Break up

[Imogen2]

It has been six months since my ex ended our 1 year relationship and I can’t seem to let him go. He has blocked me from calling him. It’s a nightmare he is in my thoughts the moment I wake up.

[Tay100]

Hi Imogen2

I'm sorry to hear about your distress regarding your breakup- it can be hard to be able to think of nothing else but them- it can be draining and exhausting. Feel free to use this thread to expand upon more about what happened with you two, if you like, and what you think got you to the emotional place you are in now. There is no pressure, of course. Have you got someone around you can talk about this too? Someone who would understand that things are still tough for you, even a year on?

Let us know how you are going, if you like.
Tay100

[Imogen2]

Thank you. I do have a friend who is very supportive and is helping me to get through today. My ex partner was an old boyfriend that I hadn’t seen for 30 years we reconnected and it was really good for a while but we lived 4 hours apart and the distance apart caused me insecurity and jealousy as he would feed me stories that caused me to doubt him. He is a longtime drinker which exacerbated into the relationship. I wanted to help restore his health which I believe I have.

[Imogen2]

I have to move forward as it has become serious. I will try my best to move on and forget him but still feel very weak. It comes in waves. Thank you for any inspiration it is appreciated.

[Tay100]

Hi Imogen2

Thanks for sharing more details about him, your relationship and your story. And you are right, it does come in waves, and that can make us feel weak, no matter how much we want to move forward. I'm glad you have a friend to support you- definitely lean on them. You could also try and see if you could join a group or find a hobby to help with implementing positive distractions and changes into your life- what might that look like for you? What might be something you can do to help put the focus back on yourself in a positive way?

Tay100

[Imogen2]

Thank you Tay100

I am a Catholic and have not been to church for a long time, but I did when my marriage ended 22 years ago and confession and prayed helped get through that heartbreak water off a ducks back now but my recent break up has made me realise I can’t do it on my own so this week I have made appointment to see a priest to confess my lack of self control in texting my ex partner. Fingers crossed it will work. I believe it will.

Thank you.

[Tay100]

Hi Imogen2

It's good to hear you have such a strong faith that gives you support- and it's good to see you drawing on it now when you need it most, especially if it's been effective for you in the past. I hope the confession gives you the relief and clarity you deserve. Feel free to let us know how it goes, or share anything else about your journey if you like.

Tay100

[Imogen2]

Hello Tay100 Well it did work, confession, and I instantly stopped all contact then 10 days later my ex called me he just was querying my texts (he finally read them all). I felt different. Not needing him anymore. That was 3 weeks ago and I know I won’t hear from him again. I still love him which seems crazy as he was quite cold towards me and verbally abusive in our 14 month relationship.
But - time has passed it is now 7 months since I last seen him as we live 4 hours drive apart from each other when I left up there in March I kissed him goodbye and said I will see you in a week. He rang me that night after I arrived home and broke our relationship off which was a bit weak. He could of done it before I left.

Anyway since then my head is clearer. I see now where I had gone wrong: he doesn’t believe he is but he is an alcoholic. I did help him in regaining some physical health by encouraging him to eat. He drinks daily and once home from club he falls asleep he is so thin but he started to show improvement in his health by eating proper meals again but continues to drink . I should have not pressured him about his feelings for me as I realise now that alcohol has affected his brain. He drinks every day from 11am to late in the evening but he usually sleeps from 6pm until morning so it was lonely for me when I would visit him . He is 60 but looks 70. I still have fits of despair when I just want to die as I feel this strong love for him. I think to myself it’s just emotion so don’t get into it and become emotional so I try to relax and breathe.

[Tay100]

Hi Imogen2

Thanks for getting back to us- although cutting off contact with him can be tough and emotionally taxing, it does seem to have given you some mental clarity and emotional relief. You also did all you could for him to improve his health- you deserve some self-compassion also. When you do get overwhelmed, do you have any strategies to help you manage those feelings in a productive way? You mentioned breathing slowly, which is great- is there anything else you can add?

Tay100

[Imogen2]

Tay100 Oh ashamed to say to help me cope I took up cigarette smoking and have struggled to give it up. I understand now that smoking is addictive. Actually SBS has a documentary coming up on November 10th on “Addictions” so shall be watching. I have only smoked one packet these last two weeks and promise to stop as it did make me feel sick. But the only strategy that works for me is visiting my friend who is a male and seems to really care for me it’s just that I don’t have any romantic feelings for him. I am not ready to open my heart again. I still love my ex partner. I do watch a lot of Netflix movies and documentaries this keeps my mind occupied. Hope that answered your question but I am feeling better today. I am seeing the light into the relationship - reality hurts but it’s best to be honest and to face it. It makes you stronger, just brace and face it seems to be working for me.