blind, sad but stronger

[porcelain]

I have been trying to help my husband for 15 years with depression. It is exhausting and heartbreaking and literally has broken me so many times. Basically I feel alone alot. He can get triggered by nothing it seems and it lasts for a long time. I have been holding out for him to get better and not be so empty so that he could love me, show me love. But it's not going to happen and that's it. He starts watering the plant, getting it to grow only to through toxic waste on it at random moments and destroy it (metaphor). Some of the hurtful awful bull**T things he has said to me, seems to be engrained into my mind. I feel like I have to try to get any affection from him to get what I crave. In his eyes I will be always the problem, which in itself is like a slap in the face, as I have been there for him and helping him forever. In contrast if I have problems or are feeling down, he is not the one to go to. I have had an ephiphany last week, that I have exhausted myself, I know what I want, what expectations I have and I will not tolerate treatment like this anymore. What will happen though? I don't know....

[Doolhof]

Hi porcelain,

Supporting a person with depression and being the person suffering from depression can be equally exhausting for different reason.

Both my husband and I have various mental health issues including depression. It can be so tiring and frustrating.

I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes we can love, care for, try to assist and help a person to the point where we are exhausted and feel like we are being taken for granted.

I hope sharing your thoughts here helps. Would you also consider using a phone support service to talk to someone like here at Beyond Blue or Lifeline? Maybe even Relationships Australia.

Are there things you can do for yourself to help you feel better about yourself? Do you have hobbies and interests you enjoy?

Is your husband getting help and assistance for his depression?

The Beyond Blue site has information on depression and how we can help those suffering from it and how they can better help themselves. There is information on how to look after yourself as well.

As a person who has sat on both sides of the fence I can understand your frustration. We just want a person with depression to feel better and to be able to get on with life and that is what the depressed person desperately wants for themselves.

Wishing you well in all of this, regards from Dools

[Guest_3256]

Afternoon porcelain,

Wow - you must be feeling so overwhelmed, feeling hurt, rejected and not acknowledged. It sounds to me that you are walking on eggshells and this can be such an exhausting and emotional cycle to live in, especially when you try and try and try and the they just never stop their irresponsible behaviour. Your may even start to lose yourself as a person. But their inappropriate behaviour needs to stop. They need to undemand and accept that this behaviour is not healthy and cannot continue. Your health and wellness is paramount and your partner needs to take care of you in a healthy manner. Your partner needs to also take responsibility for his actions and have humility about your relationship, weather he suffers from depression or not. For you though, it's important to take of yourself and seek some support to help improve your wellness. You both need to work together to overcome your obstacles and build a healthier relationship.

Stay well to yourself - let us know how you're doing - you're stronger than you realise.

Be brave, fight bravely.

🙂

[porcelain]

Follow up .

I went into a numbness and could not speak or be in the same room with him. His energy crushed me .

I eventually made the decision to leave. I felt amazing freedom and hope. There are so many possibilities now.. I lived with him for a little while with our kids and even then I was being controlled. I then left and feel so free. I don't play a victim, it's never helpful..I know my boundaries were non existent and I myself allowed so much to happen.. I have myself back and discovered that the person I have been for so long was not my true authentic self... My lesson. You can care for someone but you must always put yourself first. Boundaries. You must have them rock solid. Practice saying no to the things that cross them . Practice being bold in this with everyone in your life. You can do this respectfully and kindly. 

Love every moment spent with good natured people that bring you peace. Sooth your troubles. This could be anyone and anywhere. Accept support and reach out before it takes you out of yourself if possible. Expect the best from your relationships. Work on miscommunication. Do not tolerate boundaries being crossed repeatedly. 

Work on loving you. Speak kindly to yourself. Work on yourself this is key, you have this to control always. Repair and rebuild. Your strength and resilience. Be excited about the outside world from this situation. There is a whole world beyond.  With many many opportunities.

Love love love to you all ❤️

[geoff]

Hello porcelain, you are exactly right, all we can do is try and help the one who is depressed, but if nothing works, then your priority is to then look after yourself, because the more we become embroiled in problems with them and not able to solve them, then it does affect how we are feeling.

Embrass yourself and develop other skills to help yourself.

Geoff.

Life Member.