Boundaries, Family Estrangement and Disownment

[spaceboots]

Hi,

I was recently confronted by my father for the personal boundaries I had put in place to protect my children and myself from my mother, who I believe suffers from undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. While I am understanding and accept her for who she is because she had a very traumatic childhood, I am not willing to allow her to emotionally and psychologically manipulate and abuse my kids (fighting and screaming with my father in front of them, swearing in front of them and trying to play favourites between them). As a result of these boundaries, I have become emotionally distant from my parents, do not allow my children to be with their grandparents alone, and we do not visit their home as they have made it clear that we are not welcomed.

My parents see this as a grave insult for the life sacrifices they have made for me; accused me of being ungrateful, and disagreed that their behaviour is harmful. They have used their older age (50s and 60s) and their culture as reasons to ask if they deserve to be treated like strangers and criminals. Long story short, I told them that my children need to be protected and that if I had to choose, I choose my children over them. They believe I chose myself and "my way" of doing things.

At the end of the conversation, my father told me that every choice has a consequence, and that the consequences of my choice means that we are now strangers. He doesn't feel that "strangers should benefit" from the financial success that he and my mother built together, and we can now be "exes" and should only communicate on a "need-to" basis. He emphasized that he was not using money to manipulate me, but has no other choice and believes that this is the normal "human response". He also added that should he or my mother pass away, that they will not inform me and I will not need to attend their funeral. I told him that he had a right to his decisions, but my door was always open if they changed their minds and want to get help (family therapy).

Obviously this has been a very distressing event for me but I want to know, what happens now? How can I respond in a loving way when I feel so betrayed and angry? Did they HAVE to do this? Was I wrong in setting boundaries? Why can't they hear me? Is it better now that my parents have disowned me? Why bring up the fact that they wouldn't tell me if they passed away? Is this another manipulative abusive tactic? What is the best thing to do?

Thanking you in advance.

[whitefeather]

I have been through exactly what you are going through. You are totally right in your boundaries and protecting your children. Yours and your childrens emotional and mental and physical health always comes first. Your folks would be very much feeling they have no control over you, so I absolutely believe the choices from your father are manipulative. However, as you have said, they are his and your mother's decision, and as painfully sad it is, you do need to respect them. Sadly, the whole family dysfunctional dynamics are at play here. And its contributed in the breakdown of the family relationships. You are right in saying your doors are open if they wish to choose differently. There is always a hope. Focus on creating new and healthy dynamics with your children and the future generations. I praise you in standing strong and standing up for what is right! xx

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Firstly, my apologies to all sufferers of BPD. If you are getting treatment good on you!

This is a sad situation of losing both parents. Sorry to say, there is little chance of a solution.

Every word of evrry post from you Spaceboots, is a carbon copy of my life with my mother except we are 6th generation Australian.

My mother drives wedges between relatives. She ruined my first wedding. Used our loving father as her greatest asset against us. Promised our young childten she'd buy them lollies at a shop thereby getting them alone "does mummy and daddy argue a lot".?

The end came pre my second wedding with another fallout. She mentioned to my daughter she was going to aytend regardless of her not invited. I had no choice, an AVO was obtained to garrantee she not be there.

That was 9 years ago. I havent seen her since. She has her "golden people " around her that have taken her side. Our father died 28 years ago so he isnt a factor.

You can't make her get help. She'll gamble you'll miss your dad enough to lever the situation. The problem is, they are not acting like grandparents should, to sit back and enjoy them. She likes controversy and control.

There has been wonderful replies here. Great you are getting support. Protecting your children is way above giving in to emotional blackmail...think about that.

Your motherhood is hold. Your protection they will love you for it. You are indeed doing the right thing. Well done regardless of the turmoil.

Google

queen witch hermit waif

Beyondblue Topic guilt the tormentor

Beyondblue Topic BPD mother made me an emotional basket case

Beyondblue Topic Emotional blackail- likely extreme BPD

Beyondblue Topic depression and toxic people

TonyWK

[white knight]

Hi again

While it appears the only result in this situation is estrangement from your parent, a big factor is your resilience and robust strength.

For example, can you imagine dining at a venue with your vhildren and your parents say, 4 times a year? During that time you are on the lookout for erratic arguing behaviour (like arguing and swearing) when you shut it down, you accompany your children whenever they walk away to a play area to ensure grandma doesnt take opportunities and you create boundaries like any family issues are to be discussed by phone or messages.

You tell them that you are creating an atmosphere if "family happiness". They are invited to contribute positively towards it.

Beyondblue Topic fortress of survival

Beyondblue Topic fortress of survival part 2

Both of those threads are metaphors for creating boundaries. I hope they help.

TonyWK