her own health.

In regards to her being a single mother and finding it difficult to see a gp or psychologist, my mum was a single mother for a long time and she caught buses to get to a gp when she needed to. It may be difficult, but it honestly sounds like she's making excuses. I'm sure if she wanted it bad enough, she would catch public transport to see a doctor or even find a psychologist that does home visits (I had a psychiatrist that did this so they do exist).

It may not have been conscious manipulation or emotional abuse on your exes part, but saying those type of things when someone breaks up with you is still not ok and a form of emotional blackmail. So is saying that if it wasn't for you she wouldn't be alive. Honestly, that would bring up huge red flags for me if my boyfriend was to start saying these things. It's very emotionally manipulative language whether she means it in that way or if it comes of a place of desperation isn't the point. The point is you need to look after yourself. You shouldn't be made to feel responsible for someone's happiness or life. That's just not healthy and not what a long-term relationship relationship should be based on.

It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to realise that a relationship should be about having someone that compliments your life. You should want to be with them and have them in your life, but you should be ok if they were not there as well.

If your ex is saying that you're responsible for her happiness and that she wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for you, then she's in a relationship for the wrong reasons and needs to work on herself.

As she's not the one posting, I can only say that you should look after you. Don't feel guilty for wanting to take care of your own mental health. It's hard not to I know, but ultimately you should be the most important person to yourself.

Kind regards,

Lici