Anxious about contacting my ex

[Amali]

i have been single now for 10 months after a traumatic break up. My ex lied to me and made some poor decisions including taking steroids that made him very unpredictable and unreliable. I loved him and I think I still feel that for him but being with him was no good for health. So I ended things very abruptly after an incident that pushed me over the edge. His mother passed away 3 years this Wednesday and I am struggling to decide what is the best way to deal with it. I have stayed strictly no contact, even though he rang and texted a lot when we first broke up. I feel guilty for shutting him out, and hope he's doing ok and want to tell him I'm thinking of him but I also know that contacting him could just make things harder for both of us. Any advice on this would be appreciated. 

[white knight]

Hi Amali

I do understand you not answering texts and calls after you broke up, I've done that myself....but it isnt the right way to go. We should try to communicate, even if that is limited to a few kind words to ...effectively say no.

The reason for this is traumatic split of relationships can take a dramatic turn. Suicide in this country out numbers road deaths. It is serious. We can contribute towards lowering that number by simply being mature and kind, to lower the otehr persons hopes rather than drop them from a height.

In that same context there is nothing wrong with ringing him and asking him to meet at a cafe for a "friendly chat" on the basis that his input in your life justified such contact... to "catch up".

It takes guts, but its efforts like that that make us humans special with each other.

Tony WK

[Amali]

I'm sorry but that just makes me feel even more guilty. He was quite emotionally manipulative. And it's a big thing for me to contact him again in the fear that he will pull on my heart strings and I'd be at risk of getting hurt again.

It's not the first time we split and his actions can not be excused. He made me cry a lot. The break up was traumatic for both of us. Im just worried reaching out will send me emotionally out of control when I've let this tear me up for way to long as it is. 

I care for him. I don't want to regret anything. I don't know what I'm asking for here. I'm just really confused. Hurting. Guilty

[white knight]

Hi Amali

Re:  " I don't know what I'm asking for here"   Then how can we help you? All I was indicating to you was....if you are going to communicate with him then be humane about it. This attitude of compassion is always justified. But it needs to be made clear that that doesnt mean you are being anything else.

It isnt easy advising others when you suggest something they do not want to hear. You mentioned "unpredictable, unreliable and lying but not manipulative etc.It does read that you want to do something to satisfy your guilt rather then resume any contact at all.

Your guilt should not extend to someone you've had no contact for so long.

As a therapist told me once "you cant save the world"

Any contact at all will be taken as a possible reunion..

Take care Tony WK

[Doolhof]

Hi Amali,

Regarding catching up with your ex boyfriend, do the two of you have a mutual friend who could join you in a café? Or do you have a girlfriend who could come along for support, or to maybe just sit at a table close by to be with you if things get a little uncomfortable?

I have not been in your shoes and do not know the extent of what went on between you both. I left a very abusive marriage where I was being used as a punching bag among other things. My mother told me I needed to stay. I feel that if I had done so, I well might have been dead in a year or two.

If you don't want actual contact with your ex, could you send him a card just to let him know you are thinking about him?

When you are really honest with yourself, would you like to get back together with him? If so, is there any chance you could have a relationship, but keep it fairly low key, starting out as friends again in your own places.

Hope some of this helps.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools, Lauren

[Amali]

Thanks Mrs Dools,

I definately couldn't meet up with him, I've been there before as this is our 2nd breakup. I would want to try again if it was the first but we are really broken this time. But I'm terrified of running into him and having all those feeling flood back and want to be with him again, even though deep down I know I could never trust him and it wouldn't be a healthy relationship. 

I guess I'm torn with whether to reach out on the anniversary of his mothers death as we went through that together and he told me losing me was like losing his Mum. 

Texting or calling may spark of him trying to convince me to come back. And I don't think I can handle it. It's probably still not been long enough for me to heal. I did play with the idea of sending a card, although it's been so long I am unsure of his address. 

Thanks for you response, it's helpful to just get it out.

[Doolhof]

Hi again Amali,

Do you know anyone who is still in touch with your ex boyfriend? Maybe he has moved away some where different and even if you do want to contact him you might not be able to find him.

I don't think it will hurt if you send him a card, if he is no longer in that place, then it will just mean he doesn't receive it.

If you don't want him to know where you are, you could have a friend's address as the return to sender address.

If you do decide to send the card, then make it very clear that you are just wanting to be respectful to the memory of his Mum.

If you don't mind me asking, do you go out with friends? Are you able to be content with your own company? Do you have things in life that make you happy?

I hope some of this helps you decide what you want to do regarding being in contact.

Of course I have no idea what is happening for either of you, but have you also considered that he might be in another relationship and how would that make you feel if you were to find out?

Hope you don't mind me asking that. It may be a possibility! 

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools