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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Nunu How to find someone to connect?
  • replies: 9

Hi ok, so it’s hard to express but will try too. I married my first love 20 years ago. After 12 years or so he cheated and we lived separately but still married & loved. He moved to home country and I am here with my son. We always chatted, video cal... View more

Hi ok, so it’s hard to express but will try too. I married my first love 20 years ago. After 12 years or so he cheated and we lived separately but still married & loved. He moved to home country and I am here with my son. We always chatted, video calls, he tried coming back but got stuck due to visa issues. start of this year my husband passed away in an accident. It was devastating but also bcoz we live away from each other am able to cope. i feel like having a friend/partner for emotionally & intimately. But the problem is I never ever dated. Never had sex with anyone except my husband. I sometimes freak out that I will end up alone. Am not confident approaching someone to date. I feel like I can’t have sex until I love a person. I know am not ready . super confused about my feelings and how to address them?

lilykitten Just need to scream at the unfairness of it all
  • replies: 8

For 16 years I single handedly financially supported my husband and two kids. It wasn't my choice. My husband wanted to run his own business and I had a good job as a teacher and I always thought my turn would come and he would reciprocate. When the ... View more

For 16 years I single handedly financially supported my husband and two kids. It wasn't my choice. My husband wanted to run his own business and I had a good job as a teacher and I always thought my turn would come and he would reciprocate. When the kids were babies and toddlers he did care for them on some school days but complained all the time. He never did any household task like cooking or cleaning. I suggested he complete some further study, I paid for family daycare twice a week to give him a break. He did make a few thousand dollars but insisted on putting it back into the business. When the kids hit school I suggested he make a business plan and if he couldn't draw a wage in a few years he should look for work. This was taken by him as an insult and that I didn't believe in him. He brought this up every time I pleaded with him to help me with the household tasks, the kids, the bills or the mortgage. We had marriage counselling a few times over the years. I would listen carefully to his complaints about how I didn't support his ideas enough how he was depressed because of me but as soon as I brought up the lack of support I was receiving from him, he withdrew from therapy. He also had a tactic, when I had become rundown or at the end of my tether to coincidentally become sicker than me with breathing issues or tooth aches and I had to look after him more. A year ago he felt he couldn't live with me anymore. He moved into the garage, then 6 months later started couch surfing at friends houses. I just want to move on with my life. I have our 2 kids (one is ASD) living with me in the house I paid for. He has full access to the kids whenever he likes. I am still working. In March he withdrew from mediation of our financial settlement. I wanted to pay him out but he wanted the money all in cash and i couldn't afford to borrow that much money against the house. Now he is taking me to court and wants over half the house and my superannuation AND spousal support on the basis I financially and psychologically abused him to the extent he can not support himself. He is 53. It just seems so unfair. I have been the responsible one paying off the mortgage and putting money into my super for the future and he can legally strip me of all the security I have worked for. I am just a high school teacher with a little house in the country, not a millionaire. The legal bills themselves will bankrupt both of us. How can I stop this from gnawing at me 24/7.

N0vaaa Blocked my stepsister
  • replies: 6

Hi, ok so uhm, I just had a not so pleasant conversation with my stepsister. first let me just say that after moving away from my step mum because of reasons, my step sisters have not spoken with me at all, which left me upset. It has been a few year... View more

Hi, ok so uhm, I just had a not so pleasant conversation with my stepsister. first let me just say that after moving away from my step mum because of reasons, my step sisters have not spoken with me at all, which left me upset. It has been a few years until I finally got a message from one of my stepsisters, yes it was very awkward and at first everything was fine, I wanted to forget everything that had happened. the next day she asked me for money because my dad told her too. (she had been asking him for money for a while now, she didn’t even have a full on conversation, all she wanted was money for her own enjoyment) obviously I didn’t give it to her because it was like we were strangers and I wanted to gain her trust again, after I said no she stopped talking to me for a few months. this made me lose the tiny bit of trust I had in her. a few days ago I overheard a phone call between her and my father, she wanted to come up to visit and I didn’t like the idea but I never said anything. Today she messaged me again and it was very awkward because I didn’t know what to say, once I told her I didn’t know what to say, I could see she was growing an attitude, I didn’t want to talk to her anymore and she got rude, calling my dads gf a wh**e …etc. obviously I got mad and told her not to say that, after insulting me/my family a little more, I blocked her. but I wanna know if that was the right thing to do? N0vaaa.

confirmed08 I think I'm slowly losing my girlfriend
  • replies: 8

I'm once again on here writing about my relationship. we recently hit one year together, but on the day she wasn't really that interested in talking (with it being during lockdown we couldn't celebrate it how we would have liked, as many have found I... View more

I'm once again on here writing about my relationship. we recently hit one year together, but on the day she wasn't really that interested in talking (with it being during lockdown we couldn't celebrate it how we would have liked, as many have found I'm sure). ever since then really communication between us has slowed dramatically. we haven't called in weeks with only a few messages back and fourth each day now. I brought it up with her that I've felt as if she's been ignoring me and pushing me away, how I felt I wasn't a part of her life and vice versa. she then told me she felt as if she was falling into a depressive state, she was demotivated with work and that was the reasoning behind the silence. this hurt, after over a year together she felt as if she couldn't tell me what was happening in her life and in her head anymore. since then I've tried to be as patient as possible, offering her as much encouragement as possible, with little to no recognition or response (not that I'm doing it just for the recognition it would just be nice to know she's there and she's taken it in). I'm trying my hardest going thru year 12 in lockdown and trying to make her feel better, but I just can't keep this up when she's constantly pushing me away and lying to me. I figured she just didn't have the energy to talk or socialise with me anymore, which I was fine with. but throughout this week she has caught up with a couple of her friends (adhering to covid restrictions of course) , one of which I was not even aware of being a friend. I don't know long I can keep trying to help her when she doesn't acknowledge me, my life, and continues to push me away. i've not been perfect, but I don't know what i've done wrong. i'm falling apart.

Suzymoo Is depression the cause of my marriage breakdown?
  • replies: 2

Hi, I'm not sure if this is the right forum to be posting this but here goes. My marriage of 6 years (together 10 years, 2 kids) is currently at rock bottom as a result of a series of events which have happened over the past few months. A significant... View more

Hi, I'm not sure if this is the right forum to be posting this but here goes. My marriage of 6 years (together 10 years, 2 kids) is currently at rock bottom as a result of a series of events which have happened over the past few months. A significant life event occurred which caused me to re-evaluate things in my life and to finally listen to my gut, be honest with myself and work up the courage to tell my husband that, while I love him, I'm not in love with him. I've also since said that I want to try working on our marriage, because I don't want to throw away the life we've built together. We have since been to a couples therapy session where the psychologist believes I likely have depression. Her thoughts are that it will be difficult to work on the marriage while I feel unmotivated to do so, despite saying that I do want to try. She suggests looking into medication. Right now this is how I feel about it: I've had these feelings about my husband for a long time, even before we were married. I then listen to myself and be honest but now it's caused pain and hurt so now I should just shut myself up with meds..? I do believe I have depression and I am struggling with the day to day, but the thought of my true inner beliefs being silenced, doesn't sit well with me at all, especially if it means having to go through this again further down the track. A close friend recently told me that while she was on antidepressants, her feelings about not being in love with her husband went away, but when she came off them after a year or so, the same thoughts came back. I guess I'm struggling to know what's real now. Is it the depression causing me to think like this or are my feelings real? Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

deek21 I need some real advice here. Please read!!
  • replies: 4

I've been with my bf for just over 2 yrs now. We met online &he was currently at that time in rehab. That info initially took me back but we developed a intense connection right away where I wanted to spend more time getting to know him. I find out h... View more

I've been with my bf for just over 2 yrs now. We met online &he was currently at that time in rehab. That info initially took me back but we developed a intense connection right away where I wanted to spend more time getting to know him. I find out he's in there for alcohol addiction. We spend about 2 mths getting to know one another by phone etc and finally meet. I've never had such a connection before. He comes from a good family. I also find out that he had an incident with his ex partner where it resulted in a domestic violence matter.I hear his story and put this aside and don't want to judge him based off that as it felt two sided in aggaggravated i'm separated with two kids from my past relationship, and what I was looking for physical etc I found in my new partner. During our relationship it's been highs and lows both with alcohol on the rare occasion and then came in drug use. I won't say the drug but when I found out I took a step back and gradually worked up to seeing him. Then his court case comes around after over a year and a half together and he gets a couple of months. This in another state too as that's where it happened. We stay in touch and decide to still be together he's out& clean and the letters conversation give me strength in us. We both made mistakes during our relationship and decide to move forward It's been a few weeks unfortunately we are still waiting for him to transfer down to our state and actually see eachother it feels like forever & although I see positive changes he's back to drinking I've been really upset by this because I'm worried he will go backwards He's drank quite a few times & then ontop of that he's bit distant. He's smoking also. I called to speak to him on a couple of occasions and he didn't answer then when he calls back he's been drinking and it feel like everything we've spoken about was a lie I've spoken about my feelings about this but I don't want to feel like I'm constantly nagging him etc. Spoke to him recently to find out he's drinking again tonight with only 2 nights of a break from drinking i'm concerned.Our plan was to move in together. But I'm scared that maybe he's not as serious as I thought. My kids are attached to him. He's great with them calls videos and shows he's genuinely interested in their well-being. But then there is the drinking & my uncertainty now around who he is now that he's out.I don't know what to do. Or how to think I'm in love with him &daily anticipate his arrival home.

Guest_4502 Codependency
  • replies: 7

TW/CW: Substance abuse, suicide I have had a traumatic life. That has made me the amazing person I am, but with a terrible flaw: codependency. It has been a pattern in my life and one I didnt fully realise until after getting very serious with my cur... View more

TW/CW: Substance abuse, suicide I have had a traumatic life. That has made me the amazing person I am, but with a terrible flaw: codependency. It has been a pattern in my life and one I didnt fully realise until after getting very serious with my current partner. There is a hierarchy in our relationship - her, her substance abuse, then me. I always come last. I understand enabling behaviours, and the need for boundaries, I have worked hard on these, but I struggle with the last step. I cannot draw a line in the sand by leaving, or issuing an ultimatum. Not only that I cant, but I don't want to. She is my whole life, protecting her is my reason for existence. I love her with my whole heart, I have no interest in leaving whatsoever. She loves me too, it is this horrible illness she has. How could anyone possibly leave the person they love, to leave them to burn and die, because theyre sick? My life with her is torturous, an addictive wave of love-bombing followed by total disregard, riding out days or weeks of torture for the next hit of love, which always comes, but barely lasts a day. But it's glorious. I am at the point where I've told her she's going to break me. She knows this but won't, or can't, change. I want to think it's coming any day now but I've seen this before, going all the way back to my childhood. It wont change. Leaving her is what every person and article out thwre says to do, but they don't allow for the fact that I love her, that it will end my life, and it will nkot spur her into action, it will escalate her into the world of hard IV drugs that I saved her from. This wont help her, it will almost certainly kill her, too. Totally lost.

The_Righteous_Dude Dissatisfied with Vic police/legal response to FVIO request, so far
  • replies: 13

Good evening, After dealing with years of verbal abuse and coercive control, I finally applied for a family violence intervention order in late May. After a few days of answering follow-up questions with a court registrar, I was told on a Monday that... View more

Good evening, After dealing with years of verbal abuse and coercive control, I finally applied for a family violence intervention order in late May. After a few days of answering follow-up questions with a court registrar, I was told on a Monday that a court summons had been issued and would be hand-delivered by police. By Thursday morning, no summons had appeared. I rang the local police and was informed it had arrived there on Wednesday, and may be delivered later in the day. I asked to receive advance warning of its delivery, so I could prepare myself; police promised they would send me a sms. Eventually, the police came at 11am Friday. I didn't receive the promised sms and the police didn't stay long enough to answer any questions from my partner who isn't a native English speaker. My partner didn't realise what it was until the police left. The following day, I rang the court to ask questions about what happens next; they advised that an interpreter would be present and we didn't need lawyers at this stage. A week later, I needed to call 000 because I was afraid my partner would physically attack me. Two police came and got each person's version of events, advised no crime had been committed and they couldn't do anything and left. My partner and I both received generic text messages as the only follow up. The court hearing was supposed to occur last Friday, but couldn't proceed because the court had forgotten to book an interpreter. This morning, the hearing was "stood down" (temporarily adjourned) when the magistrate found out we both hadn't received legal advice. We got the legal advice, but this afternoon we were the last case of the day, and it all felt rushed; I was dissatisfied with the process, along with the outcome: no interim intervention order. It has also emboldened my partner in their abuse, lying and playing the victim. Not that it changes anything, but - having seen how male DV survivors feel in other threads - for the record, I am a male and my abusive partner is female. As Victoria has had a royal commission into family violence, I would have hoped for a better response by the police and courts. I get that the system is overloaded, but still... How can I get the legal system to recognise my abuser has a psychological problem when it is basically my word against hers? Also, how can I complain to the police in a de-identified way?

chlokel Confused, do I keep trying or separate?
  • replies: 7

Hi all, thanks for taking the time to read this. I have been with my husband for 7 years, we have a blended family with two teens living with us still. He has always had issues with binge drinking on a minimum weekly basis, but during lockdowns can g... View more

Hi all, thanks for taking the time to read this. I have been with my husband for 7 years, we have a blended family with two teens living with us still. He has always had issues with binge drinking on a minimum weekly basis, but during lockdowns can get pass out drunk two or three times a week. He never remembers a lot the next day so for years he's gotten verbally abusive each time he drinks, with me and the kids..a few nights before we got engaged he tried to smash my phone and wouldn't stop yelling because id forgotten a friend had sent me a birthday text five months earlier. I spend my week anxious with his moods being so up and down and as soon as I see a bottle opens I spend my night waiting for him to suddenly get angry at me. The other night he wouldn't stop yelling, i went to bed and so he kept coming into the room for hours to yell at me every ten minutes or so. I told him the next night all he had done and he said he'd never drink again but i just don't know if its too late now. Im lightened Ill make the wrong choice, when he's in a good frame of mind he's amazing, kind, generous and so loving but he's also a really moody guy, very untrusting because of his past relationships, has very little patience for my daughter (from my previous marriage) but all the time in the world for our son (from his previous relationship) We separated last year and he kept saying i had someone else, kept up the drinking. He the promised me the world and said things would be so different, we saw a marriage councillor but i rarely found being honest. He kept telling me to talk out my concerns but when he drank, yelled at me for talking too much. We have just recently bought our dream home and I don't want to lose everything, i just cant say for certain i don't want to lose him... Thanks for reading, even with no advice i needed to get it out of my head.

Mark h Can a separated couple work together in business?
  • replies: 6

Hello to all of you Beyond Blue community members. I hope you are all safe and well during these troubling times. I would really like to hear from anyone with an issue I am facing. I suffer from a general anxiety condition as well as depression and n... View more

Hello to all of you Beyond Blue community members. I hope you are all safe and well during these troubling times. I would really like to hear from anyone with an issue I am facing. I suffer from a general anxiety condition as well as depression and now this decision I have to make is causing my anxiety levels to increase dramatically. I have received advice from friends and family but I need this community to also share their thoughts. My wife and I separated back in January this year and she moved out of home in March. I subsequently found out that she had had at least one affair 10 years ago and after moving out in March ended up finding another man in July who is also very local to where I live. To be honest, her ability to find someone so quickly after 24 years of being married is a big shock and not one that I will recover from quickly. I also knew this man quite well as he the towns local butcher. I have refused to go into town anymore as I don't want to see him or see my ex wife with him at any point. Things have ended ok. I still talk with my ex wife via texts mainly and also emails but not via phone often and not at all by catching up. It's all too raw right now. We have owned a successful business for 18 years together and whilst I am the sole company director, my ex wife has asked that she stay on in the business and operate this as friends being that we have both had input into its success. That is true of course but I feel that it's the lifestyle and salary that she will be missing as well as of course having to now move into a career probably with another firm in the future which is difficult at age 49. I have since finding out about this new man listened to myself and cannot find any conceivable way that we can work together. The emotions for me are too high but I also want to do the right thing. Maybe in 3, 6 or 12 months time I will feel differently but it's going to take a lot of time to heal and having her involved is simply going to delay this process I feel. What I would like to know is whether any of you, the Beyond Blue community have any input to this before I make a final decision? If I did remove her from the company, I would of course make sure she is given a good payout but even after talking briefly about this, it's clear she wants something substantial.I want to be fair but I also don't want to be walked over too. She has agreed to leaving the business but it all depends on the settlement figure. Any help would be great Mark