Intercontinental long distance relationship-and struggling
Well, Hi all.
I thought, from reading the others, that I should give a bit of background. My partner and I had been dating for 9 months when she finally left across the globe. I didnt have any say in length of stay, as two options were given, I was told only 1 was offered. The relationship was on iffy grounds when she left(unsure if she wanted to keep options open). Since she left, she has realised that this is it, she made a mistake being unsure and wants to get engaged upon her return. My issue is this. We talk a few times a day (5-30 min max) and once a week we have a date night. Now I take date night seriously. If i was scheduled to perform an open heart operation on our date night, I would postpone the operation. For me, I dont feel fulfilled with the amount we chat, but she does. We dont really get passed the "fluff" of a phone call (the good mornings, how did you sleep, what are you wearing) part of the phone call before it is time to hang up. She then takes off on trips with her housemates (no chance of anything untowards happening). Im not concerned about infedelity, but rather, Im not there to join in the activity, to have a proper date. I was told that is spontaneous person, who has anxiety over planning things for fear of missing out on something, and me, a planner, realising that not having concrete plans on times to talk, and just talking when our schedules meld (which if it was every two weeks, she would be fine with) blows my mind. I plan so we reconnect as a couple. She has been gone 7 months now, and I have gone out to visit her once.
I guess Im asking for suggestions/stories/advise on ways I can cope with the difference in attitudes. To allow her the ability to discover that part of the world, while I sit here, unable to share experiences with her. I feel as I am a slight burden on her. Talking to me forces her to potentially say no to something else.
She is due to finish her classes in less than 70 days, and will be flying back straight away. I want her to be able to go on side trips (which are a fair few this month) without worrying about me "losing my crap" because I cant have a date night for a couple weeks, "even though we talk a few times a day" (which are all fluff).
Hope it kinda made sense
Whether your g/friend/partner has anxiety 'for fear of missing out on something', to me this arrangement certainly wouldn't allow for the two of you to get engaged, because talking for 5 to 30 minutes a day doesn't allow for much communication, and then she takes off on trips without even asking you, certainly doesn't show much love for you.
I wouldn't be at all happy and if you do get engaged then married, I think that you would be disappointed in what goes on, whether you know or whether you don't.
Two people get engaged and then married because they can't keep their arms, smiles and kisses from each other, they are besotted, infatuated with their partner, and would never go away on trips without their partner, they could never stand to be far away from the person they love.
If she finishes her classes in 70 days and then flying back straight back raises big concerns here. Geoff.
On the face of it you are two very different sorts of people. Also you imply that whilst there were two proposed lengths of absence you had one hidden from you, do you think that was on purpose?.
Geoff has given what I think is pretty good advice. You only have superficial contact with her and a date means two different things for each of you.
I do know that successful partnerships, by and large, happen when the people involved had had time to get to know each other properly, and then decide to join together. And as Geoff says they could never stand to be far away from the person they love.
While a real downer for me to say it I would suggest not rushing into an engagement as soon as she returns but take the time for you both to be together first, until you are both more than comfortable with the idea of a lifetime together.
Bear in mind this means giving support and receiving support. Both parties have to understand the needs of the other.
I do hope things work out for you, feel free to post again should you wish to
Whilst i don't have much to say on this thread i would love to follow it as i will be going away for an extended period of time away from my partner and would like to see the advise given and how you feel (being in a similar position to what my partner will be) and hopefully learn what not to do whilst i am away..
I wish you the best of luck but please do not rush into anything when she returns. i feel as though you are very fresh into the relationship and she may be using the 'engagement' card to keep you in the relationship under her terms, not mutually. you both need to spend more time actually together and get to know each other before you put yourselves through such a commitment.