Break up, three years on and I am still completely devastated

[TJesse]

Hello,

first time poster.

As the title suggests, three years ago I was dumped. I have tired everyday to move on, I cried to my friends, I cried alone (and still do, regularly), I cried to people I shouldn't have reached out too (ex's fiends), I moved (back home), I went away on holidays, I went back to study and back to hobbies that I loved which I had previously stopped. I have even started seeing someone new.

It does not matter what I do, I am still devastated. I do not feel like I was dumped. I feel like my soulmate died. I feel like I am in a constant state of mourning and I am now beginning to become simply exhausted. I can't feel like this forever. How long can this possible go on for? What am I doing wrong? Time is supposed to heal but somehow it feels like it is getting even harder.

What makes it worse if I can also identify the 'issues' in my last relationship which lead to the breakup. Even though I can identify them it doesn't make it easier or make sense to me. For me it was like a family member - it doesn't matter hat they do wrong you will always forgive them because you love them so deeply. I feel like we should have and would have gotten through anything with time. All relationships are supposed to have ups and downs and you are supposed to work through them and stick by one another.

I have had other long term relationships before, this wasn't my first breakup. That's another factor making it even harder. I have been through breakups, I have been sad, but I have moved on.

This is different. I truly believe there is no way I could feel this way and this not be 'it'/he not be 'the one'. I still love him so deeply, even after years of being apart and no contact. I would be there for him in a heart beat.

I know it is not an option, I believe he moved on soon after the breakup and is happy. Ultimately I love him so much that that is all I want - him to be happy. But how do I go on? I can't be happy and I can't commit to another person. And I am so sick of people telling me it will get better (as I am sure my friends are sick of hearing me talk) after three years with no changes.

I can't feel like this anymore.

[geoff]

Hello TJesse, a warm welcome to you.

I feel sorry for you, but each breakup can be different because it's another person, a change in circumstances and the two of you disagree, so you decide to move on.

This is completely separate because he wanted to move on, yet you still love him and can identify the issues why it happened, I think that's the hard part to try and work out because you want to rectify the situation.

I'm pleased you are in another relationship, however, these issues which you are struggling with, need to be spoken about with your GP and then possibly a psychologist.

To help you ask them about the 'mental health plan', this entitles you to 10 free sessions.

You want him to be happy and he may also feel the same for you, just as we also feel like that.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi TJesse

I welcome you warmly with open arms whilst you are trying so hard to move through your grief.

Whether our grief involves a loved one's passing, the break up of a relationship or a lost sense of self (such as in some cases of depression), understanding grief itself becomes important. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross put pen to paper some years ago in order to share her observations regarding the grieving process she witnessed, during her time of service to those in palliative care. Known as the 5 stages of grief, she observed denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I believe these stages can involve just about any form of grief. In a relationship break-up they may look like this:

• Denying the end of the relationship. Denying loss in regard to our sense of self (that self that was partly defined by the relationship)
• Our anger may relate to our partner 'destroying' our dreams and/or anger in regard to 'allowing' our self to let things get so bad to the point where the relationship ended
• If I/he/we had have compromised more we could have held things together
• In facing the end of a relationship and a sense of loss of self, on top of it all we can be dealing with the chemical changes in our brain that promote sadness and a feeling of hopelessness. This change in chemistry can definitely impact our thought processing. All this has the potential to become a bit of a vicious cycle, with thoughts and chemistry interacting, altering our perception
• In accepting the end of a relationship, we accept that loss of self (a self we experienced in the past and saw in the future). Our acceptance does not just involve letting go of a relationship, it involves letting go of a part of our self we loved so much at times. Considering conscious personal reformation is something we're typically not educated in, whilst growing up, it's no wonder with have such trouble with it

It's easy for others to say 'Things will get better' but they typically don't unless there's some plan of reformation in place. Sounds like you have tried reforming yourself in so many ways, which I deeply admire you for, given your heartbreak, yet the question still remains 'How exactly do we let go of a ghost (the memory of that person or relationship)? Perhaps our lost sense of self is the ghost that haunts us most in some cases. Finding new ways to honor and love our self (aka identify our self with life) becomes the key which helps free us.

Take care TJesse in your process of reformation