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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team will keep it anonymous, its still up for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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AlecA Advice needed, again. :(
  • replies: 4

Hi all, I have posted about this before, but that was roughly 2 weeks ago. Here's my first post about this: A person in my friend group is verbally harassing me and my friends (I also posted an update to some of your questions on that page which I th... View more

Hi all, I have posted about this before, but that was roughly 2 weeks ago. Here's my first post about this: A person in my friend group is verbally harassing me and my friends (I also posted an update to some of your questions on that page which I think may help understand what is happening) Since then, things have stayed quite quiet, because we are all on school holidays. But last Wednesday evening I'm playing with my friends when he joins my online game (keep in mind this game has online chat), he stays quite quiet until he started to try and tick me off, I obviously ignored him (because I didn't want a repeat of what happened last year and also my dad said I should ignore him) and it worked for a little while, until he started to just go at complete strangers. All 3 of us tried to ask him to stop but he ignored us, he then turned his attention to one of my friends who didn't want to get involved so just stayed quiet and kept playing the game, he started to comment about things I don't want to discuss here because its quiet personal to him. Fast forward a few minutes then he starts accusing my friend, calling him a liar and a bully because "He didn't want to tell him his actual name", amongst other things. He eventually ended his little rant at my friend and turned his attention back to me. He started to tell everyone (even strangers) that "(me) is trying to get me in-trouble with my year-coordinator because I did nothing" and "He is bullying me and he calls me (insert not nice words here)" then he leaves. School starts on Wednesday, I can't keep thinking about what I'm going to do. I can't stop thinking about what new insults/ways he'll try and abuse us verbally. I'm still going to try and stay right away from him, but it also means staying away from my friends. Win loose, right? I dunno. I'm currently not in anyway shape to stand up and support my friends anymore, this is draining my emotions and feeling away and there is virtually nothing I can do. I'm very close to all my friends, when I see him verbally abusing some of them (even in small ways) it always hurts me, and my friends feel like they can't do anything. Like currently as I write this I'm shaking a lot and I don't know why, it is always when I have to mention anything to do with this person. Anyways, so after the first time I posted about this I just had a full blown breakdown in front of my dad. I'm not looking forward to going back to school knowing my current state. Thanks, Alec

Mr K How do I ask my narcissistic Ex to use a more respectful tone in written and verbal communications?
  • replies: 6

I'm divorced with 50/50 care of my kids. Finances have been settled so the ongoing tension feels utterly unnecessary. My Ex-wife still uses very blunt and directive language, all telling never asking. I have no desire to be best friends with my Ex bu... View more

I'm divorced with 50/50 care of my kids. Finances have been settled so the ongoing tension feels utterly unnecessary. My Ex-wife still uses very blunt and directive language, all telling never asking. I have no desire to be best friends with my Ex but for the sake of our children, I do wish we could communicate without the nastiness or in a way that feels like life is a constant competition. I want to know if it is worth writing to her and if so, what are some strategies I can use? Thank you community. K

Erin1 Stunned! Husband of 38 years said he wants out
  • replies: 12

I’ve been married 38 years and about a year ago my husband told me that he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore - says he doesn’t love me. No explanation. I was stunned. Absolutely blind-sided. He has never been one to talk about emotions. He is very... View more

I’ve been married 38 years and about a year ago my husband told me that he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore - says he doesn’t love me. No explanation. I was stunned. Absolutely blind-sided. He has never been one to talk about emotions. He is very formal - even with me. He’s very polite - most of the time but if he gets annoyed with me (over minor things) then I get the silent treatment and the frowns. He mostly won’t talk about why he wants to end our marriage. He said he’s been unhappy for a while - though he has never said anything to me. When I ask him ‘why’, he usually says he don’t want to talk about it or he talks vaguely, saying “our paths have diverged” but won’t elaborate when I ask for details. We have done everything together so his comment makes no sense. He has never indicated that anything was wrong. He insists there is no one else. He said I’m not loving enough (he hasn’t said that before). I told him that I didn’t want to separate and suggested counselling so we can work things through. He (very reluctantly) agreed to go but didn’t get involved or open up much or follow any advice. He’s now said that he tried to make it work. He says that he doesn’t know why he wants out. If that’s true, then I don’t understand. If that’s not true then I don’t understand why he won’t tell me. I don’t see any indications of depression and I’ve tried talking about to him about that but he says he’s not depressed. Our grown-up children are shocked too. They have tried to talk to him but he won’t open up to them either. He has accused me of turning them against him - which isn’t true as I have encouraged them to stay in contact. They are adults and form their own opinion. They’ve told him that although they are upset, sad and hurt, they still love him - so don’t know why I’m being accused of turning them against him. Our very close friends have tried to talk to him but he won’t discuss anything. He has always done things his way and regularly criticised me for minor things and was a controlling person generally and whilst I won’t miss that, it’s hard being on my own after so long together. I miss what we had. I’ve had to accept the situation and we’ve now sold our house and separated. I don’t understand how I got to be in this situation without any warning. I’ve struggled a lot over the past year but am mostly okay now but still on a roller-coaster of emotions. Just wondering if this is what others have experienced and how you’ve coped.

contrarymary How to become in social activities in a group of people you don't know
  • replies: 5

I am in my 60s and been retired for a few years. i have joined a couple of organisation for people of similar age, but I just don't seem to fit in, they all seem to be already in groups and I am finding it hard to mix. the organisations do outings, t... View more

I am in my 60s and been retired for a few years. i have joined a couple of organisation for people of similar age, but I just don't seem to fit in, they all seem to be already in groups and I am finding it hard to mix. the organisations do outings, talks, lunches etc but I always seem to be the odd one out, eg on last bus tour I sat myself or I tried to join a table for lunch they said they were waiting for someone but no one appeared i am one of those people who doesn't really talk about their personal life to people they don't know ie I don't give my life history to someone I don't know. i was involved in 1 organisation on the committee for 6 years but still felt left out as others always seemed to get on better i have a problem telling everyone my life story till I know them well it stems from childhood my father was a soldier and was a way a lot and we were always told tell people nothing about what he or family did. i want to become involved in social activities.

Kez77 Partner blames me for daughter issues for she is trying to destroy me
  • replies: 2

I have invited my daughter gnaw 28 years old to come live with us for partner cheated on her in Canberra we live in Qld and partner has never had a relationship with her until I meet him a couple years ago and Her and I have become close well so I th... View more

I have invited my daughter gnaw 28 years old to come live with us for partner cheated on her in Canberra we live in Qld and partner has never had a relationship with her until I meet him a couple years ago and Her and I have become close well so I thought so when she needed help I reached out and invited her to our home and since that she has done nothing then tried to destroy us and is destroying him fo the wants a relationship with her and can't see what she is doing to us even his own mum and sister has told him but still its all my fault when all I did was try and bring them back together and now she thinks he owes her and lies about everything to make him hate me. I am lost and so over trying to have both of their backs but am caught in the middle and blamed for everything and now she has moved out which supposably my fault she is posting all over social media that he is bad and his sister saw it and sent to me and I showed him and once again it is my fault , says he would rather not now and we are out to destroy them and can't see that it is her.

white knight TRUST- how to and how not to
  • replies: 3

I grew up trusting people, everyone. In particular I trusted older people when I took note of their grey hair. As a young man in the RAAF I would trust my superiors but even politicians, their grey hair accompanied by a smiling face. A sucker for gre... View more

I grew up trusting people, everyone. In particular I trusted older people when I took note of their grey hair. As a young man in the RAAF I would trust my superiors but even politicians, their grey hair accompanied by a smiling face. A sucker for grey hair and smiling faces, but new friends as well. I needed to learn not to trust, in fact friends would say "I dont trust straight away, trust is earned. But it took a workplace trauma in 1987 at a local council where I worked to shock me into reality. A few managers tried to force me into mini corruption activity. I refused and the conflict was on. My first panic attack and anxiety followed. I'd eventually lose my job and never return to that profession. Since then relationships have been my interest especially here. Now, my attitude has been fully reversed, I dont trust many people and I find that mistrust to be a very effective insurance policy for my feelings and vulnerability. What interests me on this topic is family members. I'm not alone with family trauma, members disowning others (my mother and youngest daughter and one niece), finding a close relative betraying me, jealousy, etc. Trust is a very important process to complete. with someone. Mistrust is an essential judgement we need for self protection and it is a basic right. But there is a gulf of people that lie in between the two extremes, acquaintances, distant relative etc. What I've personally developed is an acceptance within, to not feel guilt that I dont trust. Indeed if a person in this grey area of connection asks me "do you trust me"? I answer "We are not close enough for me to trust you but yes, that could happen". For the ones with mental health issues the less trauma we have with others the better. We can indeed spend our lives with techniques that 'dodge the dangerous'. That is far better than trusting and being hurt. What is fair is to go with your gut feeling. Beware the manipulative- "what is that person going to benefit from this conversation"? "If they are sincere then time will tell". And take the time, listen to others and come to a conclusion. Trust should not be forced by obligation "You can trust me I'm your cousin"... If you feel obliged to trust another person, do so in your own timeline, not theirs and dont feel bad to say "I'm still thinking about it". Your trust is your gauge, your meter, your personal judgement... dont feel guilty by operating it without hinderance as it is a valuable tool of protection. TonyWK

That Other Guy open relationship...
  • replies: 6

OK, here goes. A year ago, my wife decided she was leaving me because I am autistic. Six months ago I said I'd accept an open relationship and we were no longer separating. She had met a guy already, she kept him secret for a while but talked to him ... View more

OK, here goes. A year ago, my wife decided she was leaving me because I am autistic. Six months ago I said I'd accept an open relationship and we were no longer separating. She had met a guy already, she kept him secret for a while but talked to him throughout. I pretty much started drinking heavily in Feb last year and have only stopped in the past week. I was convinced that open meant once she had someone else, she'd realise that I wasn't much chop and she would leave me. So I started dating, expecting no woman to ever talk to me, but to get out there all the same. I actually spoke to at least 15 women in 6 months. I honestly keep remembering them. Of that there were about 6 who were the most significant. That deepened over 8 weeks. In hindsight we basically dated although at the time I assumed we were just friends. As things seemed likely to boil over, my wife decided to close the relationship, which I accepted with enthusiasm. However as I had 'been intimate' she demanded she be given a free pass at least once. I agreed because I had no choice, but with caveats, I set an end date. On that last day, I messaged her and she confessed she'd had been with the guy she'd pursued all along that same day. The way that had happened didn't feel like it was in line with our agreement, so I feel like she cheated on me. She had never been with someone else, so I feel like we had something together that she threw away like garbage. So I cut off my lady (she is pursuing me) and she cut off her guy and we did therapy. We seem to be on the mend but we don't live together and when things happen like a few weeks ago we had 10 days together and she was completely disinterested physically, my mind goes into overdrive for what it means and if it's all over. I don't know if we're going to make it because I don't think I can cope. What she did is not a raw wound any more but it still hurts to think about it. I really don't know where I am or what to do....

Viki8420 Can my marriage work after my husband had a 4 month long affair
  • replies: 14

We have been married for around 10 years now and just last week I accidentally discovered that my husband had a girlfriend on the side. When i confronted him, he confessed straightaway and said it was a fling, he had zero attachment to that woman and... View more

We have been married for around 10 years now and just last week I accidentally discovered that my husband had a girlfriend on the side. When i confronted him, he confessed straightaway and said it was a fling, he had zero attachment to that woman and that its over. He says he was dissatisfied with our marriage physically and needed that sexual release, hence had a fling. It is true that we were not having much sex in the past few years. Offlate he had started to hang out more with single guys and used to stay in his mates bachelor pad overnight on weekends as well. I found out that he was lying to the woman he was sleeping with. He did not tell her he was married or that he lived in the suburbs either. She thought he is a single guy living in a city pad(his mates apartment). He says he wants to work on our marriage but is it worth it? We do not have children and i am not financially dependant on him either so a separation will not be messy. But i am conflicted…. should i move on. Should i swallow the bitter pill and give him another chance? Do marriages come back after these episodes?

Female84 Processing anxiety/double standard
  • replies: 4

Hello First time poster here. But been resding through the forums to try find something I can relate to so I can understand and process my emotions right now. I am trying to put sense and logic into why I feel hurt and upset knowing and seeing that t... View more

Hello First time poster here. But been resding through the forums to try find something I can relate to so I can understand and process my emotions right now. I am trying to put sense and logic into why I feel hurt and upset knowing and seeing that the person I've been seeing for the past 4 months have been chatting and organising meeting up with other women whilst I have been doing the same thing behind his back. I feel selfish and unreasonable for feeling this way that it has caused me anxiety with sudden low moods, broken sleep and having trouble sleeping. I know I will get over this eventually but I also have realised this is a recurrence with past relationships. Why do I have this double standard mentality and how do I stop and get rid of it.

shorti Not allowed to visit family with baby
  • replies: 2

Hey all, I have a 3 month old baby. My husband won't let me take our baby to my dad's house unless he is with me. The reason is my dad can be a bit controlling and hubby does not want any bad influences on our baby. For example when I was only two we... View more

Hey all, I have a 3 month old baby. My husband won't let me take our baby to my dad's house unless he is with me. The reason is my dad can be a bit controlling and hubby does not want any bad influences on our baby. For example when I was only two weeks postpartum my dad wanted to know when I was going back to work because he wants to baby sit and joked about driving our baby around the state in his 4wd. Another example, if we don't vote the political party my dad likes he gives us a lecture about how his father fought in WW2 and we are disrespecting his father (my grandfather). Also my dad has a habit of saying one thing and doing another so it's hard to trust him. On Good Friday we visited dad and my brother was there who then tested positive for COVID on Easter Sunday. My brother called to let us know but dad told him not to tell us so we don't get worried, so in other words he keeps secrets so it's hard to trust him. So I can understand my husband not wanting my dad to babysit, but even if I am around he is still against it. Also there is domestic violence between my dad and brother where it can get quite physical. My brother gave dad a black eye a few months ago. So my husband does not want our baby around this which I agree. However I would still like to visit my dad from time to time. I'm currently on maternity leave and my husband works from home. I can't have visitors over because we are in a small house and will disturb my husband. I don't want to spend the next year on maternity leave sitting on a couch with my baby. I want to get out and about for my own mental health. My mother's group starts next Tuesday and my husband isn't happy I'm going although he is allowing it. He says these days you can't trust people and new friendships aren't what they used to be. He is worried about bad influences on our baby particularly around people I don't yet know. So far I'm feeling good after birth but I'm worried I may end up with some sort of postnatal depression or loneliness if I'm isolated from other people. Is my husband over the top by not letting me go anywhere unless he comes along too? Even to my dad's place? I don't want to go to dad's every week, maybe once a month or something. My mum also passed away 17 years ago so I have been a bit down that she's not around.