Blame game

[Ashmar]

Hi, I can’t seem to find a solution to this problem of blaming in my relationship. Everything that goes wrong is ALWAYS my fault. I am the type who will try and find a solution or a reason why, so when I do this…I get blamed for excuses or not owning up as well! Nothing is ever his fault, even when it was initiated by him. Let’s take a hypothetical example… He introduced heroin and I partook. I got addicted, so now everything is my fault: the police raid, the screenshots on my phone that incriminated him, his loss of work, his hefty court costs and fines, but never ever the fact that he gave me and showed me how to use a syringe for the heroin in the first place. (No I have never done heroin in my life)

 am a late discovery ADHD, PTSD and MAJOR Depression Disorder person. I suspected something wasn’t right after my adult child was diagnosed as well. I also suspect that my blame-shifting partner is a narcissist. He lacks any type of empathy or emotion except when he was love-bombing at first early on.

How do I attempt at fixing this???

[Valmaniallo]

Hey, I'm really sorry you're going through this. Blaming in a relationship can be incredibly frustrating, especially when it feels like everything is being placed on your shoulders. It's tough when you're trying to find solutions and reasons, but it feels like your efforts are being dismissed.

I can relate to some of what you're saying. I also have ADHD and have struggled with feelings of blame and responsibility in my relationships. It can be really challenging to navigate, especially when there are other factors at play like PTSD and depression.

It sounds like your partner might be lacking in empathy, which can make resolving these issues even more difficult. Have you considered couples therapy or individual therapy for yourself? It could be a way to explore these dynamics and find strategies to cope and communicate effectively.

Remember to take care of yourself and prioritize your well-being. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel heard and valued.

[Croix]

Dear new member~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum, a good place to get outside perspective on matters.

From your description it looks like your partner is the type of person that sweeps your off your feet with a pretend personality at the start and then shifts more and more of the blame for everything in life onto you.

I'm not sure there is much yoou can do to change this, while you may try couples counceling if that is his personality then I doubt it will change. It sounds like a form of abuse and as a result may I suggest you contact the experts in family abuse, 1800RESPECT, who will be able to give you an idea of what you are actually facing and what you can do.

As a person htat has to cope with ADHD, PTSD and depression , and sadly your son has a diagnosis too, may I ask if you are receiving medical help? I know I never managed to improve until I did.

I also hope that oyu have someone in your life, family or a friend perhaps, to give you personal support. Not necessarily to fix anything, but listen and care.

You will be welcome here anytime

Croix

[therising]

Hi Ashmar

I think one of the most challenging things in life can involve waking up to the nature of our relationship with someone. It can take years to wake up or become more conscious in some cases. Once we start, the revelations that follow can come one after the other, with the ultimate question becoming 'How could I have missed this, how could I have been so asleep to things?'. Combine this with the ultimate quest in life, the quest for greater self understanding (which can hold a heck of a lot of questions) and things can begin to take a very different turn. Suddenly the path begins to look different and another question presents itself 'Okay, so where to from here?'.

I can recall asking someone about a year ago 'How do you manage when you and your partner aren't traveling so well together?'. Their response was along the lines of 'When you begin to wake up and become more conscious, your partner also has the opportunity to become more conscious. Ideally, you do this together. While you can try and lead them to become more aware, they'll either accept the challenge or they won't. If they choose not to accept, not to become more aware, not to develop, not to change, you will begin to feel the separation'. Basically, you can find yourself on 2 completely different paths.

From my own experience, with my 22 year marriage, when I began to wake up and become more of an observer (rather than an emotional participant), a whole new reality came to light. In this new reality, I began to feel the need to question. Some of the questions I've presented to my husband 'Why can you not give me a valid reason for things most times and why can you not see, feel and accept my reasons, which I put great thought and consideration into? Why do you refuse to take responsibility for difficult challenges, especially emotional ones, and why do you leave me alone to work out these challenges?' and the list goes on. The response would typically be 'I don't know' or 'That's just me'. When prompting further thought and discussion, I would typically be met with 'Look, do we really need to talk about this?' or 'I don't want to talk about this anymore'. While I wouldn't label my husband as a narcissist, he's definitely an avoider of what is uncomfortable for him. He serves himself through a sense of comfort. This kind of behaviour from a partner can become depressing. When I began to look back over the years, I realised a number of periods in depression for me were based on my partner's depressing behaviour. One of the greatest revelations I've had over the years: It was not my fault I could feel his behaviour, my greatest challenge involved my ability to feel. Now, how to work with such an ability in constructive ways? Definitely a challenge when you can feel what people say to you, when you can feel their inaction an when you can feel their resistance to evolving in exciting and positive ways.