Are there ever any happy reconciliations?

[Helenmc]

I've read a lot of personal stories the last few days and I've never read a feel good ending .

is it all negative and doom and gloom?

surely there's got to be stories out there where people have reunited and it's worked out?

would love to read some .

Helen

[JessF]

Hi Helenmc, I know what you mean about feeling it's all doom and gloom.

But I think in a forum like this people would tend to post when they have an issue, and leave when it's been resolved. It would be like visiting a hospital and concluding that no-one ever gets better because you're surrounded by sick people in beds.

I would love to be proved wrong and see some happy endings discussed but I fear you may be in the wrong place. I know that if I had sorted out my marriage problems, the last place I'd want to stay hanging around would be a place where I'm reminded of the worst times in my marriage.

I am guessing you are probably looking for hope in your current situation, when a relationship ends we look for that when we're not ready to accept what has happened, this has certainly been the case for me. Much as I might have wanted to wave a magic wand, I couldn't make him change his mind or undo his actions, and what worked best for me was to surround myself with good friends and a normal routine to sit alongside the sadness until it eventually went away. Reconciliation depends on whether both partners want it.

[james1]

Hello helen,

Yes, there are happy reconciliations though they are outnumbered quite heavily by both non-reconciliations and unhappy reconciliations.

I am not sure what kind of relationship you are referring to, but in my own relationships with partners, there has only been one happy reconciliation to-date. I also have not reconciled properly with my parents.

From my own experience, I think when a reconciliation is needed, it is best to stay away from listening to other people's personal stories. Your own relationship with this person is so different to what anyone else has had. It is best to just know that, yes, it is possible, but it's not easy at all.

If you need a pick-me-up, I'd recommend engaging in some of your hobbies. I found even movies set up these wild expectations for my own reconciliation-attempts. My brain was looking for things to say, "it's easy to reconcile!" Unfortunately the reality was much different and I was not only crushed about the failed reconciliation but also super disappointed. Thankfully I had my hobbies to rely on.

Anyway, I'm sorry you are going through this. It is very hard.

James

[GemAndLogan]

Hi Helenmc,

JessF is spot on, people tend to come here seeking advice and help when they are going through a hard time, it doesn't necessarily mean that it all has ended badly. The more likely explanation is that once their issue is resolved, they no longer post here.

Just because you haven't heard of many relationships that have been able to reconcile certainly doesn't mean its not possible; if both partners want it, want to work on the issues and put the relationship first then it can and does happen.

But remember, just because one relationship has ended and one or both partners don't want to reconcile, doesn't mean all doom and gloom. Sometimes after the initial hurt fades away, you realise that it ending was the best thing for both partners which is a happy ending in a different way.

It all just depends on your own situation, every relationship is different

All the best

Gem

[Doolhof]

Hi Helen,

Welcome to the forum. You have made an interesting observation with your comments. I guess with mental health it can be easy to focus on the negatives and not concentrate more on the positives.

I have been diagnosed with various mental health issues including depression and BPD. There have been times when I have run away from home so to speak and have been away for a month now and then to escape.

Sometimes when the depression is bad I feel like my husband and I are reconciling frequently. Ha. Ha.

This year we are reaching 30 years of marriage so guess we are doing something right.

My relationship with my parents has always felt strained to me. There have been some horrible things said. Despite all of that I visited my parents earlier this year for their birthdays. I decided years ago that they are the only parents I have. I love them with all my heart and accept what ever they can offer thankfully.

Maybe reconciliation comes with a sense of forgiveness and realising that everyone makes mistakes.

My marriage isn't perfect, we are still together. My relationship with my parents isn't as I had envisioned, we are still connected.

Sometimes I just need to feel grateful for all I do have. It could be a lot worse!

Cheers from Dools

[james1]

Hello Dools,

You said at the end that you just need to feel grateful for all that you do have. I think that's an amazing way to try and get about the ups and downs of life and of relationships.

When we are in pain, reconciliation seems like the fastest way to get out of the pain. But sometimes it may not be the best way just yet, or even the fastest way. Rather than looking for acceptance from someone who is not giving it, we can learn to find comfort and happiness in the things we already have: our friends, family, pets, hobbies, and even the interactions we have with complete strangers.

I remain incredibly grateful to the people I walk past who make eye contact and smile or say hello in the mornings. These are strangers on their way somewhere, putting a little bit of effort to make an interaction with me. That's pretty awesome. If I passed by an ex, she'd go out of her way to avoid that interaction with me. If only we weren't wired to want what we don't have, we could be so much happier just basking in what we do have.

James

[Doolhof]

Hi James,

In our old neighbourhood, we lived close to a high school. I used to like walking there as the students were heading to school. I would say "Good Morning" to them and smile at them as I walked past. Some of them seemed very surprised by my interaction with them.

It can make a huge difference when a total stranger smiles at you or even opens a door for you.

In the Op Shop where I volunteer an older gentleman pops in now and then just to have a chat for a few minutes and then he leaves again.

James, yes that would be nice wouldn't it if we could be satisfied with what we do have. Sometimes we don't know what we have until it has gone.

May we all have opportunities to open a door for someone, to offer a smile and a kind greeting, and to acknowledge those we do love and care for.

Cheers all from Dools

[Jane1234]

Even though I don't think me and my partner of 12 years will ever reconcil.

It does happen, my sister and her partner of 10 years separated for 8 months, they have been back together for just over a year and I have never seen them both be happier with each other and themselves. they have both put in a lot of effort and changed a lot to make the relationship work.

but in the end it's what they both wanted for their family.

Even though I hope and pray that me and my partner will be lucky enough to have the same reconciliation me and him have different circumstances then want my sister and her partner had and I honestly don't think it will happen to me.

Wishing you the best of luck in your future no matter what way it goes.