Bit scared

[Mum Chris]

Under a lot of stress and my support network has let me down.

Home is a lot and I had a couple of friends that I could be with and pretend life was good. I can't stop crying and I am desperate to keep a happy face at home. My friends have really let me down and I'm more upset than I should be. In my mind I know they are human and not perfect but it's hurt me. I'm old and so are they and they have acted like children and I'm excluded from some outings and they can only see me on their terms.

I'm allowing people to hurt me at home and at work. How do I get strong and not feel so emotional. I need to harden up. Be tough. My husband threatened to divorce me unless I did what he wanted and then my friends let me down. I'm not going to do what he wants because I don't agree. Sorry for being vague. On top of it may lose my job. So probably normal 2020. I'm on all the meds I can take and been to therapy evidently I am doing all the right things but geez I'm tired.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Mum Chris,

Welcome back to the forums. We're glad you decided to reach out here tonight. We can hear that you're going through quite a lot at the moment and we can understand that this would leave you feeling exhausted. Please know that you're not alone and there is support available to you. 

We're concerned to hear that your husband has threatened to leave you unless you do what he wants. That sounds like an unhealthy dynamic. Please know that you have the right to be treated with respect and make your own choices. You might be interested in getting in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.

Can we ask if you are you currently receiving mental health support, or have you in the past? If not, we would urge that you do seek professional support to help you work through these feelings and experiences. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way.

Thanks again for reaching out tonight. Hopefully a few of our members will be by over the next few days to offer some words of kind advice.

 

[Aaronsis]

Hi Mum Chris

Your post jumped out at me as I have just gone through a similar experience with "expectations" lets call it that. I am going to try to get all this in one post so bear with me...lol

Firstly, I believe our thoughts control our feelings, you say you feel let down by your friends, I know it is an expectation that others SHOULD be there for us and SHOULD understand us but in reality they don't always do that. We never know what others are going through and maybe they are not in a place to support you at this time. Which is hard to hear but we cannot rely on others to "fix" us or to create happiness for us. We do need to dig down deep inside to find what in life makes US happy, what makes us tick and call on those things, it may be music, it may be reading or exercise or knitting or whatever, but whatever talks to your soul is what you need to call on now.

You are very right in that we are all human, we are not perfect and also it is not our job to fix others. This is the expectations we put on our friends or family members but what a burden to put on someone, "you have to make me feel better"...no....if they can support us and want to join in the journey that is wonderful, we welcome that with open arms but if it is not an "expectation" we can move through the processes to find what it is in life that makes us happy.

I want to also mention you said "I am more upset than I should be"...how upset should you be? Why is it wrong to hide this, it is fine to cry, to let it out and to have bad days. Maybe some time to sit with your feelings to create a list of things that do bring you true joy, call on these to help you in these times.

This will then start to create the strength in you, the happiness and the joy that you have created for you, after all, you are the only one who can make you truly happy. I agree you should NEVER do what anyone wants if it does not feel right for you, EVER. I also believe in gut feelings and if it feels off it usually is. Listen to that feeling.

We are here for you Mum Chris, to chat and to support you.

I am so sorry that you feel you have not got anyone to lean on during this time, but we are here.

I hope to chat to you some more Mum Chris.

Hugs to you

Sarah

[Mum Chris]

Thank you for the reply and the information. I have had some professional help with anxiety and PTSD. I will call those numbers I was googling relationships counselling today

Your message started the tears again it was very sweet and very nice and comforting

Im just very tired at the moment and I feel isolated. No one really knows what is happening with me because I put on a happy face. I'm hiding it because my family fall apart if I don't keep it together.

my husband has put up with a lot from my son and him wanting to have a life without him is understandable but I know my son is damaged and I know he takes advantage of us sometimes I may have to tell my husband to go if it a choice I choose my son he's always known that I was very clear love me love my family and he does but he says he has reached his limit

I knit for relaxation and to relieve stress and as I write this I am starting to feel calmer.

I realised today what has happened with my friends is bullying and they may not see it that way but it is and what my husband is doing is bullying too I made a beautiful dinner last night and he had no comment on it couldn't say lovely darling I feel like I've fallen down a hole and I can't get back.

I'm not real sure how I got this low. Thank you for your kind post.

[Mum Chris]

Sarah thank you for the reply

well floodgates are open I'm definitely true to my feelings I've cried a river

I have been bullied indirectly through my friends and it hurt. My husband is being a bully he's withholding affection and making threats. He gets right in my face and I go to water. Truthfully I'm not liking the people around me. My husband is not violent and I don't fear him but we don't agree and he is drinking like a drunk and blames our home life and me. He needs help and I can't help him.

Son is doing a lot better but still has days he doesn't leave his room and he's struggling with anxiety.

My normal reaction is to run but I can't

what I got from your post is I have to find my happiness and to be honest I have lost me. I have no power over me seems so hard and so impossible at the moment. I need to forge new friendships and set myself some goals. Something to work towards

i used to go out and do things and thank you I was upset terribly and still am lol

thank you for the post and I probably don't make much sense. I'm a bit scattered.

[Aaronsis]

Hello Mum Chris

You sure do have so very much on your plate at the moment and I am wondering if you feel you could reach out to one of the support lines that are available to have a chat to someone and get these feelings out, to get some support and some comfort through this time.

It is hard to find what makes us happy, at least it is for me and I am on this journey too, so when people ask what makes you happy or what do you do to make yourself happy, I didn't really know either. I have been doing some great work in this space and it does take work for some of us. I would love to chat to you some more about that if you like.

I am glad that you are able to cry, to get the feelings out and be able to express yourself. While it is not great you are crying it is important to feel these things so you can perhaps identify what is making you sad, to name it so you can then work through it, this also takes some work.

It hurts so much when our friends let us down and even more so when they treat us badly. I would have to consider how much you do want these people in your life if they are bullying you. I would have to ask myself if these people are positively contributing to my life or not. You don't deserve to be treated poorly Mum Chris and it is time to let those people know that. You can say no and you can say please dont speak to me like that. You can let them know the way that they behave hurts you. Or you may just choose to walk away.

With your husbands drinking, I know only too well how that impacts a marriage and also a family. However whilst it is your role to support your husband it is not your role to fix him. If he will not accept some help or to at least reach out for some help then unfortunately you have to ask yourself if that is acceptable for you? If the answer is no then what steps do you need to take to make is acceptable. Is leaving the relationship an option, or even some time away for him to get some help.

There are some wonderful resources for people who struggle with alcohol addiction Mum Chris and if you wanted to provide him with some of that I can put some links here, but ultimately it is up to him to seek the help. I know that is hard to hear.

Hugs to you and I hope you can find one small thing today for you, to make you smile. Even if it is sitting in the sun with a cup of tea or taking a small walk to refresh, something that is for you.

Cheers

Sarah