Sudden unexpected breakup which I believe to be a result of depression

[Shez]

A month ago I went through a breakup. Unexpectedly my partner said he doesn't love me anymore & hadn't for 2 months, we had never even argued. Looking back I think it was a shutdown as a result of depression. He had been quiet for a few months & when asked if ok would say yes. Two days before the breakup he was talking about moving in when his girls who he has week on week off are independent, 3 weeks before he was playing the Wedding song he had chosen for me. The breakup was a shock, we laughed together, went everywhere together & had planned our life together all as a result of him broaching these subjects.  I put pressure on him without realising, his ex would take off & leave their girls stranded when it was their week at their mums, I would suggest talking to her about being responsible as she was taking off with her partner leaving the girls stranded . Having come from a broken family I was worried about the long term affects on the girls self worth & could see the stress of him being torn if we were out & the girls called asking to be picked up. Unknowingly I had focused on his stress & the self worth of the girls but forgot he was their Dad & had every right to be the Dad he wanted to be. I was leaving him feeling torn rather than helping. He had never discussed with me the way he was feeling as he is such a soft & gentle man & had trouble communicating how he is feeling as a result of being scared he might hurt me. I didn't realise he had become so depressed that the only way he could see to resolve the situation was to break up &  be there for his girls without pressure. The realisation of what I've  done has made me sick & so disappointed in myself as I'm a very family orientated person & had not looked at the situation by putting myself in his shoes. He became more & more withdrawn to the point of pulling away from myself, family & friends, everyone except for his girls which he says talking to them is the only pleasure he feels in life anymore. He sees no future & no longer has any plans for his life, to make matters worse his workplace is downsizing & his job is on the line. I have no idea where to begin to get help for him or even if I am crossing the line if I do. where do I start?  I have stressed how depressed I think he is to his friends but they send a text to see if he is ok &  he says yes, they rarely visit to see how he really is.  I am a mess & don't know whether to help or stay away & rebuild a future I can't even begin to see

[Jacko777]

Hi Shez,

I am glad you have posted, welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. I think you will find lots of support and advice here.

My first thought was that it would have been hard for you to foresee this event and at this point I think you should avoid blaming your self for what has happened, it is only with hindsight that you can see what your partner was going through. I think it will help If you can put history behind you and focus on what you can do in the present moment. I think your priority would be your self, do you see a counselor? It might be a good time to talk to a professional about what has happened and get some clarity about how to respond. This has been a shock for you and you are taking responsibility for your partners actions and behavior.

With some professional support you can work out what to do next, maybe in the future you could get your partner to accompany you to a counselor under the premise of your own recovery. Your partner needs to get some professional support, so that he can also start a journey of recovery and be the best Dad he can be.

If you don't have a counselor perhaps you could ring the BB phone service for some advice, that is what they are there for, and you could tell your partner that you are doing this to make sure he is aware of this option. Make a move on this today, take some small steps and you will gain some clarity of what to do next. Hang in there mate, love to you.

Jacko

[geoff]

dear Shez, I'm pleased that Jacko has replied to you, and I think that your partner is so confused as to what to do, because he has his two daughters who are his main concern, then he has you, and then he has his ex who seems to be oblivious of how he feels, and doesn't really give a damn, she wants to enjoy her free time.

OK that's fair enough for her to go off, but I think your partner doesn't like her doing this, I maybe wrong, but he could still be a bit jealous, and by saying this it's not that he doesn't love you, I'm sure he does, as you do with him, but he can be cross with his ex.

I don't know the financial situation between your partner and your ex, but if he is paying maintenance, then he is entitled to presume that his ex and her partner are going off to enjoy themselves with this money.

I would encourage him to go and see his doctor, because professional help here is really needed and you can go with him, however I would think that he would want to go by himself.

There are so many issues that he and his ex will have to decide on for the future for the girls, and all of his ideas might be rejected by his ex.

Please let keep in touch with us. L Geoff. x

[Shez]

Thanks Geoff, I think the whole issue is he wasn't ready for a relationship, it will never work if you are not valued enough as a partner. Naturally the kids needs are important & it will seem they come first being dependant children but if you don't have a high regard for your partner a relationship will be doomed. I've come to realise you can't be a blended family if the needs of one family are looked upon as more important than the other.... A blended family only works as a whole.

[geoff]

dear Shez, that must have been very difficult for you to realise this, and I honour you for replying, but now I have to worry about you and what is going to happen.

I hope that you can get back to us, because this issue seems to be widening, and I also hope that you know what I mean by saying this. L Geoff. x

[Shez]

Yes Geoff it was very difficult, I've realised I've undervalued myself my whole life & tend to overlook red flags or be talked into believing I am overreacting to this. I am getting counselling & I'm thinking of attending the grow workshops as I've heard they are very good