Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

Gloss Help needed in dealing with my copycat mother-in-law
  • replies: 3

Hi all, I'm wondering if anybody has some feedback on an ongoing issue I have with my mother-in-law. She is a fabulous woman who loves her family dearly and will do anything for us however, it seems to be that she copies me a lot in places I go and f... View more

Hi all, I'm wondering if anybody has some feedback on an ongoing issue I have with my mother-in-law. She is a fabulous woman who loves her family dearly and will do anything for us however, it seems to be that she copies me a lot in places I go and friends that I make. For instance, if my husband and I start going to a new pub, you can rest assure that the in-laws will soon follow. We have done this with a few places we go, when we stop going they stopped going within a couple of weeks. Then we start going somewhere different, then they are soon visiting the same place and not only that, they are signing up to be members as well . The one thing that irritates me more than anything and according to my husband, she has practically done this her whole life is, if I say I'm not going out to such and such tonight she says neither am I. If I change my mind, guess what? She changes. her mind too. Most of the time she's very easy to get along with and I do love to hang out with her but the copycat behaviour is starting to really get to me. Any advice would be fantastic

Sunny_Dayz Already depressed and now husband is leaving me, my world is shattered
  • replies: 6

I suffer from depression and anxiety and lately my depression has hit an all time low, most likely because my husband and I have been fighting bad for a couple of weeks. Today I went out on my own (without my two young children) and found myself not ... View more

I suffer from depression and anxiety and lately my depression has hit an all time low, most likely because my husband and I have been fighting bad for a couple of weeks. Today I went out on my own (without my two young children) and found myself not wanting to go home, I didn't want to go home and fight more. Well I got home and sure enough my husband and I fought and it was bad. Already feeling extremely depressed i left and found myself taking myself to the hospital for help, I literally felt like I wanted to die. While in the hospital emergency room waiting area (my husband knew I was there at this point) my husband calls me and tells me that he can't do this anymore and doesn't want to be with anymore and that were over. I broke down and walked up to the window unable to breath where they then took me through and talked me through a massive panic attack, after I calmed down they gave me some medication. I called my mum to come up and she did which helped too. I spoke to the psychologists who were not particularly helpful and who made it very clear that if I attenpt anything I would lose my children. I was discharged and am now staying with my parents for tonight while husband is home with the kids. He says he will continue to pay all bills while I stay living there and that I can continue to use the car. He continues to send mixed messages saying he doesn't want to be together but says "I love you" on the phone and is wanting to still go to marriage counselling with me. He also made a comment about wanting to sleep on my side of the bed tonight because it smells like me. My world just feels like it has shattered and I have no idea how to get through this. I never saw this coming, him leaving me, he's literally my everything. How do I get through this, what do I do, I'm not ready to give up on us but he says he doesn't even want to try. How do survive this.

Koor Selfish people
  • replies: 3

Hi Everyone, I am new to this platform. I am in my mid thirties; completed my PhD last year. The reason I mention this is to suggest my cognitive abilities are alright. And I am in the stage of life where I can perceive, churn and understand. I am lo... View more

Hi Everyone, I am new to this platform. I am in my mid thirties; completed my PhD last year. The reason I mention this is to suggest my cognitive abilities are alright. And I am in the stage of life where I can perceive, churn and understand. I am loving, understanding and giving. However, most people (friends, cousins, in-laws) around me are selfish, vocal about their own needs, demanding and not at all in the frame of mind to listen to my point of view or accept I can be offended. This is ok because I have come to understand this is how people are. The problem is I take it to my heart, get hurt, feel the pain, sulk and cry. I get migraines and depression. I am unable to understand why people behave in certain ways. I am unable to forgive them and move on. I hold onto it tight. I feel the urge to tackle such people and tell them their ways are unacceptable. However, no one accepts and my urge and the associated depression grows. I feel let down, insulted and sick - mentally and physically. Why are people so undeserving and why do I hold it close to my heart? My partner and my dad have immensely helped me to get out of this overwhelming cyclone of thoughts. But apparently they have now given up. I am disturbing them without improving. I am sure no one cares. Why do I at the cost of my health? I need help. I want to be normal. Please help. Much appreciated

murmahs Desperately Seeking Advice.
  • replies: 1

In 2010 my partner & I separated after 13 years (his decision) we have two daughters together who are now 13 & 16. We separated due to his inability to stand up to his interfering family (though he would disagree). An example of this is that for 6 ye... View more

In 2010 my partner & I separated after 13 years (his decision) we have two daughters together who are now 13 & 16. We separated due to his inability to stand up to his interfering family (though he would disagree). An example of this is that for 6 years his brother in law would touch me up, tried to kiss me on many occasions and told me he loved me but my ex would never confront him or even try to stop him as he did not want to upset his baby sister. When we separated he refused to assist with the final payments for the house, went and found himself a home and left me and the children homeless. I was left no other option than to send the kids to him while I got back on my feet. After 18 months the girls came home to me but during the 18 months I would spend 4 out of 7 days at his house to be with the kids. His parenting is tough and he is very abrupt towards the girls and now they don't want to spend time with him because he won't listen to them. They told him recently that at a family function they felt uncomfortable around his brother in law as he kept looking down my 16yr old daughters top and also moved his seat so that he could get a better view. He not only did nothing about it but on the next visit made them go to another family gathering knowing this man would be there.I should mention that both of my girls suffer from panic attacks and anxiety but he says it doesn't exist and they they just use it as an excuse to not go to school. I have tried so hard to get him to help and to change his ways as the girls desperately want a relationship with him but he does not listen. The girls are too scared to tell him themselves and he refuses to go to counseling as it says its their issue to sort out and that when they are ready to tell him then they need to come to him. Today my baby girl begged me not to leave her at school and it was so hard to walk away from her. I called him and begged him to please make things right for them as they are suffering but he simply blamed me and said "That's your opinion" to everything I said. I am so lost and am now sitting here in tears for my girls because I see it is hurting them and I watch them battle on a daily basis to just go to school. There is so much more to this story that I will explain later if need but for now, someone please tell me where to start. I want to help my girls to be happy again, they are my everything. Please feel free to ask any questions.

ccooper Relationship Anxiety
  • replies: 13

I've been with my partner for about 18months, we had a really rocky start... He knew my previous relationship ended because I cheated which I felt horrendous about, and had more issues about the amount of sexual partners I have had (under 20) but he ... View more

I've been with my partner for about 18months, we had a really rocky start... He knew my previous relationship ended because I cheated which I felt horrendous about, and had more issues about the amount of sexual partners I have had (under 20) but he considered it too many and just wouldn't talk to me and made me feel really bad about myself... made me delete certain ppl from social media.. And he also threatened to break up with me for not sleeping with him enough... And he has bad anger issues.. That mixed with my own issues of anxiety/depression... When we had fight i would have an anxiety attack and he would just get angry at me for them saying i was playing the victim.Anyway, things have been a lot better for about 4 months and he wants to start planning trips etc together for the end of the year, but i'm really apprehensive and scared.. I don't know why? I love him, but I'm scared that it won't last, or something will happen. I feel like i can't talk to him because he's really sensitive and gets offended quite easily. Will this go away? why am i like this

Goofy41 I'm the one with depression but need advise to support my husband
  • replies: 12

This isn't easy. I have had depression for about 10 years now and have managed it ok on and off over the years. My husband of 6 years has been amazing at supporting me and trying to keep me happy. He has been amazingly generous with his time and his ... View more

This isn't easy. I have had depression for about 10 years now and have managed it ok on and off over the years. My husband of 6 years has been amazing at supporting me and trying to keep me happy. He has been amazingly generous with his time and his ability to do things to treat me and surprise me what has kept me going. However over the past 4 months or so he has started to get really angry when he is not able to help me. We had a huge arguement recently over the fact that he didn't think I was grateful for what he was trying to do. I don't want to go into detail about the actual events but I think he snapped. He is so angry now that he hasn't spoken to me for 2 days and I am so scared that he has reached his limit in being with me. His anger is palpable at the moment and he just doesn't want to talk. My question to this forum is how do I go about supporting him now? I am so scared that I may have left it too late. It is only through this recent argument that I have been able to see how the self-centredness that dominates my depression may come across as being ungrateful. But this is so far from the truth as I am so thankful for everything that he has done. He is an amazing man, but the one thing I think would help us both is if he was able to talk about 'his stuff'. This is not something he has never had to do and my attempts at trying to get him to see my point of view have made things worse. My anxiety around thinking that he is going to leave is pushing me to keep on at him to try and talk, when the logical part of my brain is saying just give him time. I want to do this, but I'm not sure how to get from here to there and give him the time that he so obviously needs to calm down.

Princess5 Living with a controlling person, had the strength to ended it but guttered
  • replies: 3

Hi I been with my husband for 15 years. Through out the marriage he has emotionally abused me by passive aggressive means. He wasn't happy unless I was depressed and unable to think for myself. I felt unloved and try anything to get he's approval. I ... View more

Hi I been with my husband for 15 years. Through out the marriage he has emotionally abused me by passive aggressive means. He wasn't happy unless I was depressed and unable to think for myself. I felt unloved and try anything to get he's approval. I sacrificed my own dreams for he's. I wasn't to one day I was thinking the only was out of the marriage was to kill myself. I was lucky I had a friend that made me relised I was important and strong women and to think of the children. I been in counselling for years and been on all kind of antidepressants and anxiety medication. I knew what I had to do was to get rid of the cause. Well last July I did it I handed my wedding ring back. He moved into another room in the house. As we worked away from home on different rosters it work well and the kids wouldn't miss out spending time with each parent. Mentally is was hard but it was ok. Last week he moved out. The way he did it was another story. I know its the right thing but here is the catch, I lost my security blanket. He made me so depended on him the now I lost. Even when he sent me a threating text and covered it up with some excuse as I did have the police call him as it terrified me. I think the worst is the no communication. I don't miss him in a romantic way but just lost and do not know what to do. Once I was sick of crying over him not treating me correctly no I can stop crying as I not sure what to do. I know I should protect finances for me and the kids. I know I wanted this but I just want to crawl under a rock and hide away from the world I still sick of crying over anything. Then I know is a circle I going in I wish I can brake free. I don't think I strong enough to get through it.

white knight NARCISSISTS -how to identify them
  • replies: 4

Do you feel controlled? Are you aware of emotional blackmail? Do you enjoy the right everyone around you has? Do you have equal financial input with your partner? Do you feel free...while enjoying being with a partner? It seems more common nowadays t... View more

Do you feel controlled? Are you aware of emotional blackmail? Do you enjoy the right everyone around you has? Do you have equal financial input with your partner? Do you feel free...while enjoying being with a partner? It seems more common nowadays to read threads here about their narcissist partner and what can they do about it. Seems clear to me that in past generations narcissism was more readily accepted, when the male was the boss and the female was the homemaker. While those days have passed it wasn't really that long ago, two generations or three and so the fallout, the continuation of the domineering partner hasn't caught up with society changes in this regard. These domineering types were children when raised voices and firm bossy directions were the norm, listening to their parents and learning the same rituals. They saw it as 'normal'. Fast track 30-40 years and the nature was bred into them, they became the same or a milder version. A similarity is the relative introduction of sexual harassment in the workplace. Companies brought in these rules. Suddenly the worker were watched intensely for any untoward behaviour. The rules are good but the worker couldn't catch up to the changes and found themselves disciplined for breaking such rules. The narcissist has a need to control. I noticed recently a male friend regularly kick his wife's leg under the table everytime she made a comment he didn't like. He also refused to apologise to her- ever. In front of us he claimed an actor had died, the actor acted in MASH and he told us who the actor played. But he was wrong. His wife told him " it wasn't that guy" but he shut her down. After I proved to him who the actor did play, no apology came. He would never allow her that dignity as it would mean a chink in his armour. I grew up with emotional blackmail. My mother would say "if you don't make your bed I'll tell your father". This might seem futile but it got worse as we grew to the point at me at 27yo..."if you don't break off with that girl I'll pack my bags and go for a holiday..you can fend for yourself". 27yo!! But there was more. At 29yo and getting married my mother and I had an argument. She had all the Tupperware from a party she held, for my future inlaws. "You wont get it until you apologise." I attended mothers home with police to collect others Tupperware items. Her comment in front of the police "it didn't need to come to this". But it did! Do you know other examples? Tony WK

IIEK OVERWHELMED
  • replies: 5

I am 62 and my husband is 79. We have both been married before. I had 2 children, lost my son 6 years ago. Husband has two children who live interstate. My husband has always been demanding and really accepting of my children this they couldn't get o... View more

I am 62 and my husband is 79. We have both been married before. I had 2 children, lost my son 6 years ago. Husband has two children who live interstate. My husband has always been demanding and really accepting of my children this they couldn't get out of home fast enough. We followed my daughter and family when they moved interstate and then back. My husband was diagnosed with depession and anxiety. He can become so nasty. My family have always been demanding. Always broke and we have always done what we could...but I always suffer the consequeces for years after. He uses his depression as an excuse for his behavior. I have never been allowed to really do the things I like in the 30 years we have been married..now I do a few things and am made to feel guilty because I leave him home. he also has severe arthritis. I know I am not strong with my daughter and four grandchildren but at the end of tje day that is all I have. My daughter's marriage broke up and she moved close to is so that we could help with the kids. That has turned out a nightmare. We had to move into a unit so having kids here was a little difficult, but my husband's attitude had made ot that the kids hate coming here. It doesn't, matter what I do I am wromg. I feel like a 5 year old being constantly berated and made responsible for all the misdeeds of my family. They are not as squeaky perfect as his family, haven't gone to uni and achieved much, but they are mine. Sometime I feel I am going to lose my mind. My husband blames his depression on the fact that we followed my daughter interstate and back. He has never allowed us to settle in a house. Sittimg in lounge at 2am being told how we must move and now I am being blamed for that too. My daughter is moving back to the country where the kids have cousins and their other grandparents. It is the right move for them, but I am now so afraid that I am going to be more isolated because of his depression and attitude. He won't go and see his family interstate and that is causing problems. The more he doesn't see them the worse it gets. It is good to get this off my chest. I am very unhappy and at times feel very depressed. I feel that I have let my husband ruin my relationship with my children and grandchildren. Friends often say, why don't you leave him! He is 79 and sick..... would appreciate any comments.... Sorry about typing mistakes....arthritic fingers

Maria0112 Bullied by sibling/s
  • replies: 3

I come from a large family, and my eldest brother controls and dominates all the younger siblings. So for many years he would always tell me what I can and can't do. For example he would invite me and my husband to a family gathering and tell me that... View more

I come from a large family, and my eldest brother controls and dominates all the younger siblings. So for many years he would always tell me what I can and can't do. For example he would invite me and my husband to a family gathering and tell me that I have to sit down and not talk about family topics etc. One day I stood up to him and told him that he can't control me and that I am allowed to talk about anything as long as I am not saying anything bad or hurting anyone. He didn't like this and to summarise everything, he is not going to ever talk to me, which I was ok with that. However, he is still constantly in my life, saying liars and manipulating all my other brothers, sisters and cousins to hate me because I am a bad person. So now he will host all the family parties at his house (invites my parents and all my siblings) and we are left out. Then he tells everyone at the party that I am the problem and that I am an awful person, because everyone goes to his party and they get along. My brother constantly tells my family that I am an awful person (and a lot of other liars). My sisters, whom I have been close to for many years now hate me and my youngest sister sent me a message this morning saying that I control my mum and that all my siblings our taking me to court for controlling mum and that I better have a dam good lawyer. I am very close to my mum, we talk everyday and have for many years and I was just trying to get mum to help me make peace with my siblings (because that's all I want). Anyway the truth is always twisted. I am scared that I will now lose my parents over this because my older brother controls all the other siblings. I have been suffering so much anxiety over this, I don't want to lose my family.