Best friend doesn't want to be friends anymore

[mechanical_animal]

Hey I recently got into a situation where my best friend and I stopped being friends. My girlfriend and I where going through a very rough time and well I developed feelings for another girl who just happened to be my best friend. I told my girlfriend and my best friend about it. My girlfriend wasn't all that upset about it. I think because I never acted on it helped in that area. Where as my best friend pretty much abonandoned us. Once my girlfriend and I finally sorted all our issues out we both decided that the other girl could be friends again with us. I managed to speak to the other girl. At first she was all for trying to fix everything between us. Then a few weeks later. Changes her tune and doesn't want to know me anymore. It's really upset me and my girlfriend thinks she is an ahole now because of it. I would love to maybe speak to her again but I think I need to get over her and the thought of us being friends again. I just feel she is just going to keep hurting me. Mentally at this stage. I ain't there yet to deal with this

[SubduedBlues]

Hey there M.A.

Quite a thought provoking situation you have here.

On one hand, I am thinking that perhaps your BFF feels uncomfortable about coming between you and your GF, and finds it easier to avoid that awkward state where she has to be in the same room with the two of you -- knowing that she caused a rift that almost cost you your relationship.

On the other hand, I am thinking maybe your BFF feels rejected that you chose your GF over her, and finds it easier to avoid that awkward state where she had to be in the same room with the two of you -- knowing that your GF has what she almost had, but didn't get.

Whichever it is, my advice is to give your BFF the time and space she needs to come to terms with what has transpired. And, determine if she can accept it and still be friends. You're going to have to wait for her to come back on her own accord -- as likely another interjection by yourself is likely to further the divide between you and less likely to bring you back closer to where you were before.

Good luck mate, and hope you are able to find a peace with your friend once more.

SB

[geoff]

hello MA, I think SB has nailed it when he says 'another interjection by yourself is likely to further the divide between you'.
By this other girl trying 'to fix things between you and your g/friend could only mean that she is really interfering, although the idea will work in many other occasions, but because of what has happened and how it has happened, you have to try and forget about her, otherwise your g/friend will make a decision, one that you don't want to hear.
We make friends over time but there does come a time when we have to cut that connection. Geoff.

[mechanical_animal]

Thanks for the advice. I think I am best of letting her go. Even thou my girlfriend is happy for us all to be friends again. I know my best friend will more than likely hurt me again. I need to think about my mental well-being for the time and need to some how stop dwelling on what happened. Just wish there was an easier way to do this without feeling so guilty about it. So guilty from knowing what I did has caused all this. Knowing I can't fix this makes it even harder. Just wish I could except it without feeling hurt

[Apollo_Black]

I'm sorry to say this but I see a number of issues with your story. Is this the same best friend you had a crush on in January? If this is the same person - first of all I don't think your GF would be cool with you having a crush on her even if she says she doesn't. Call me old school but I'd be pretty wary of any guy who has a female best friend. There's always the fact that she's a girl and you're a boy. I wouldn't know of a huge amount of women who'd be cool with this. If it is the same girl, you did have a crush on her and told them both about it. I don't really see any other end to the story than what actually happened, ie: your best friend bailed.

And now she's back on the scene and it's problem time again. I think it's pretty obvious why this is all happening. So it's either keep your current GF and ditch the other girl or vice versa. You can't have both. Perpetuating this will only make you feel more guilty. I don't think your GF deep down would be happy with this friendship. She may be wanting to please you if you've been talking about it etc.. Time to move on

[mechanical_animal]

But your not my GF so you don't know what she thinks... sorry but I have to say that story of "you can't have be friends with people of the opposite sex" just shows trust issues. I'd be very iffy of anyone that has that problem as it is controlling. People can't help feelings for other people. I never acted on it. As the thought made me feel bad. People don't have on or off switches. Which is something I can't say the same for alot of "old school" people. Can tell you about plenty of old school people that actually did act on that. Something I can honestly say I never acted on. If I did. Me and my Gf would not be together​. Look at yourself before you judge others to see if you are so perfect. I came here for help. Not abuse. I won't post here again as I am very dissatisfied with this response I have received. Perhaps you should also work on your people skills that's my advice to you

[Apollo_Black]

I'm sorry you took offense to what I said. It wasn't intended. I certainly wasn't judging you. My point was that having a BF of the opposite sex often causes issues when you are in a relationship. You said it yourself, you developed feelings for your BF, and even though you didn't act on it problems occured in the relationship with your GF. I don't have an issue with having BF of the opposite sex, however you need to be careful when you're in a committed relationship. It's not an issue of control. But it is an issue if a partner expresses concern about the friendship and the other partenr ignors the concern.

May I remind you that this is a public forum. The help/advice/comments you receive here are not from trained professionals in relationship counselling etc. You need to be able to sift through what is useful to you and what is not. My "comment" to you was that you may not be able to sustain the relationship with your GF and your BF given the recent history and your feelings for you BF. I'm not sure how this could be interpreted as abuse. I hope you get the help you need.

[Doolhof]

Hi Mechanical Animal,

I'm not sure if you are still around or not. I would just like to comment of feelings of guilt, rejection, hurt, frustration and all the other emotions that can be thrown up at us. I find that when my depression is is an issue all of these emotions feel 10 times worse than they would on a normal day.

Loosing someone or something we care for deeply can hit us emotionally. I have found it is very helpful to try to deal with the negative emotions and not stuff them down inside of me. When I do that, they sometimes burst out of me at inappropriate times and I end up causing other people pain to help disguise my own.

Emotions and feelings are very much a part of us every day. Hopefully you will find a way to let go of the feeling of guilt and to work on your mental health as well so you find a sense of peace within you.

Cheers from Dools