Boyfriend with OCD pushing me away

[bkgs1202]

I’m so lost I don’t know what to do. 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1.5 years now, in the most beautiful, healthy, loving, supportive relationship. He suffers from OCD and about 2 months ago he stopped taking his meds and wasn’t seeing his therapist. 

He was pushing me away, saying we weren’t together anymore, but still messaging me and calling and wanting to be around me all the time and be intimate. When he was pushing me away, everything he was saying was textbook relationship OCD and harm OCD, scared of hurting me, how does he know I’m the one, etc. 

We spent 3 days no contact and he broke it to tell me what a huge mistake he had made and how much he loves me and sees our future together and wants to be with me. Then a few days later he said we were moving too fast again and he didn’t want to lose me but didn’t want to be in a committed relationship. 

That night he spiralled again and was quite manic and had some extremely dark thoughts. I didn’t know what to do so i called his parents and had to leave him as I felt me being there was making the situation worse and he kept saying he loves me and want to be with me but needs a 2 week break (common theme he had continued to bring up throughout). We didn’t speak for two weeks until he called and had seen his therapist.

I thought it was all okay between us and we would just need time to take it slow to get back to where we were but now he’s saying he thought i broke up with him when i left two weeks ago, he’s been telling people we aren’t together anymore, and he needs to be alone to work on his mental health and he can’t be dating right now to work on himself. 

He started taking his meds again and now it’s been 6 weeks, but he was only just able to have an appointment with his therapist due to availability.

I don’t know what to do. I want to be with him more than anything, and i would do anything to make it work. The same night he’s telling me he needs to be alone, he’s also acting somewhat normal with me, being romantic and talking about the future using “we” and “us” terms, but saying he can’t give me certainty that he’ll ever be able to be together but if he could click his fingers and flick a switch to be then he would. 

What do i do? I’m feeling so lost and confused and just heartbroken and awful. 

[indigo22]

Hi and welcome,

I can totally understand your confusion, you are getting so many mixed messages.

I have not dealt with OCD or know anyone who has dealt with OCD, I am replying from a purely empathetic point of view and will leave any other advice from another member who may know more about dealing with OCD.

Have you made it clear that you have not left, just stepped aside for a short time to allow your partner to find some even ground?

The only advice I can offer is to decide what you are/are not willing to deal with going forward. If you want to be with your partner long term, you need to be aware that this could happen again in the future and whether you feel you have the internal stamina to deal with it if it does.

While this reply may not be helpful to you, I certainly feel for you.

Take care,

indigo

[bkgs1202]

Hi Indigo,

Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate the support! 

I have tried to make it clear to him that I have not left, I said I am here for him how he needs me to be and I love him unconditionally and I will be here as I have faith in our relationship and in him. 

I just don’t know what to do, I feel so back and forth - I don’t feel he is leading me on or lying to me/manipulating me, but at the same time I am conscious that maybe I am misunderstanding or only believe what I want to believe. 

I don’t know how to tell if I should be there for him and continue to see him and answer his calls etc, or if I should walk away knowing he has said he can’t be in a relationship, and there’s a risk he might never be able to be and I will be strung along.

Should I reach out to him, or wait for him to come to me? 

[indigo22]

Not having any experience with OCD, I am not sure what you should do either unfortunately. If you do decide to reach out, I think you should let him know how confused you are and find out if there is any future in your relationship from his point of view. If he has only just started therapy again, he may not have his thoughts straight yet. Just make sure he knows that you are not willing to be 'strung along' but you are willing to wait a while if that is what he needs. I'm sorry I can't be of more help to you.

[therising]

Hi bkgs1202

I feel for you so deeply as you face such terrible heartbreak, while also trying to hard to find the way forward.

I can't help but wonder whether your partner struggles with inner dialogue, more than anything. If so, has he relayed to you what the inner dialogue actually sounds like? Knowing what it sounds like may offer you greater insight and ways of managing. There's a brilliant book (in my opinion) called 'Insanely Gifted - Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. It's a book that touches on natural facets of our self and the kind of dialogue such facets can produce at times. In thinking of a relatable example: 'The Realist' in us may dictate 'Relationships aren't perfect. They're designed to be challenging, so a to develop us. Don't be so hard on yourself as you're trying to develop through this relationship'. If our partner's dealing with 'The Perfectionist' in themself, it might sound more like 'This relationship is far from perfect. It is too hard and should be much easier than this. You need to find a perfectly easy and perfectly happy relationship'. Or else they could be dealing with 'The Critic' in themself, at high volume, 'You're hopeless. All you do is bring your partner down. They can do much better than you, with all your problems. Ending the relationship will give them a chance to find happiness'.

I've found that while considering the 'facets of self' idea, it can also help explain why we can turn on a dime, when it comes to how our mood can suddenly change. While we could be channeling a really joyful carefree part of our self, we could have a relative who comes to visit who is really good at triggering or bringing to life our harsh and brutal depressing inner critic. Things go from bright and light to dark and depressing in the blink of an eye. In such a case, it pays to channel 'The Wonderer' in our self that may push us to wonder out loud at that relative, 'Do you know why you can be so critical and depressing at times? Personally, I can't help but wonder'.

[randomxx]

Hi there op, how are things going of late ?

Just noticed your thread and l've been dealing with very similar a few yrs now, together over 5yrs all up.

Wish l could give us both the silver bullet but unfortunately l certainly know very first hand how confusing it all is and the big questions like when is it time to walk away and is their anything more to it, like maybe they also just aren't happy in the relationship. This has been suggested to me.

My partner suffered from v deep anxiety and also a lighter depression . The last 2 - 3yrs she's opted out 5 or 6 times saying she can't even look after herself let alone cope with a relationship and that she has nothing to give and all this type of thing.

She'd also been through hell over the first few yrs of us getting together through stuff caused by her ex h , with v serious legal problems that dragged on 3yrs but also housing problems right through it all too and plus dealing with her own mh with it.  She'd usually reconnect with me within days or a wk or so after basically calling us off again but l'd be resigned quite awhile right through that it was her yo yo'ing mh and often circumstances talking more so than from the heart and so l'd tried taking it all grain of salt and just letting her come in and out kind of thing as she did. As well as just being there and supporting her right through it all too.

She'd be full of love and big plans and all about us 1 min next she'd be flipping again and telling me she couldn't do this .

Sadly it's just happened yet again a wk or so back now and after 51'2 yrs of it l'm sorry to say but this one's gonna have to be the last and l'm letting it go.

Your bf kind of has the same sound about him sorry to say , just going on what you've talked about. l'm afraid all l can suggest is riding the wave if you do believe in him , until you can't ride it anymore and make your own decision on things, if it comes to him just continuing with the same old over and over as my gf has done.

Good luck with whichever way you go anyway and let us know how things are going eh.

rx