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Big fight now feel nothing

Lost27
Community Member
Hey everyone I need help,

So my bf was abused when he was younger and attached himself to lying to save himself and has become a habit and never had an adult or anyone to teach him to become an adult. He is not abusive or anything he loves with everything. This I know. Now fast forward to being with me o have had to help if with being an adult like money budgeting and not being so lazy which I know some people need help with. But the proble is he has lied to me quite a few times. Yes, they arent massive lies but I have told him how any type of lie hurts and the truth is always much better then me finding out because I always do. He says everytime he wont do it again and that the reason he does it is because he is scaredbwhay I am going to react and he used it as a coping mechanism when he was young. For example I kept asking if he had messaged his grandfather over and over and kept saying no until he said he that he did and come up with this whole conversation he had. Which never happened. After I while I said that I would take I anymore that one more time and I'm gone.

Then fast forward a month or so we where talking about him graduating college and kept making up thinks like he doesnt have his degree because his parents have it then it was he never printed it to he only did online classes. He said he was worried i would think less than him if he did just on line classes than normal college. I wouldnt care either way. This time I said I was done doing this and that we need a space for a bit so I can think. We didnt sleep in the same bed and I'm not allowing kissing or anything. I think this time he really thinks I'm going to go. I dont even know I'm really confused. I feel like I should go because I said last time I would but I dont know. He said he will show me and he said has been stupid and it has been really hard to brake these habits but he does not want to lose me and he never wants to do this again and needs to grow up. He has gotten better. He was worse off when I was first was with him. He has grown into such an amazing man.

But at the moment I am confused with how I feel. Half of me wants to kiss and cuddle him but then half of me feels so numb. Like I feel nothing. I dont understand what I am feeling or what to do. I understand they arent massive lies or chetching but it still hurts and I'm just ahh

Please help
3 Replies 3

Helarctus
Community Member

Hello Lost27,

It sounds like a difficult situation, if he has acknowledged that his lying is an issue and is truly working on correcting the behaviour then there is hope. However, as long as there is only minimal consequence for him to bend the truth, he will likely continue to do so for as long as it keeps things going to his advantage.

Having the separation and space for you both to step back and look at the relationship, what isn't working and what is and then deciding what you need to do for yourself and your health and wellbeing is a good thing.

You aren't responsible for him and his choices. While little lies might be tolerable on occasion or annoying or upsetting, it does, unfortunately raise suspicions (which may or may not be unfounded) about what other lies there may be around that he has told to others and you and chasing everything up to fact check him is an unnecessary exhaustion you probably don't have time for.

There are a few threads on here about support for people who are compulsive liars that may be of assistance in seeing what other options may be available to you.

Regards,

Helarctus

Lost27
Community Member
Thank you so much.

I think I am confused as well because I feel kind of numb now. It's like I see the life we built and I love being around him and he makes me happy and excepts me for me and love being with him but I dont really feel like I used to and that worries me. I feel different or numb or nothing Idk. Because I want to go back to the way I felt and I'm not sure if it's just a emotion hangover or aftermath or that's my body saying I dont want to be with him anymore

Helarctus
Community Member

No need for thanks, just attempting to provide a sounding board.

Heraclitus said, "You cannot step into the same river twice, for other waters are continually flowing on."

Things, therefore, cannot be the same as they were because events have occurred, perception has shifted and understanding has changed.

The question you appear to be asking, "Now that things are back to how they were, can we be together?" may not be the question you should be asking, because the river has flowed on.

You can try asking, "Knowing what I know now, being with this person, is this a good/healthy decision for me?"

Regards,

Helarctus