Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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SarahP82 Parent of Bipolar/Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer?
  • replies: 3

Hi, I'm seeking help from parents of those diagnosed with Bipolar and/or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). My step son, 20yo, I'm certain is Bipolar and/or Borderline Personality Disorder. I had always thought he was classic bipolar. He has the ... View more

Hi, I'm seeking help from parents of those diagnosed with Bipolar and/or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). My step son, 20yo, I'm certain is Bipolar and/or Borderline Personality Disorder. I had always thought he was classic bipolar. He has the swing of mania - ideas of grandeur, motivated/wired, hypersexual, delusional, rapid speech followed by swings of depression and suicidal ideation. He is more manic than he is depressed and his depression was usually as a result of external stressers (although a disproportionate reaction to an incident such as getting pulled over for speeding), however the past couple of months his depression hasn't really been a result of a particular stress. I've done a fair bit of research and am doing a Masters degree in Mental Health, and I'm starting to think he may also/either have BPD. He has intense disproportionate anger and suicidal ideation, feelings of worthlessness, relationship issues (idealisation followed by conflict as the other party doesn't live up to step-sons expectations), impulsivity (sex, substance abuse, reckless driving). I had generally put these symptoms down to Bipolar, but I think they're more suited to BPD. He attributes his feelings of worthlessness, depression and the suicidal threats to the fact he hasn't achieved the status of Mark Zuckerberg or Hugh Hefner in the 20 years he's been alive (the grandeur). The relationship issues he has is what made me look at the possibility of BPD. Most of his relationships start really intense and he has classic idealisation (for example, someone he met who he perceived as coming from wealth and said their parents owned a luxury car business, were in actual fact the owners of a used caryard), and when that person doesn't achieve the expectations that my step-son places on them, he can get quite volatile, abusive and vengeful and the relationship inevitably sours and results in conflict. I'm trying desperately to help my partner (step-sons Dad) with this and am seeking some advice from those with children diagnosed with both/either illness. Step-son had recently agreed to seek help after a long period of refusing help, was put on low-dose antidepressents by the GP and had an appointment with a psychologist, however is now refusing help as he's in conflict with his parents. He's very angry and resentful at the moment as his parents are trying to curtail his destructive behaviour. Any help appreciated. Thanks.

Serat Sadness
  • replies: 3

I am sad again.. I feel just lonely in this relationship

I am sad again.. I feel just lonely in this relationship

black_rose Mixing Business and Family.... What a Disaster...
  • replies: 6

So where to begin? Where do I start? I have been renting a house off of my mother, and 6 weeks ago it sold, so we were given our 60 days notice which has a date of mid Oct. Around the same time we were also approved for another rental, which given ou... View more

So where to begin? Where do I start? I have been renting a house off of my mother, and 6 weeks ago it sold, so we were given our 60 days notice which has a date of mid Oct. Around the same time we were also approved for another rental, which given out current area and the state of the property market where I live was pure luck, rentals are scarce. Me and my partner decided that this move, as things were a bit more financially better than any move we've had, we decided to do it properly, over the 3 1/2 years living there we have managed to accumulate and hoard a rather larger amount of stuff, which we are going through and slowly getting rid and keeping what we actually need and use. The past 2 weeks she has been at us to get out as she wants to settle early and we have another place so we need to hurry up. About 2 weeks she also made an excuse to go through the property, no notice, claimed she suspected the gas bottle attached to the property was leaking and that was grounds to enter the property. Where we live doesn't have mains gas. It's bottled. She then called me and had a go that the place according to her high standards is messy and she wants it clean before the keys are handed back. Obviously, we are in the process of doing so. Today I received another call and lecture abut some old 'rubbish' her favourite word to describe anything that is not immaculately organised in it's own special little immaculately clean home. It was some old cardboard boxes that were sitting out the back yard and she rang to lecture me about more offensive mess and how lazy we are because according to her we've had plenty of time to do it and she wants to settle on the house early and we are making it hard on her. I tried explaining that lately I have been working 40+ hours a week as is my partner, I have also been advised my Dr that I am severely Iron Deficient and Anemic, I start work at 6am everyday and I am constantly exhausted, I barely have the energy to make dinner at night and when I finish my shift at work I come home and nap I am that exhausted. Her response is "It's called life you know, being sick doesn't give you an excuse to be lazy, I have x and have to have x you know and I still manage to cook and clean and be a good wife" ok, that last part's an exaggeration. But she loves to 1 up people to disregard what they are going through, or tell them they're just making excuses. She just doesn't understand anything and I'm sick of her treating me like a child.

SG1993 Leaving my girlfriend. Is it the right thing to do?
  • replies: 5

Hi, My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year. She has a history of mental health issues unfortunately, which include anxiety and depression. Her last relationship she was cheated on, is currently in the process of settling the separation house... View more

Hi, My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year. She has a history of mental health issues unfortunately, which include anxiety and depression. Her last relationship she was cheated on, is currently in the process of settling the separation house costs and more. She has had huge anxiety from that and it has really hit our relationship hard too. Our relationship so far has been so rocky. January she was admitted to hospital for telling me she was going to kill herself when I walked out after an argument. Since then, issues that shouldn't be an issue - such as a dinner plan change for example, or me wanting a night to myself in the week I am questioned and made out that I "Don't care" etc. Just recently, I wanted some time to myself for a day and she responded bad to this. The fighting started, and I returned the spare house key for her place as she always asks for it back whenever we argue. This time me returning it set her off. Later that night, I asked to be left alone and in her anxious state I received so many phone calls, messages etc. I told her I'd see her the next day to let things cool off. Yesterday, talking with her - I told her I needed to go get a break as things were heated again. She threw her coffee mug across the kitchen smashing it, and since then all I've done is receive calls/messages of her saying she will seek the mental health help she needs. January she said she would, brushed it off and the issues of anxiety and bringing me into it have been on-going. I love this girl, she's begging me to stay and work it out for one more go - but I feel so much has happened. I work in law enforcement and she's threatened to get Police involved whenever she's in that manic state and I want to leave. Is this stupid to pursue one more time? I've told her it's ended due to the emotional rollercoaster - she's believed to have Borderline Split Personality Disorder too as per the Hospital visit last time.

Guest_1843 Leaving My Wife who I love for a happy life
  • replies: 6

Hey, Feeling lost confused and regretting bad choices is how I feel every day after ending my marriage to my best friend, I know I have left my life behind for a happy life, but can't help feeling I have broken my two kids world, but i could just not... View more

Hey, Feeling lost confused and regretting bad choices is how I feel every day after ending my marriage to my best friend, I know I have left my life behind for a happy life, but can't help feeling I have broken my two kids world, but i could just not go on any more with the way I was feeling, every day I woke and felt the walls closing in on me, The constant arguing, silent treatment and just hating each other was instance I could no longer bare, I know this was no way for my kids to grow up but can’t help feeling that I have let my kids down by making the biggest choice of my life and changing everything I had planned out, Can I ask if there is life after such a big change do the kids ever forgive me does life get better any advice would help Cam

38years Do I allow cheating husband to move back in?
  • replies: 3

Its been 5 weeks since my husband's affair and he has since moved out to give me my space. It was my decision that he moves out, but the problem is that his air bnb lease is up in about 10 days and quite honestly, although i love him, I dont know whe... View more

Its been 5 weeks since my husband's affair and he has since moved out to give me my space. It was my decision that he moves out, but the problem is that his air bnb lease is up in about 10 days and quite honestly, although i love him, I dont know whether i am ready for him to move back in as there is too much pain and hurt. Unfortunately though, given covid and the fact that i was retrenched, we cannot afford to live separately. However, if we does move back in, it will be to live in separate rooms. Do you think this is a good idea? I just think having him in the same house in a different bedroom, will be very awkward for all of us. It will be like this big white elephant in the room? I just dont know what to do? Any suggestions??

Failsafe Cutting off someone you love
  • replies: 9

Hi, I fell pretty hard for someone and believed he felt the same way, he said he thought he felt it stronger. Over time we got incredibly close. He had an ex he had recently separated from who was still on the scene so I was cautious. At the point of... View more

Hi, I fell pretty hard for someone and believed he felt the same way, he said he thought he felt it stronger. Over time we got incredibly close. He had an ex he had recently separated from who was still on the scene so I was cautious. At the point of finally committing to each other, his ex partner came back saying she couldn't just throw it away and they should try again. He said ok and told me that first sign of failure they'd agreed to part and he wanted to do this for her to end things on a civil note. It meant we couldn't be in contact, at all. He said he didn't expect it to last but he couldn't abandon her and their history if she wanted to try. I went and nursed a broken heart without the person that I had discussed building a life with just days before. 6 months later he made contact with me and since then we've been chatting intermittently. Early on it was very clear he was unhappy and missing me and I kept hope that he'd come back. The anxiety of guessing and waiting made many of our interactions feel strained and he slowly seemed to become more resigned to not coming back. Comments like realising he couldn't ever have a fulfilled life and learning from past mistakes in reference to our previous honest and open conversation style. I realised he was letting me go romantically. I've tried to be a friend but our conversations are superficial and stilted. Anytime I'm kind/supportive he shuts down and stops speaking to me. I asked him about it and he said it was a defensive mechanism, but I don't know what he's defending himself from? I've managed to be ok with this so far because I'd bump into him in public sometimes and it would feel ok. I've seen him twice recently and it's not felt the same and it's caused anxiety flares after. I thought I was truly wanting the best for him to be his friend, I've happily offered things to try to improve his life and relationship, but obviously not if it hurts me so much that things have changed. The last visit he mentioned he had seen a female friend of his that there had been romantic links with before. She didn't like me very much when he told her about me originally. I feel more anxiety around this than around him still living with his partner. In the past week I've been clear enough to see the red flags, that the anxiety relates to the fact Ive been bluffing myself about being over him. I think the best thing is to cut him off and move on BUT I CANT FOR THE LIFE OF ME DO IT. Any advice?

mark8661 Separating marriage
  • replies: 8

Hi, I have been married 8 years together for 12 with my wife. We have 2 great kids. I'm 34, we both lost our mothers 4 and 5 years ago from cancer. We have had a lot of ups and downs and have been through a lot together. Since my mum has passed, I ha... View more

Hi, I have been married 8 years together for 12 with my wife. We have 2 great kids. I'm 34, we both lost our mothers 4 and 5 years ago from cancer. We have had a lot of ups and downs and have been through a lot together. Since my mum has passed, I have not been entirely happy in my life and relationship and we have drifted apart. I feel it more so that we have drifted apart. I have lost the "connection/ spark" and i cannot see it coming back. After every fight or argument I always had a feeling of regret for saying i wanted to be here and stay with her, the truth is i always wished I had made the choice to go. I have not been completely innocent in our relationship, a few years ago I was speaking to another woman, never met, only texting until I was found out after lying about it for so long. Obviously when she found out I stuck my hand up and admitted it all. I have always thought of and wished to be single again as I am not happy or in love. I have thought about the kids and it hasn't been an easy decision but why stay just for the kids and be unhappy, I don't think it is healthy for anyone or a good lesson for anyone. The other night I was asked if I was being distant with her, at which I came out and told her the truth about how I felt and that I wanted to go. My father is very condescending and ended his marriage 15 years ago, not in a good way, just walking out on 25 years of marriage with no explanation. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety, I have been seeing a psychologist and on SSRI. Not looking to be told what to do, just looking on peoples thoughts on the situation.

Lene My boyfriend doesn't think I love him because I don't have a sex drive :(
  • replies: 6

How do I explain to my boyfriend that I don't have a sex drive due to my anxiety and depression , it's really getting to him as for him that's a away of feeling loved, I do feel bad about it but I don't want to have sex if I don't feel like it . He f... View more

How do I explain to my boyfriend that I don't have a sex drive due to my anxiety and depression , it's really getting to him as for him that's a away of feeling loved, I do feel bad about it but I don't want to have sex if I don't feel like it . He feels like he's not attractive enough for me but it's not the case it's nothing to do with him I just don't feel like having sex I don't know what to do or how do I even try to make him understand, I don't want to break up with him he is a good boyfriend. I wish I wasn't like this I use to have sex with him a lot I loved it just as much as he does I don't know what to do I even have dreams that he will sleep with other girls

Leave Seperating
  • replies: 4

My husband has decided after 20 years to leave me. We have two young children, one with relatively high needs. We are ex-pay kiwis so at about the same time my husband said it was over my son’s NDIS application was rejected. I work full time in a rel... View more

My husband has decided after 20 years to leave me. We have two young children, one with relatively high needs. We are ex-pay kiwis so at about the same time my husband said it was over my son’s NDIS application was rejected. I work full time in a relatively stressful job. The whole situation is a mess. At the moment he is living downstairs and continues to help with the day to day care of our children. I am very socially isolated in that our friends are probably more his, his parents are the ones close by whereas all my family are in NZ. I cannot see how financially we can actually afford to separate. He has been declared bankrupt and his casual employment was impacted by COVID. I don’t even know how he would rent a house. We own our home but it is not finished and he is the builder and will have to get it finished to sell which I don’t necessarily want to do. My husband wants the separation over and done with quickly, tends to live in la la land and I just cannot see how. I am so upset, have been very emotional and I am very concerned about my and my children’s future. I am angry with him because not much has changed but he seems to be picking the worst possible time to be doing this. I have asked for another chance but he is adamant. Any advice please.