Anxiety after relationship breakup

SDW · ‎08-10-2016

Hi, every day I think about him, memories of what we did together, why can't I see him anymore, why doesn't he want to be with me. I stare at my phone, I think I hear knocking on my door and hope it's him, I get so worked up. I am not focusing on work or studies, I can't get through a minute without him being in my head, really stressed and anxious. I drive around looking for him, I call or text every couple of days in the hope he will answer. This has been going on for a month now. I am trying so many things, I loved him, i still love him. This is my first heartbreak at 39 years age and I'm not coping...........

White_Rose · ‎08-10-2016

Dear SDW

Hello and welcome to BB. I am sorry you are feeling so hurt and rejected. Being in love is supposed to be wonderful and when it ends life can be devastating alone. After a month of no responses to your calls and texts it appears that the man of your dreams is not going to return. I know you don't want to believe that but what other explanation can there be?

Do you know why he left you? How long were you together? Sorry about the questions, it helps to know a little about you. The first romance in anyone's life is always special and very painful when it ends. I remember how bad it was when my first serious romance died. Even after many years I sometimes think I would get together with him if the opportunity arose.

You have asked for some tips on how to cope so I will offer some suggestions. You are continuing to hurt yourself by constantly ringing him and texting. I know you feel so abandoned that you want to cling to any small action that brings an illusion of contact. My dear, this is so destructive to you and keeps you reminded of your loss. Can you stop phoning and texting? I know it will be hard but it is the first step to getting your life back.

I want you to just do this bit first before trying other options. It really is the first step. I will walk with you on this journey. Keep writing in.

Mary

CMF · ‎08-10-2016

Hi SDW,

I feel for you as I have been there too and I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. I agree fully with all Mary has suggested and if you feel up to sharing a little more info it will help look at the whole situation and circumstances around it.

They say time heals all wound. I know that is not what you want to hear now and I know for a fact it does not make , this any easier for you. After many years I still feel sad for the break up of my last relationship and I still miss the good times but I also realise that it was not meant to be and I think at the time I chose to ignore the warning signs. I realise that what I miss is the fun and companionship. It takes time for your heart to heal, no one can tell you had long it should take. It is your grieving process and you take as long as you need, cry if you need to cry, maybe write own how you are feeling. I did this and it helped as it got my feelings and thoughts off my mind and onto the paper. You can keep this and look back on it if you wish. You will find in time, if you chose to keep it and look back on it, that you are moving on from the heartache.

Do you have some support from friends or family? Anyone for company when you feel lonely?

Hope to hear back from you

cmf xxx

SDW · ‎08-10-2016

Hello Mary & CMF

Thanks for kind and supportive words, very comforting. I have support from family by only by telephone, no-one close by. Trying to reach out to friends whom I have not seen for a long time because too involved in relationship. we were together for 3.5 years, I was planning a future and he called it off saying he didn't see a future and didn't have feelings for me anymore. That was about 3 months ago and I held out hope and we kept talking and saw each other a few times and then he wanted to reconnect and invited me away for a weekend to then change his mind about two weeks ago. He has been interested in someone else which was my fear. Our last communication was over the phone and he was planning to see me to break the bad news again but this has happened and I became very bitter and sent nasty texts and email and I don't want it to end like that, this is why I'm trying to make contact. I am having counselling once a month for depression that has crept back into my life over the last 12 months, this is third break down in the last 10 years but hardest because he told me I needed to sort out my stuff and I thought he might support me through it. The euphoria of the relationship had me ignoring my depression and now I'm alone.

Wow that feels good to get it out, sometimes hard to explain to family and friends.

CMF · ‎08-10-2016

Hi again SDW,

wow it's been a roller coaster for you. Thanks fir sharing that, I'm glad you feel better for getting it out. When I'm really upset I find it helps to write it down, just write freely and then either keep it to reflect on or throw it out. It does work. Sorry I know I already suggested that.

ive been guilty of neglecting friends when in a relationship. I hope you can reconnect with them. Do they know of your depression? Maybe sit and have a big chat with them to explain what you've been through.

it's sounds like he's playing games with you, breaking up, wanting to reconnect, breaking it off again, interested in someone else and then not supporting you during your depression. You have every right to feel hurt and upset and even lash out. I understand you don't want to leave things on a bad note but are you trying to make contact to apologise because you are hoping for a chance to get back together? When we feel lonely after having our heart broken we feel ready to forgive if we can have that person back, because it's all we know. We forget the heartache they caused us. We'd rather be with someone who hurt us than be lonely. I know this from my own experience. The thing is it often means more heartbreak in the future as it's a one sided relationship. If he was interested in someone else whilst seeing you, that says a lot about the sort of person he is and you deserve much better.

as hard as it is I would try to move on. Send an apology by text or email if you really feel you need to and leave it at that. It's great that you are having counselling, exercise is also really good for depression too.

this is time for you to heal, to look after yourself, to put yourself first. I know it's hard to see his now but give yourself time to heal and get over this. Hey say if things are meant to be they will be. I'm sorry you invested so much time in someone who could not support you when you needed it but it's better to see that now than get further involved.

please post back as often as you need, even if just to get it off your chest. There are plenty of great people here wanting to help you through this. You are not alone.

cmf x

White_Rose · ‎08-10-2016

Hello SDW

Thanks for your reply. It is good to have a good vent, especially here where we understand all about hurt and what it does to us. It is my belief that once one half of a partnership starts looking elsewhere then there is little hope of a future for the pair. I know it sounds hard but if your man wanted to return now, would you trust him? Betrayal is so hard.

Sending unkind messages may feel like the end of the world to you because you want him to return. But what about the unkindness he has done to you? You did nothing wrong or nasty to him so why should you continue to be the nice one? You have recognised that you neglected to care for yourself as your depression raised its head again. He obviously is unable or unwilling to support you which is another reason to stay away. Depression is a horrible thing to live with and it does pop up every so often. You need a partner who cares enough to support you when this happens and let you lean on him for a while.

It's bad enough getting through a bout of depression on your own. Far worse when you live with someone who tells you to get well on your own. Unfortunately, it's not something you can take a pill for and be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in a couple of days.Your partner needs to be someone who wants to be with you, and no one else, and cares enough to help you when you are unwell. Let's face it, it's a two-way street.

Can you increase your counselling sessions for a while, especially as you do not have a support circle. It would probably be helpful to talk to your counsellor at this time about both your slide into depression and the end of your relationship. CMF is right that it takes a while to get over these things and there are very few positives to help you.

I have found writing about these disastrous times in our lives to be quite therapeutic. You have the added advantage that you can burn your writings when you feel like it and make a symbolic shaking off. If you do write about this stuff, may I suggest you don't reread it. Put it away until you decide to do something with it, but getting it out to read will only traumatize you again. Put it in a nice box and tie it up. Then one day, when you come across it again you can decide whether or not to get rid of it.

When you write, talk about your feelings, what went wrong, examine what he did and how you felt. Just like your post above it is quite cathartic. Take care of yourself and no more texts.

Mary

SDW · ‎08-10-2016

Thank you both, wise words and I think I know this to be true, its hard to remember when panic sets in. I'm off to bed, my head and heart have exhausted me. I have been writing journals since I was a teenager and continue every day. I burnt a few choice words last new moon, will keep putting thoughts on paper. Good night xoxo

CMF · ‎08-10-2016

Goodnight, sleep well.

Hope tomorrow is a better day.

cmf x

Rod_NR93 · ‎09-10-2016

SDW, I am going through that exact same pain now. My wife has ended our relationship and it's tearing my heart to pieces. We are still in the one house but I'm moving out as soon as I can find somewhere suitable, then we sell the house we own. I can't take the credit for this analogy but it is this. I have entered into hell. The door has slammed shut behind me. I cannot turn back, but if I keep going forward there is an exit at the other side. I don't know how far away it is, but it is there and I can only reach it by walking to it. The loneliness and pain is incredible. I've never cried so much as I did this afternoon.

SDW · ‎09-10-2016

Thanks for sharing Rod_NR93. My marriage (relationship before this one) ended on mutual terms and we too were living in the same house after the decision but it was a nightmare. Although we both agreed and there was no real heartache we both became bitter and it was incredibly lonely even though we were both there.

My most recent relationship has torn my heart to shreds, I was planning on our future of living together etc. Today has been better than previous days and although it was very hard to not make contact on sound advice from CMF and White Rose I didn't. I stuck to my plan, went for a walk, was very anxious and ended up bawling my eyes out, I kept cancelling out unhelpful thoughts thanks to a post I read yesterday on the forum and I pestered my mother with yet another phone call but we don't talk about the break up, it's just general stuff to take my mind off, we focus on positive things I am doing. I also planned a visit my brother whom I have not really kept in contact with because of tension from said relationship and I scheduled that at the time I would have wanted to drive to ex partners house. It worked out not too bad today and hoping as each day passes so to does the despair, tears, anger, hurt and suffering. It feels good to cry and I can promise there will be more to come, go with it, let the tears fall.